Codependency

Codependent Kim Part 1

Kim was a people pleaser, even when it meant sacrificing her own wellbeing. Taking care of others was her life. She was a nurse, a mother of three, and a wife. From childhood Kim was the peacekeeper, the caretaker, and the support for her siblings. Having been raised in a home with an absent father and alcoholic mother, and being the oldest child, Kim naturally stepped into the maternal role for her younger siblings. Now an adult with a family of her own, Kim felt something was lacking in her life. Her marriage was rocky, to say the least. She often felt unloved and that no matter what she did, it wasn’t enough to make everyone happy. Kim was also very sensitive and easily affected by the moods and problems of others, taking them on her shoulders as if they were her own. Kim was exhausted, depressed, and longed for meaning in her life.

Most of us have heard the term codependency at some point, though you might not be fully aware of what it means to be codependent. Misunderstanding of codependency is, in part, due to the evolution of the definition which spans the past forty years or so. Originally, codependency was a term coined for spouses of alcoholics, but we now know that codependency applies to a much broader section of the general population. For example, if you were raised in a dysfunctional family, there’s a good chance that you are codependent, or, at the very least, carry some codependent personality traits.

Symptoms of Codependency

Describing symptoms of codependency can be a bit challenging. For one, those who are codependent can exhibit symptoms on either extreme, such as extreme clinginess or extreme isolation from others. In other words they might be either too dependent or too independent, and can even bounce back and forth between the two. However, the following are good examples of what you might experience if you suffer from codependency:

• Low self-esteem.
• Overly worried about pleasing others.
• Fear of saying “no.”
• Poor boundaries.
• Sensitive to thoughts and feelings of others, often taking things personally.
• Strong need to care for or “fix” other people.
• Controlling the behavior of others.
• Poor communication.
• Obsessing over relationship issues.
• Fear of rejection or abandonment.
• Difficulty ending unhealthy relationships.
• Denial that you have a problem, often blaming others or circumstances.
• Emotionally guarded, often from fear of rejection.
• Anxiety and depression.

Codependency is surprisingly common, and is the underlying cause of many other problems such as substance abuse, relationship issues, eating disorders, and anger management problems. In a nutshell, people with codependency have unmet needs for love, intimacy, and self-worth, usually stemming from issues during childhood. These issues create a person who relies on other people, substances, or other things such as work performance in order to feel they have value or to fill a void within themselves.

If you fear you might be codependent, don’t worry. The good news is that codependency is very common and very treatable. Christian counseling for codependency recovery can help you break the cycle of unhealthy relationships and attachments by helping you find your true self.

Find Yourself Through Christian Counseling For Codependency

Codependent Kim Part 2

Kim was tired of feeling lost. After a life of serving others, she felt she didn’t know who she was anymore. Her counselor asked her about her marriage and past relationships, and it wasn’t long before a pattern emerged. Kim was raised in a toxic home, full of abuse and neglect. Every relationship, including her current marriage, was a reflection of treatment she was accustomed to. Kim did everything for her husband and kids, often things they could or should do themselves. She learned from a young age to hide her emotions and needs, causing her to frequently feel angry and depressed. In attempts to control her pain, rather than speaking up for her own needs, she tried to control the actions of others and became very anxious when they didn’t behave as she thought they should. Kim was codependent.

Treating Codependent Relationships

The trouble with codependency is those with codependent personalities tend to attract partners who are either codependent themselves or are in other ways emotionally unstable. Like Kim, those with codependency balance an exhausting life of caring for others to the point where their own needs are neglected. They also try to control those around them in attempts to guard themselves from their deeply rooted emotional pain. This often produces a negative cycle in relationships such as:

• Spouse One overly caters to Spouse Two without reciprocation. Spouse Two thinks its great.

Codependency is rather complex and affects people and their relationships differently depending on the codependent traits they carry. Sometimes it’s a mix of two, interdependent partners, or one codependent partner and a non-dependent partner. Though signs of a codependent relationship change depending on the dynamics between the two partners, many codependent people identify with the statements below.

Signs of a codependent relationship include:

• Your life revolves around your partner.
• No matter how you try, you’re never good enough.
• You’re a people-pleaser.
• You tend to find yourself in relationships that are abusive or with substance abusers.
• You try to hide your emotions for fear of upsetting others.
• You feel trapped in your relationship, either feeling too guilty or scared to leave.
• Your mood is dictated by the moods and behaviors of your partner.
• You feel unappreciated or disrespected.
• You try to put your partner’s needs first and set poor boundaries.
• You often feel anxious or depressed.

