Signs of Abandonment Issues: Helping a Loved One Through Fear of Abandonment

All relationships have their issues, though those issues and their severity will vary. If you’re in a romantic relationship with someone, that person has a history, and that history has shaped them and how they relate to themselves and other people. By the same token, you too have a history, and that collection of past experiences impacts your understanding of the world and how to operate in it, and can even produce abandonment issues.

Your partner may have abandonment issues, for instance, and that will affect how they relate to you. Some of your frustrations with them or your relationship could be related to these abandonment issues, which is why it helps you to be able to identify them and learn how to walk with your loved one through the fear of abandonment.

Attachment and Different Attachment Styles

When it comes to relationships, the way we form and maintain relationships with other people is shaped by our early experiences with our caregivers. The shorthand usually given to describe the way we form relationships is “attachment style.” There are several types of attachment styles, and most of them describe various ways a person can express a fear of abandonment.

If the bulk of a person’s experiences with their caregivers are positive interactions in which their mental, emotional, and physical needs are met consistently, that can give rise to a secure attachment. A person who is securely attached expects that there is reciprocity in relationships, they have a level of comfort with opening up to and trusting others as well as being independent, and they effectively communicate and regulate their own emotions.

A secure attachment makes for a healthy partnership in a relationship. A partner with a secure attachment style can open up to you about what they think or feel, they can trust you and allow romantic feelings to develop naturally and blossom into a deeper commitment. They can communicate their needs effectively, and they in turn can also reach out to meet your needs.

There are other attachment styles, and these styles stem from having one’s needs sporadically or hardly met. They can develop from experiencing significant loss, or from not being able to connect meaningfully with caregivers. A child, for instance, has his/her own thoughts, feelings, ideas, fears, and hopes. When caregivers ignore or dismiss these feelings, along with the desire to connect, be seen, or be heard, it can result in different kinds of attachment issues.

The child learns that their needs are either entirely unimportant to others, or that they must meet their own needs by themselves because no one else will do it. If the child’s emotions and thoughts aren’t recognized and responded to appropriately, that may lead the child to struggle to recognize their own emotions or know how best to deal with them. A child needs to be taught how to address their emotions appropriately.

The anxious-preoccupied attachment style is marked by a fear of abandonment and rejection, which can lead to having difficulty trusting others and regulating one’s own emotions. An anxious-preoccupied style also finds the person to be overly dependent on others.

The dismissive-avoidant style is where one avoids intimacy and emotional connection with others, making them come across as either distant or aloof to loved ones. A person with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style will also prioritize their sense of independence and self-reliance over forming attachments with others.

Third, the fearful-avoidant attachment style is one where a person is afraid of rejection and abandonment, which may result in having difficulty trusting others. This attachment style is also marked by the avoidance of intimacy with others due to the fear of experiencing emotional pain resulting from things going awry in the relationship.

Lastly, the disorganized-disoriented attachment style is one that typically results from experiences of severe trauma or neglect. A person with this attachment style will have difficulty regulating their emotions and behaviors, sometimes leading them to exhibit contradictory behaviors like seeking comfort from someone while also attempting to push them away.

The Importance of Understanding Attachment Styles

A person’s attachment style isn’t permanent throughout their entire life. If one has healthy relationships, actively works on the issues raised by their attachment style, and gains deeper insight into why they relate to others the way they do, that can change things. Similarly, a person with a secure attachment style can go through experiences that lead to them taking on an insecure attachment style, however temporary that change may last.

Having a handle on the different attachment styles helps not only identify areas in your life where you need to grow but also helps you pick up on patterns in your relationships that might be affecting your health. When you know your attachment style, that can position you to nurture healthier and more fulfilling connections with other people.

Taking the time to reflect on your experiences and the patterns in your life can help you become more aware of issues such as having difficulty trusting your partners, or fearing they’ll leave or abandon you. It might help you to better understand any intense emotional responses, mood swings, or numbness you may have, and whether you are seeking reassurance or pushing your partners away.

Other behaviors that flow from your attachment style include avoiding intimacy or physical touch due to fear of emotional vulnerability; being possessive or jealous because of deep-seated fears of loss; having difficulty with boundaries, leading to you being either overly enmeshed or distant from others and struggling to maintain healthy limits; and self-sabotage by unconsciously pushing partners away or creating conflict to test their commitment to you.

Additionally, having attachment issues may also result in you struggling to open up, share emotions, or be vulnerable with others; recreating past patterns by attracting partners who reinforce negative attachment patterns; and lastly, having power struggles in your relationships, resulting in control issues or constant conflict with others.

The Effects of Abandonment Issues on Relationships

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has abandonment issues, you may have experienced how emotionally draining and challenging they can be. Sometimes your relationship feels like an emotional rollercoaster due to the feelings of anxiety, intense and unpredictable emotional reactions to situations, and frequent mood swings. The constant push-pull behavior may also be confusing.

Abandonment issues can also mean that your loved one needs constant reassurance of your love; they need to be validated and reassured that you’re committed to them. This can become exhausting, just as trust issues can be taxing when they result in suspicions, accusations, or your partner not trusting you due to their own deep-seated fears of being betrayed or abandoned.

A further effect of abandonment issues is that they can make a romantic partner clingy or possessive. A person with an insecure attachment style may become controlling as a way to deal with their fears. It may make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them because you could inadvertently trigger their fear of abandonment, which could lead to conflict.

Lastly, abandonment issues may also mean it’s hard to get to know or experience your partner deeply on account of their difficulties with intimacy due to fear of emotional vulnerability or physical closeness. You may even find yourself carrying feelings of blame and guilt because you feel like you’re somehow responsible for your partner’s emotional state or fear of abandonment.

Overcoming the Challenges of Abandonment Issues

The challenges posed by abandonment issues can be overcome. A person can come to understand that they are truly loved and will not be forsaken (Hebrews 13:5-6). One’s relationship with God can be a great place to let that truth soak in, and then to also allow that to radiate to other relationships.

If you desire to support your partner to overcome their abandonment issues, it’s something that they should want to do themselves, because you cannot do the work for them. Changing one’s attachment style takes time and work; work that you cannot do for someone else. One must recognize and acknowledge their attachment style and abandonment issues and seek help through counseling to develop a growth mindset, embracing vulnerability more.

That being said, you can support your partner or loved one as you walk with them to cultivate a healthy relationship. Some steps you can take include the following:

• Understand abandonment issues and attachment styles.
• Encourage your partner toward open communication and emotional expression.
• Don’t take their fears personally; rather, offer empathy and understanding.
• Set clear boundaries to maintain your emotional well-being and create room for self-care.
• Take steps to foster a secure attachment by being reliable, consistent, and supportive of them. Practice the virtue of patience.
• Encourage them to seek professional help through therapy or counseling. Finding healing and growth to overcome abandonment issues is possible, and it can lead to more fulfilling and secure relationships with others. Counseling can help you and your loved one on this journey.

The counselors and therapists at our location are experienced professionals, ready to help you overcome abandonment issues and work toward a healthy attachment style to strengthen your relationships. Contact our office today to learn more.