Understanding Abandonment Trauma

Every person alive has experienced abandonment issues in some way, and most of us have been deeply affected. As we become adults, we might realize that we struggle with intimacy, codependency, or upholding our boundaries. We might not know where the struggle comes from, or how to deal with abandonment trauma, but we need help.

Congratulations if you have reached the point in your life where you realize that parts of you feel broken and you are terrible at intimacy. You have begun the difficult journey of understanding abandonment issues.

What is Abandonment Trauma?

Generally speaking, abandonment trauma is a type of anxiety, which is how it is medically and professionally treated. More specifically, it is a complex collection of fear-based emotions that manifest differently for every person.

Most commonly abandonment trauma is a fear that the person we care most for will not meet our needs and ultimately walk out on us. We can never truly relax or feel safe in a relationship. This could lead us to be clingy, demanding, and possessive, or we might go the other way and remain emotionally aloof, refusing to give too much of ourselves to anyone.

Where It Comes From

Our concept of trauma might need some defining or clarification. We are traumatized by events like losing a loved one, experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or having controlling, toxic parents or caretakers. If we experienced any of these things as a child, teen, or adult, it would undoubtedly affect us and might result in anxiety and fear of intimacy.

However, sometimes trauma is more nuanced. If we had a parent or caretaker who never made time for us, never listened to us, or never paid attention when we wanted to show them or ask them something, we may have felt rejection. If we felt like we were caring more for their feelings than they were caring for ours, that was a trauma.

The vast majority of abandonment trauma stems from neglect. Some neglect is severe. For example, we were left in dirty diapers and hardly fed on a schedule. However, most neglect is more subtle. Perhaps, it came from parents who meant well but failed to meet our needs.

If you grew up in a home where your voice was not heard, your preferences were never considered, and you had no boundaries or guidance, you would likely grow up feeling insecure and unsure about other people’s intentions. People are unreliable. As much as you long for connection to have your needs met, this will be complicated by the hard lessons you learned as a child.

How Abandonment Trauma Shows Up

The idea of learning about abandonment trauma is not to make us feel defeated or deflated or to harbor resentment about our childhood. There is always hope. As long as we understand how we have been affected by abandonment trauma, we can begin finding a solution. Abandonment trauma will vary from person to person, depending on many things, but there are reliable signs.

Keep in mind that some of these trademarks that point to abandonment trauma will be blind spots for us. We might not have considered some of these things or been self-evaluating at any point in our lives. This is because sometimes abandonment trauma will cause us to be overly focused on and attentive to other people, while we abandon ourselves. This is possibly the most common way that abandonment trauma shows up: self-abandonment.

Inability to be alone

The words clingy and insecure might cause you to wince with shame if they were applied to you, but sadly this is true for many who have a fear of abandonment. We tend to hold tightly onto friends or lovers who make us feel safe, seen, and heard. Sometimes, though, we simply cannot be alone, ever. We must have company at every possible moment in our lives, with almost no boundaries or restrictions on our time, privacy, or dignity.

Fostering codependent relationships

The previous point described us being dependent on others to fill the lonely gaps in our lives, but sometimes we form an attachment to other dependent people. When dependency meets dependency, it often births a toxic, intense form of intimacy called codependency.

Codependency feels secure and wholesome because we have bonded with someone who gets us on an emotional level, and we both seem to be getting what we need from the relationship. However, in every case of codependency, there are issues of insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, and fear lurking just below the surface.

All of the shared trauma prevents the connection from ever being truly healthy and will ultimately hold each of you back from finding true healing and wholeness.

Being fearful and avoiding intimacy

At the other end of the scale, we will often become avoidant of intimacy and never truly open up to lovers or friends. This doesn’t mean we are truly self-reliant or that we don’t desire closeness.

Often, we are deeply lonely. We crave a connection to someone, but our past has made us believe that no one is reliable or trustworthy, and everyone will hurt us or ultimately leave us. To counter our loneliness, we might cycle through sexual partners whom we can briefly connect with while ultimately discarding them. Needless to say, this only leads to more issues.

Being a people-pleaser

One of the most common ways that we abandon ourselves is in the context of people-pleasing. We might like to be seen as sweet, helpful, or dedicated. While these are wonderful characteristics to have, more often than not they are rooted in a fear of abandonment. People-pleasing is a form of emotional manipulation, where we do whatever is necessary to make people trust us, like us, and rely on us.

When this happens, we feel seen, loved, and secure because we feel like we have proved our worth. Once again, though, lurking just below the surface of our behavior is fear. This means that our behavior, ultimately, has strings attached.

Coping and Healing

The old saying that “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is false, and learning “new tricks” is exactly how we cope with and begin to heal from abandonment trauma. When we face any major issue in our life, from physical sickness to addiction, or trauma, we will have to face the powerful emotion of shame.

Shame comes to the surface whenever we feel our actions are revealed. Just like Adam and Eve in the garden, we tend to hide and cover the areas we feel are shameful.

Coping with trauma means learning to be naked and unashamed, in a sense. Our motives and fears are exposed. As we see them for what they are, we realize things about ourselves. We will have to work on accepting our past, being comfortable with who we are now, and look to a future filled with healthy connections and trust.

If we want to heal from abandonment and neglect, we must first stop abandoning and neglecting ourselves. We must start practicing self-care. This can look like working on our boundaries, speaking more lovingly to ourselves, asking for and accepting help, and addressing our co-dependent relationships.

We must learn to place value on voicing our preferences, points of view, and desires. Perhaps most importantly, we must learn to balance getting enough alone time with spending quality time with our friends and confidants.

Just as trauma is complex and affects us in many ways, so is healing. Opening up and letting people in can be a struggle for those dealing with abandonment trauma, but perhaps a good place to start is counseling. A counselor will not judge, will not withdraw, and we cannot overshare in a counseling session.

Help Available for Abandonment Issues

If you would like to incorporate counseling into your healing journey, reach out and contact our offices to begin. We can secure an appointment for you with one of the qualified Christian counselors in our practice. They will equip you with the skills and support to abandon your abandonment issues.