Can a Christian Marriage Recover From An Affair When You Don’t Want It Fixed?

References “NOT Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli

Ambivalence is not uncommon after an affair– in either partner. The involved partner may be unsure whether they want to call it quits with their affair partner and recommit to their spouse. The betrayed spouse may vacillate between wanting to give their mate a chance and refusing to ever trust them again. This can cause resistance in both spouses to participate in household goings-on or interact with their spouse. Addressing and overcoming this resistance is a vital part of mending a relationship damaged by infidelity.

Motives for Resistance (176)

• The unfaithful partner feels disloyal to their affair partner while showing affection toward their spouse. This may be a sign that the emotions associated with the affair have not faded, or, worse, the affair is not over.

• In cases where the betrayed partner is only staying in the relationship for the sake of their children, they may not be ready to engage with their spouse.

Types of Resistance (176)

• Finding excuses not to spend time with your partner

• Not acknowledging your spouse’s positive qualities or actions

The resistant partner may build on this by saying, “You’re only doing that to look good in front of the therapist,” or “I know you really don’t want to have sex with me. You’re only doing it because you don’t want me to get angry.” (176)

• Refusing to please your mate by granting their requests to help out around the house or be more loving

• “Yes, but…” responses that show their efforts will never be good enough

(e.g. “Yes, you put the laundry in the dryer, but you didn’t put it away.”)

How to deal with Resistance

This is when you must lay aside human perceptions of love as a Disney fantasy in exchange for Christ’s perception of love as a verb. This is particularly relevant to the involved spouse whose residual loyalty hinders their affection for their spouse, or for the betrayed partner who only stays for the sake of their children.

Christlike love is being kind and thoughtful toward others when you do not feel like it, and they may not deserve it. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” (Rom. 12, 10-11 NIV) As the Apostle Paul reminds us, being loving toward one another is one way we can serve the Lord. Let that be your motivator.

Insisting on seeing your spouse in a negative light will only encourage your feelings of animosity. If there is any hope of counteracting your resistance and salvaging your marriage, you must “use whatever resources you have to create a warm, loving family environment. Over time, your original motivation can evolve into staying together because of the pleasures in the marital relationship.” (176) You will never discover these “pleasures” if you refuse to see or participate in them.

• Let your spouse know you appreciate their efforts to be considerate or loving. For example, if they straighten up the living room or call you just to say “hello” during lunch.

If you want to repair your marriage, you cannot ignore or scoff at these small overtures. First, it reinforces your antagonistic feelings toward your spouse. Second, it discourages them from making an effort. Eventually they will see that nothing they do will ever be good enough, and quite trying.

• Don’t expect them to always be the first one to make an effort– as if they owe you something.

Glass says this kind of resistance can come from either spouse. The betrayed partner may feel they deserve special treatment after what their partner did to them. The involved partner may fear rejection and be too afraid to make the first move. A good rule of thumb– if you see an opportunity to do something nice, do it. As Paul was quoted earlier, “Never be lacking in zeal.” Take advantage of opportunities to praise your mate or do them a favor. Think back to the early days of your relationship. What kinds of things did you do to make them happy?

• Be the mate you would like to have.

Marriages do not succeed when spouses base their behavior on whether their mate has done something nice for them recently. And this system of quid pro quo is not the example Scripture sets for us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Gal. 6:9-10 NIV)

Glass urges couples to be the spouse they would like to have. This way, if the attempts to repair it after an affair do not succeed, they will not look back and wonder what would have happened if they had tried. Remember, loving behavior encourages loving behavior.

• “Treat any displays of affection as valid ‘in the moment,’ not as a sign of eternal commitment.”

After an affair, partners are not always willing to commit to whether they will stay in the relationship. Some may struggle with loyalty to their affair partner. Others may be uncertain whether they can pursue a relationship with someone who was unfaithful. Glass encourages this approach because it allows ambivalent partners the freedom to give in to moments of warmth because they know their partner will not interpret it as a commitment.

• Know when, and how, to give.

As Glass points out, there is a difference between “giving” and “giving in.” Giving to your spouse, and your relationship, are essential to repairing the damage wrought by an affair. However, “giving in” to avoid a fight or because you feel obligated with only create resentment in you both. Your spouse will resent your lack of genuine willingness to give, and you will resent them for coercing you. “If you think sticking to your guns and refusing to please your partner is a winning position, think again. There is no way that you can win if your partner loses. Think of your caring actions as giving to the relationship–a definite win-win situation for both of you.” (179)

Christian Counseling for overcoming an Affair

After the disclosure of an affair, it can seem as if there is no recovering from the trauma. But you can find the light, if you keep looking for it. Recall the end of John 1 when one of the apostles went to another to tell him he had found the prophesied Christ, “Philip found Nathanael and told him, ‘We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”–“Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” Nathanael asked. “Come and see,” said Philip.” (John 1:45-46 NIV) In spite of their skepticism, the brightest light of all time came from Nazareth.

Couples who endure the pain of post-infidelity relationship repair reach a place of intimacy that couples that remain faithful often do not, Glass says. Recovery is a struggle. Find a professional Christian marriage counselor who can provide a safe space for you and your mate to deal with your feelings toward one another. They will help you process the affair, and teach you how to repair your relationship.