Preparing for a Blended Family and Smoothing the Transition

A blended family, also known as a stepfamily, is a family that includes children from one or both of the spouses’ previous marriages.

Common Challenges Faced by a Blended Family

Creating a successful blended family can be difficult and sometimes complex. Even under the best of circumstances, it is likely to be a gradual process that takes time and patience.

Adjusting to a new environment, new roles, and new relationships can be challenging for both children and their parents. Children may, for instance, resist changes and be reluctant to accept the authority of a new parental figure, while stepparents may find it hard to parent unfamiliar children.

Some of the most common challenges include different parenting styles and household rules, especially if there are children who split time between two households; children of one spouse having conflicts with the other spouse’s children; planning family events when there are custody issues; and changes in family traditions such as how holidays, birthdays, and family vacations should be celebrated and spent. In the case of a co-parenting spouse, having to interact with the ex-spouse can be taxing as well.

Addressing these challenges requires open communication, patience, and a willingness to work together to find solutions that respect everyone’s feelings and needs. Family counseling can also help you address and successfully navigate these issues.

Preparing For a Blended Family

A successfully blended family is not easy to establish. It is not something that happens automatically or that can be forced, and you may become frustrated when your family doesn’t function the way it did before. The process can, however, be made easier with patience, understanding, and respect for one another.

Children may feel anxious about the upcoming changes and how they will affect their relationships with their biological parents, as well as what it will be like to live with new siblings. Give them time to get used to one another and the idea of becoming a blended family.

The first step is to lay a solid foundation and plan how your blended family will function before you rush into re-marriage. Have realistic goals and be willing to be flexible.

Talking openly and honestly with your partner about important issues such as your parenting styles, ways you discipline your children, consequences for misbehavior, spiritual practices, family traditions, finances, how you expect the children to be educated, and other negotiable and non-negotiable expectations, will enable you to make necessary adjustments before you get married and help make the transition smoother. It will also ensure that you are on the same page and help avoid conflict and/or misunderstandings down the road.

Smoothing The Transition

Take it slow and be consistent. Adjusting to being part of a new blended family is not easy for anyone, especially the children. Children need time to grieve the breakup of their original family and, in many cases, the move away from familiar things such as their house, neighborhood, friends, and school.

Don’t expect to fall in love with your partner’s children right away. Love and affection take time to develop, as does trust. Allow bonds to develop naturally rather than try to force the process. Be patient and understanding, and let them adjust to the new norm at their own pace.

Start by showing genuine regard in getting to know them and their likes and dislikes. Look for common ground, such as interests and activities you all enjoy, and engage in them regularly to help them feel included rather than like outsiders.

Children may feel uncertain about their new family and resist your efforts to get to know them at first. They may feel apprehensive about having to share their parent with a new spouse and step-siblings. Try not to take their negative attitudes personally, but rather work on strengthening your new blended family by building trust.

Don’t try to turn your blended family into a replica of your first family. Embrace the differences and refuse to respond to ultimatums when you are put in situations that make you feel as though you have to choose between one member and another. Remind your partner and both sets of children that they are all important parts of your life.

Avoid trying to force the use of titles such as “mom” or “dad,” and don’t take it personally if a stepchild isn’t comfortable calling you that. Be willing to respect his or her comfort level and assure him or her that your new spouse is not going to be a replacement mom or dad.

Encourage frequent communication and create a safe, nonjudgmental environment where everyone can share his or her thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly and honestly without fear of being criticized or rejected.

Emphasize the importance of mutual respect, and insist on everyone treating each other with civility, regardless of whether or not they like each other, listening without interrupting, and validating each other’s feelings, whether or not they agree with them.

Different parenting approaches can create tension and disagreements, leading children to test boundaries to see which parent’s rules they can get away with ignoring. To avoid this, work with your spouse to create an agreed-upon list of family rules and boundaries, as well as consequences for breaking them.

Communicate these expectations clearly to the children and be consistent in following through. Present a unified front, and don’t argue or disagree in front of them. To help ease the transition, let the biological parent be the primary disciplinarian of his or her own children.

Provide consistency in routines, schedules, and communications to minimize any feelings of disruption in the children’s lives, and use positive reinforcement such as praise or rewards to encourage positive efforts and behavior and motivate them to willingly follow the rules and boundaries.

Discipline should be structured and consistent instead of punitive or dismissive of the child’s feelings, and should be administered privately to avoid embarrassing a child in front of the other children.

Manage conflict constructively by addressing disagreements calmly and respectfully, and teaching the child healthy ways of resolving conflicts and expressing their emotions. Instead of dwelling on a child’s mistakes, focus on helping them find solutions and learn from them, and set an example by modeling the behaviors you want them to use yourself.

Do not compare your children and your spouse’s children to each other or expect them to adjust at the same pace. Recognize each one’s unique personality, preferences, and needs, and avoid favoritism.

Make an intentional effort to build a history together without trying to erase memories of the old one. Create family rituals and routines that help you unite the family as a whole and share activities such as a weekly game night, going for a nature walk after church on Sundays, cooking meals together, having a monthly new experience day, or celebrating birthdays and holidays in special ways, that build a sense of “us” and “we” and help you bond with your new stepchildren.

Special Age Group Considerations

Children under the age of ten tend to adjust more easily to a blended family and be more accepting of a new adult. However, they may have more daily needs and feel more competitive for their biological parent’s attention.

Children aged 10-14 have the hardest time adjusting to a blended family. It takes them longer to bond and accept the authority of a new person, but beneath the surface, even though they may not openly show it, they do crave love, support, and attention.

Teenagers tend to be less involved in blended family life and try to separate themselves as they form their own identities. Even though they may not be openly affectionate, they still need to feel valued, loved, and secure.

If you need more help than what this article on blended families could provide and would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please don’t hesitate to give us a call.