7 Manipulation Tactics of Narcissists

Many of us have known a narcissist, be it in the form of a parent, boss, or romantic partner. They can be alluring and charismatic people, but beneath their outward charm, they are egocentric, domineering, and sometimes intimidating. Being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist or having one as a parent can result in severely damaged mental health.

A narcissist craves recognition, support, and obedience from those closest to them, and genuinely believes themselves to be worthy of it due to their exaggerated sense of self-worth. Narcissists lack many basic human traits like empathy but frequently are intellectually intelligent people.

They know that they cannot win the allegiance of people by being their controlling, confrontational selves, and so they resort to manipulation tactics to ensnare those they wish to control.

You might constantly feel as if you have messed up, have failed, or have hurt your loved ones. However, this may not be true. This might be the narcissist at work, manipulating you to feel guilty, ashamed, and compliant to their wishes. It is important to identify a narcissist’s manipulation tactics if you are going to be released from their toxic influence and find healing and freedom.

Am I a narcissist?

Generally speaking, we all display narcissistic traits from time to time. For example, if we experienced emotional neglect as a child, we might have learned to be self-reliant to be emotionally stable. This can make us self-focused and ungenerous in relationships, while at the same time being understandably hungry for attention, affection, and affirmation.

Just because we have moments of selfishness and self-absorption does not mean we are a narcissist. A true narcissist is entirely consumed with thinking of themselves and believing that they are owed admiration. They cannot bear to be corrected and many have short fuses which are ignited in confrontation. They are convinced that their ideas are the best and it is always “my way or the highway” with them.

NPD stands for narcissistic personality disorder. It is a condition that is sadly often untreatable. To be treated, the person has to acknowledge that there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. A true narcissist often cannot admit that there is anything wrong with their personality. In their eyes, they don’t need help.

Seven manipulation tactics of narcissists

Narcissists have a wide variety of manipulation tactics at their disposal, and they know when to employ which tactic. It can be incredibly difficult to know when you are being manipulated by someone you love, but you must recognize when and how it’s happening. The narcissist might not respond to confrontation or correction, but you can be free from their harmful ways.

Idealization.

Narcissists often first ensnare you and make you dependent on them with charm. This could be a partner making you believe that you are the perfect person for them, a friend “clicking” with you on a unique level, or an employer leading us to believe you are the only one for the job. They say all the right things and you will feel seen, valued, and drawn to them magnetically.

Emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail reduces your confidence, causes you to lower or redefine your boundaries, and makes you exhausted with anxiety. It places the burden of guilt on you so that you constantly feel like “the bad guy.”

A narcissistic boss might call into question your dedication and commitment to the company to get you to work long overtime hours or commit to things you wouldn’t do otherwise. A partner might make you feel as if you are being cruel by denying them sex, and a parent might guilt you into making them a priority over your other obligations.

Projection, blame-shifting, and gaslighting.

These are all slightly different tactics but have the same effect of making you feel like the guilty one while they resist accountability. A narcissist will generally use these tactics when they are confronted about their behavior. When you bring up a specific behavior or issue that you are unhappy about, they might deflect by accusing you of exhibiting that exact behavior. This is projection. They avoid accountability by making you seem as guilty as they are.

Similarly, they might try to avoid accountability by blame-shifting; they point to things like stress at work, poor mental health, or a myriad of other things as to why they have been acting the way they have. It often sounds convincing, and you might feel bad for having brought up the issue. This is a tactic designed to force you to drop an issue.

Gaslighting, like projection, causes you to question your perception of an issue. Specifically, gaslighting makes you question your memory, insight, or understanding of an issue. For example, you might want an explanation for why your partner belittled you at an event.

They might gaslight you by denying things they were accused of saying, even though you know what you heard. This is an insidious form of manipulation because it inevitably leads to you apologizing to them despite their bad behavior.

The silent treatment

The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation that, once again, makes you feel anxious and guilty. Often, you don’t even know what your misdemeanor was. However, you know you are being punished because the narcissist withdraws from you and proceeds to ignore you and give you the cold shoulder.

It is a calculated form of manipulation because it preys upon a common human fear of abandonment and rejection. It is cruel because it often comes unexpectedly and is only lifted when they are satisfied, which might take weeks.

Devaluation

An extended period of silent treatment might be their way of devaluing you. Because narcissists have little to no empathy, they find it easy to discard you if you have served a purpose for them or are no longer compliant to their treatment. They often derive some kind of sick pleasure from belittling you and might derive joy at seeing your confidence eroded.

This could be a way to keep you dependent on their attention, affirmation, and affection. More often than not it is this tactic that causes the deepest long-term damage because it targets your self-esteem.

Breaking free

Being manipulated for any length of time by a narcissist is a draining and debilitating experience. You might get to the point that you know it is preferable not to have them in your lives anymore, but that could mean cutting off a parent, losing a job, or facing a complicated breakup. The good news is that their tactics begin to lose their power and effectiveness when you begin to understand how and why you are being manipulated.

You might not be able to help the narcissist with their shortcomings of character, but you can help yourself by confronting the situation. It may require getting friends on board for moral support. You might even need them present during a confrontation.

In the aftermath, you might find that your sense of self-worth is completely frazzled. You will undoubtedly have trust issues and possibly a fear of intimacy. The good news is that, if you start placing value on your mental health and emotional needs, you can slowly reverse some of that damage and eventually lead a robust life with healthy relationships.

Getting professional help

If you have been affected by the manipulation tactics of a narcissist, there is hope for healing. It may be a long journey, but we can help you get started by connecting you with a counselor. Reach out to our offices today; that is the first step to emotional wellness.