Attachment Theory: How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Relationships

Attachment theory focuses on relationships and bonds between people, including those between a parent and child and between romantic partners. It is a psychological explanation for the emotional bonds and relationships between people. This theory suggests that people are born with a need to forge bonds with caregivers as children. This early bond and its associated attachment style continues to influence attachments throughout life.

The history of attachment theory

Psychologist John Bowlby was the first attachment theorist. He described attachment as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby, 1980). Bowlby was interested in understanding the anxiety and distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers.

He believed that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. Bowlby suggested that attachment also serves to keep the infant close to the mother, thus improving the child’s chances of survival (Bowlby, 1980).

He viewed attachment as a product of evolutionary processes (Draper & Pensky, 1990). While the behavioral theories of attachment suggested that attachment was a learned process, Bowlby and others proposed that children are born with an innate drive to form attachments with caregivers.

Mary Ainsworth’s findings

In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded greatly upon Bowlby’s original work. Her groundbreaking “strange situation” study revealed the profound effects of attachment on behavior. In the study, researchers observed children between the ages of twelve and eighteen months as they responded to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers (Ainsworth & Bell, 1970).

Based on the responses the researchers observed, Ainsworth described three major styles of attachment: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment. Later, researchers Main and Solomon (1986) added a fourth attachment style called disorganized-insecure attachment based on their own research.

Attachment styles

There are four attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious/ambivalent, and fearful/disorganized. Each attachment style has specific patterns and traits that accompany them:

Secure:

Balance of community and solitude

Children who can depend on their caregivers show distress when separated and joy when reunited. Although the child may be upset, they feel assured that the caregiver will return. When frightened, securely attached children are comfortable seeking reassurance from caregivers. This is the most common attachment style.

• Feels safe with or without others around.
• An adult with secure attachment would display interdependent tendencies and think to themselves, “I am responsible for myself, but would appreciate some help.”

Avoidant:

Overwhelmed with others

Children with an avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference between a caregiver and a stranger. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.

• Feels safest when they are alone.
• Avoids being vulnerable.
• An adult with avoidant attachment views independence as highly important.
• Thinks to themselves, “I don’t need anyone.”

Anxious/ambivalent:

Feels safest when with others

These children become distressed when a parent leaves. Ambivalent attachment style is considered uncommon, affecting an estimated 7% to 15% of U.S. children. As a result of poor parental availability, these children cannot depend on their primary caregiver to be there when they need them.

• Highly emotional/sensitive
• As an adult, confronts conflict to regain connection with others.
• Thinks to themself, “I can’t do this without you.”

Disorganized/fearful avoidant:

Wants constant attention, but also wants to be left alone.

These children display a confusing mix of behavior, seeming disoriented, dazed, or confused. They may avoid or resist the parent. Lack of a clear attachment pattern is likely linked to inconsistent caregiver behavior. In such cases, parents may serve as both a source of comfort and fear, leading to disorganized behavior.

• As an adult, craves intimacy, unless they feel unsafe.
• Creates conflict/chaos
• Thinks to themself, “I want you, but I don’t want to get too close.”

Does early attachment impact adult relationships?

The short answer is, yes, attachment styles impact adult relationships in all areas. Attachment styles or types are characterized by the behavior exhibited in a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened. For example, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to share their feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems.

However, those with insecure attachment styles may tend to become needy or clingy in their closest relationships, behave in selfish or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, or simply shy away from intimacy altogether.

Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your intimate relationships can help you make sense of your own behavior, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to intimacy. Identifying these patterns can then help you clarify what you need in a relationship and the best way to overcome problems.

If you are struggling with relationship issues or would like help better understanding your attachment style, I’d love to work with you. Please reach out to schedule a therapy appointment with me.