7 Keys to Effective Communication Skills in Relationships

Communication is a fundamental pillar in any relationship – especially romantic relationships. The success of your relationship is determined by how well you can communicate your needs and actively listen to the needs of your partner. Ineffective communication patterns often lead to conflict and misunderstandings because, without the right skills, your needs remain unmet. In this article, we’ll look at some important keys to developing effective communication skills.

When either partner is unable to identify and share their feelings or needs, the chance for resolution is eliminated. This is what tears away at the union. Effective communication skills include a combination of skills and strategies that require each person to learn and apply them consistently. These skills will save your relationship from hours of misunderstandings, disagreements, and conflict.

Components of communicating

Communication is deceptively simple. We all listen and talk – but the presumption that we do these things effectively is grossly inaccurate. Body language and verbal language are our primary methods for acquiring and sharing information as humans. And yet, without intentional effort, we fail miserably.

Before we discuss the skills, let’s first start with the basics. Communication involves a speaker, a listener, and information. In other words, it involves activity and actors. I compare communication to children on a seesaw. Without coordination and mutual understanding, someone is bound to get hurt or be uncomfortable.

Healthy communication requires that we be effective as both a speaker and a listener. As the speaker, we are responsible for introducing or sharing information. This can be verbal or non-verbal. As listeners, we must receive and observe the information. And together we must process that information.

Pitfalls and bad habits

The silent treatment

Individuals in a relationship try to exert control by not speaking to their partner, creating emotional distance in order to provoke a reaction. Failure to express one’s feelings (also known as stonewalling) is a form of the silent treatment and can be used to hurt the other partner.

Men generally respond to silent treatment from their partner by waving the white flag and surrendering while women generally tend to move closer and overly communicate to change the undesired behavior.

Disparaging comments and insults

Individuals use verbal comments to hurt their partner and to protect what they have perceived to be hurt during an argument. For example, if you know that your partner deals with a phobia, it would be unnecessarily hurtful to say something like, ‘You’re always afraid and you need to be a man. Who raised you so fearful?”

People use insults like these as an alternate form of communication instead of expressing their feelings of hurt caused by someone in or out of the relationship. Using disparaging comments and insults as a form of communication is a display of emotional and verbal abuse and could linger in the relationship long after the conversation has ended.

Yelling and screaming

Using this form of communication in a relationship drowns the actual message and creates additional issues that distract the couple from the original conflict or issue. It’s not merely what you say but how you say it that is so important. Yelling and screaming are clear signs of emotional dysregulation from the individual performing that particular behavior.

Not asking for what you need/want

Assuming that your partner knows and understands your thoughts is a recipe for having unmet needs, hurt feelings, and complete misunderstanding. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed. It is the responsibility of the person with the unmet needs to properly express those needs, increasing the chance of the partner understanding and then meeting your needs.

Half-listening

It is never a good idea to listen to half the message but act as if it is entirely factual. This gives the speaker the false impression that you are listening when you are not, delaying any resolution because you are only receiving a certain portion of the entire message.

Wrong time and place

There is a time and place to have certain conversations due to the nature of the subject and the need for privacy. If a conversation begins in an undesired location the message is likely to be completely missed as the listener will be focused only on the inappropriateness of the place instead of the presenting issue.

Assumptions

This occurs when one or both parties in the relationship accept something as truth without verifying it. This is the opposite of compassion. Every conversation should have two sides and checking in with your partner to see if they are actively listening is another form of respect and shows that you are trying to get it right instead of merely trying to be right.

Keys to developing effective communication skills

Be mindful

Always stay in the moment (good or bad) while examining your actions, thoughts, and words while paying attention to your partner.

Active listening

Be present, attentive, and focused when it’s time to listen to your partner. Reflective listening can be a great way to reassure your partner that you are engaged and interested in what they are saying.

A word of caution is in order here. Much of what passes for examples of active or reflective listening can actually produce the opposite effect. Merely repeating back to your conversation partner what they said can sound condescending and stiff, and constantly questioning whether you understood them properly can make it sound like they are being unclear.

When done properly, however, it allows your partner to feel that their feelings are being received. It also provides them the opportunity to add more detail or clarify anything that was said, where necessary. There should be no distractions that may interfere with your conversation. Ensure phones, computers, and TVs are off to maximize the information that is retained.

Speak clearly and with clarity

Always express the issue or complaint along with a suggestion for action or change. “I did not like how you left the dishes in the sink; it makes me feel like I am doing everything around the house. I would love for you to wash the dishes that you use each night to help me save time in the morning.”

The goal is understanding

Seeking understanding allows for relationship investments in that both parties can go as deep as they need to find out the “whys” behind every question and every action. “Could you please explain what you meant when you said, ‘I feel frustrated with you for not responding properly.’?” This additional information will provide you with more facts before you respond or make the necessary changes.

Use “I”

Using “I” statements provides both individuals with a level of compassion and reassurance that their partner is taking accountability for their part in the conflict or problem. “I should have taken the extra ten minutes and washed the dishes last night so that you could have used that time for yourself this morning.” This practice of taking ownership leaves no doubt that your partner has been heard and you two are truly working together in the relationship.

Ask open-ended questions

Open-ended questions prevent the conversation from being stopped prematurely with a simple “yes” or “no.” Saying, “Did you hear me?” leaves no further room for dialogue and understanding versus, “What did you understand me to be saying just now?” This allows your partner to express feelings while allowing you to clarify facts and stay on topic.

Validate feelings

Validating feelings and assuring your partner that they have been heard will improve the transparency and honesty of the relationship. This will prevent your partner from shutting down or feeling unheard.

For example, “What I heard you say was that you felt alone in the chores around the house because I left the dishes in the sink?” There should generally be a focus on the feelings rather than the behavior as the feelings are often what will evoke change in behavior.

Prayer

Every serious conversation should be accompanied by prayer. God is the Master Communicator and He knows each of our sins, weakness, and limitations. Asking for His help in working through relational issues and difficult conversations is crucial. He has promised the Holy Spirit to those who ask, so it is foolish to try to handle things apart from Him.

Results of effective communication skills

Effective communication skills are necessary for any healthy relationship and the identification of poor communication is just as important as the use of effective communication. The results of effective communication skills include:

Desire for your partner is strengthened because you see each other as solution seekers and not an adversary.

Trust is built because of the nurturing skills used to address feelings and respect the feelings of others.

Intimacy increases as each person looks at the other’s point of view and fights as teammates against the problem to get it right instead of merely being right.

Next steps

Whether you want to discuss something trivial or traumatic, these strategies and principles will help you get your message across. All social attachments and bonds are born from communication, but effective communication skills make all the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic one.

As you and your partner continue to practice these strategies and skills, it will become easier to identify your needs and meet the needs of your partner. A healthy relationship requires healthy communication.