How Christian Counseling for Codependency Can Help

Sometimes clients come to us because they don’t know how to end a codependent relationship. Other times, both partners are committed to codependent relationship recovery. In either case, Christian counseling for codependency offers the solutions you need. Counseling methods for codependency include:

• Psychotherapy to help you uncover and process events in your past that caused your codependency.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy to help you gain awareness of your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior so you can gain better control and responsibility for your life, actions, and happiness.
• Family counseling for helping codependent families learn how to end negative behavior patterns, heal wounds, and build healthy relationships.
• Marriage counseling for codependent couples who want to end the toxic behaviors and patterns in their relationship.

Your Christian counselor will take a close look at your unique situation and develop a plan of treatment that suits your needs. Regardless of approach, common goals for Christian counseling for codependency include:

• Improving self-care.
• Setting boundaries.
• Challenging controlling behaviors.
• Finding ways to help others in productive ways.
• Gaining a better understanding of family patterns.
• Working through issues of poor self-esteem.

Christian counseling for codependency hopes to show you:

You are uniquely made.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. – Psalm 139:14

God’s opinion is the only one that really matters.
How can you believe since you accept glory from one another but do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? – John 5:44

You have a purpose.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

You are loved.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. – 1 John 4:8

At Tacoma Christian Counseling, our hope is to help you move towards a life that is fulfilling, purposeful, and aligned with your core values. Christian counseling for codependency is designed to show you how to receive God’s love for you, to focus on God’s purpose and love for you rather than seeking approval from others, and to lead you on a path of self-discovery and healthy relationships.

Codependent Kim Part 3

Christian counseling for codependency helped Kim face her problems. Through exploring her past hurt, Kim healed her inner child. Instead of blaming others or circumstances for her unhappiness, Kim learned to love herself and take responsibility for her own joy. She set boundaries, learned to express her needs, and even took some time to explore new hobbies.  As a result, her marriage also began to improve. Through counseling and connecting with God, Kim found herself — a fun, compassionate, smart person who is worthy of love and happiness.

Dynamics of a Dysfunctional Family

Like many other emotional and mental health issues, codependency begins in childhood, specifically the family environment. The term, dysfunctional family is sadly, very well known. Due to things like high divorce rate, substance abuse, chemical dependency, and a shift in cultural and social norms, the family system is under attack. Unhealthy families breed the classic “white knight” and “damsel in distress” — those who feel they need to rescue the weak, often confusing sympathy with love, and those who seek affection by acting out or taking a martyr’s role. This hazardous blend leads to a myriad of personal and relational problems.

So what is a dysfunctional family, and how does it cause codependency?

Some of the many common themes occurring in dysfunctional families include:

• It’s not okay to talk about your problems, feelings, or opinions. Children who are raised to think that their feelings, needs, concerns, dreams, or opinions don’t matter are emotionally disconnected adults who are afraid to speak their minds for fear of ridicule or rejection.
• Always be strong and do right or at least act like it. Sometimes image is the most important thing for people. Put on a happy face, no matter what. This mentality often carries over to adulthood, limiting expression of needs and emotions.
• You’re not good enough or you’re too proud. Children who are repressed, unappreciated, or discouraged from praise from self or others grow up with low self-esteem, often seeking validation from others.
• It’s normal to scream, fight, or hit when angry. Oftentimes, those who grow up in verbally or physically hostile environments develop a sense of comfort in dysfunction and unknowingly create or marry into similar environments of abuse, neglect, and low self-worth.
• Lack of accountability or rigid expectations. Families that are either too rigid or too lax in their expectations for their children and other family members foster controlling, enabling, and other unhealthy behaviors.

These are just some of the many dynamics of dysfunction within families. If you think you came from or currently live in a family in crisis, Christian counseling for codependency can help reshape the way you view yourself, your relationships, and your God-given freedoms, identity, and happiness. Learning how to stop codependent behavior takes time, but recovery is possible.

Can a person recover from codependency?

You can overcome codependency. Codependency is very common, and many are able to learn new habits and ways of thinking that will promote healing over time.

How long does Christian counseling for codependency last?

The duration of Christian counseling for codependency depends on things like how well you respond to therapy, how dedicated you are to getting better, and the severity of your symptoms. Because this varies so greatly, there is no set amount of time for counseling. Your Christian counselor will talk with you about your goals during your initial session, and they will continue to provide you with support for as long as you need.

How do I find the right Christian counselor?

Finding a counselor with whom you feel comfortable is important. You also want someone who is experienced in helping people who struggle with codependency and related issues. We welcome you to browse our Christian counselor profiles to find a codependency counselor who suits your needs.

Does codependency affect men and women alike?

Yes. Though women are usually more likely to acknowledge they have issues with codependency, men are equally affected by childhood issues that cause codependency traits. Christian counseling for codependency can help people of all ages, genders, and backgrounds.

Find the path of recovery from codependency today with Christian counseling.

If you’re tired of unhealthy relationships with yourself and others, Christian counseling for codependency can help. Call us today at (253) 777-1997 or contact us online to schedule your risk-free initial session.