Identifying Codependency in Friendships

Friendships are something that everyone desires. People want friends who are going to enjoy doing things together. However, just like any other relationship, friendships can become codependent. Healthy friendships look different from codependent friendships. When there is trouble in a friendship it seems that it is easy to dismiss the problem. Codependency in friendship can seem nontoxic, but the reality is that it can be destructive.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4, ESV

Relationships work best when both parties are adopting this kind of altruistic position, but codependency in friendships can present like an addiction. Addiction in friendship takes the form of being overly reliant on the other person. There are two roles in a codependent friendship. The giver will always feel needed for support while the taker will need to have emotional support without being able to return it to the giver.

Causes of a codependent relationship

The causes of codependency in friendships can be connected to past friendships and experiences. The past dynamics of any relationship can have a lasting effect on how people behave as adults.

• Attachment style – Depending on how the parent-child relationship developed, people can become codependent on another person. Insecure attachment is the most common characteristic of a codependent friend.
• Childhood family dysfunction – Most of the time, codependency can be related to the family dynamics in childhood.
• Low self-esteem – People with low self-esteem often form a codependent behavior to feel as though they are worthy and wanted. This can hold true for both sides of the codependency in friendship roles.

Effects of codependency 

Codependent friendships are highly imbalanced and can become overwhelming. There is a time when the friendship works, but then there is a point where the friendship becomes strained. The giver may begin to feel as though there is no true friendship. This can lead to feelings of hurt and resentfulness. 

The taker on the other hand may become resentful because the giver is intruding past the comfortable boundaries. It is important to reach out to a Christian counseling service near you to give insight into overcoming codependency in friendships.

Signs of codependency in friendships

Codependent friendships always end up being toxic and destructive because of the unclear boundaries. It is not uncommon for both people to get lost in the intertwined levels of codependency. Some friendships are unhealthy without being codependent. This is why it is important to identify the signs of codependency.

Neediness

Most of the time, codependency in friendships is evident in one friend always needing to be rescued from difficult situations. This can become a form of controlling behavior and could damage the friendship. There are times when the giver is just as needy as the taker. This often turns into two people using each other for emotional support.

Rescuer role

In all codependency friendships, one friend will be the rescuer. No matter what the other friend may do, one will always be there to fix the situation. These are the givers, and they want to spend time, energy, and money helping the other friend be rescued from the situation. This often leads to high expectations on the giver to sacrifice to the taker.

Emotional Exhaustion

In the give-and-take dynamic of the friendship, the giver will typically feel exhausted emotionally. The giver can also feel unappreciated, which will create tension in the friendship. This is often the result of an imbalance in the relationship. One-sided support is part of the taker-giver dynamic of codependency in friendships.

Boundaries that have holes

Codependent friendships tend to have boundaries that are not solid. This is evident in the way needs are met for each friend. If one friend is getting their needs met more than the other, it could be a sign of codependency. This can also lead to the other friend feeling used and unappreciated.

Shared emotions

Strangely most people engaged in a codependent friendship will experience the same emotions at the same time. This is marked by one friend feeling the same emotion rather than having individual reactions.

Scripted friendship

Codependency will often leave those involved feeling like there is no authenticity to the friendship. The friendship will often seem like it is the same thing day after day.

Presence of jealousy

Codependency in friendships is marked by jealousy. One friend may become possessive when the other friend gets too close to another person. This friend may feel as though their support system is being taken away. This jealousy may render other friendships void. It will eventually lead to both friends cutting off other friends.

Anxiety about losing a friend

The taker in the relationship may begin to feel as though the friendship is ending. This is manifested in the belief that the friend may not want to spend time with them anymore.

No individual choices

Codependent friendships can also come with the inability to allow for individual choices. Each friend may push back their choices to maintain the friendship. They don’t want to risk the dissipation of the friendship due to independence.

Distorted reality

Codependency creates a cycle of unhealthy patterns. These patterns can make way for a distorted sense of reality. The continued roles of giver and taker allow each friend to internalize their self-worth in these unhealthy roles in the friendship.

Friendship burnout

After the repetitive roles of codependency in friendships one or both friends may find themselves burned out. The pattern of the relationship can deplete energy and happiness.

Difficulty with opinions

Those engaged in a codependent friendship will often feel that sharing opinions is risky. Each friend believes that the risk of disagreeing with the other is not worth it, so they keep their opinions to themselves.

The needs of the friend come first

One of the most prevalent signs of codependency in friendships is that one friend will constantly put the needs of the other before theirs.

Both rely heavily on the friendship

Having a friend that you can rely on is not always an unhealthy part of friendship. In codependent friendships, each friend relies on the other so much that they are unable to function alone. It doesn’t matter that the roles are different, the effect can still impact the mental health of each friend.

One decision maker

In the codependent friendship, the giver will become the decision maker. This can cause that person to be overburdened with stress when things do not happen as the taker would like.

Managing codependency in friendships

Learning to manage, change, and cope with the struggles of codependency takes an intentional pursuit of change. Both roles in the relationship will need to take the initiative to seek change. Knowing how to support a friend can be a big factor in how the friendship moves out of being codependent.

Both friends must be willing to recognize separate goals, interests, needs, and abilities. This begins with the following strategies: 

• Rather than try to control each other, take time to listen and support one another.
• Take time to focus on self-care.
• Maintain autonomy when it comes to goals and interests.
• Think positive and wholesome thoughts that will remove irrational thoughts.
• Discover ways to build self-esteem.
• Identify boundaries in a way that will encourage each other.
• Make time to spend with other family and friends.
• Take inventory of what you are willing to give and take in the friendship.
• Get reacquainted with yourself to bring back balance to your life.
• Learn when to detach from situations and arguments.

Next steps

Codependent friendships do not have to end in cutting ties. When each friend takes the initiative to heal and create a wholesome friendship, it can save the relationship. Friendship is a give-and-take relationship, but it needs to be done in a healthy and positive manner. 

If there are indications that you are in a codependent friendship, reach out to our office to meet with a local Christian counselor and get more information. The right plan has a chance to help save the friendship and create one that includes mutuality and more healthy characteristics.