9 Tips for Surviving an Affair and Thriving

You have discovered your partner is having an affair. Now what? When someone is unfaithful, it can push a relationship into a spiral of hurt, anger, and emotional pain. While the discovery is a blow, the good news is that you can survive an affair. Many relationships emerge stronger from this difficult time, with the partners more committed to their relationship than ever. Couples who focus on growth and change, rather than fault-finding and blame, have a high success rate and are able to overcome the setbacks that can derail couples who allow emotion and anger prevail. Knowing what to expect will help you to manage your thoughts and emotions through this challenging time. If you are seeking to rebuild your relationship after an affair, this article presents some strategies or tips that can help you through the process.

1)   Expect to be Confused

To start with, you should expect to experience a wide range of emotions, such as anger, betrayal, and pain. These include emotions that you may not be able to describe. Infidelity in a marriage or a committed relationship severs trust, crushes dreams, and rocks both parties to the core. However, you can also beat yourself up with endless questions. Why did this happen? What do we do now? What did I do to deserve this? Whether you suspected your partner for a while, or were completely blindsided by the discovery, confusion is a normal reaction. It will take time to sort through your feelings and questions, so don’t expect to understand it all immediately. This is neither the time to make life-changing decisions, nor to bury your head in the sand and shut down emotionally. As confused as you are at the moment, given time your feelings of pain and anger can change to feelings of determination, clarity, and optimism.

2)   Understand that a Break in Trust Does Not Necessarily Mean the Relationship is Over

When someone cheats it creates a huge breach of trust in the relationship. The partner who was cheated on can feel such a strong sense of betrayal that moving past the affair can seem impossible. But repairing your relationship is possible, although this will not be an overnight process. After learning about the affair, the injured party will start to question what is true and what is a lie. At this point everything is open to question for the injured party and transparency is the only way to begin to rebuild trust. It is important for the one who offended to begin to see the world from your partner’s perspective and to appreciate how your actions have affected their sense of safety. Knowing this will help you to build new levels of trust and security through transparency and trust.

3)   Open Up the Lines of Communication

Talk about what happened. It is extremely important to keep the lines of communication open following infidelity. The partner who was cheated on will have a lot of questions and will want to know the details of the affair. Although hearing about it can be extremely painful, knowing the details, or at least the motivation behind the affair, will help the offended party to begin to deal with the affair. It is important for the partner who had the affair to be patient, cooperative, and understanding during this stage, even if they feel frustrated at the repetition and frequent explanations. The couple will be unable to move forward until there are no secrets and no lies and everything is out in the open.

4)   Understand that an Affair Can be a Relationship Wake-Up Call

An affair does not usually appear out of nowhere. Are there issues in your relationship that have gone unaddressed? Have you been fearful to tackle difficult issues? In order to save the relationship, the couple needs to have the courage to acknowledge and talk openly and honestly about their issues. An affair is a good opportunity to improve your relationship and strengthen the areas that were not working. The offended spouse also needs to be willing to take ownership of any of their negative contributions to the relationship. Additionally, is there remorse from the one who had the affair, and a willingness to take ownership of his or her choices? Are the spouses willing to do the work of self-examination in order to understand better why certain choices were made. Are they willing to address deep heart issues that allowed certain choices to be made, such as pride, entitlement, selfishness, anger, poor impulse control, sexual addiction, or family history issues? Seeking out Christian counseling can help individuals to sort through these issues.

5)   Know that Forgiveness Cannot be Rushed

Many people feel pressured to forgive their partner long before they are ready. When forgiveness does not come easily, couples mistakenly assume that it is a sign the relationship should end. Some think that they are to forgive and forget, while for others forgiveness seems to send a message to their partner that everything is fine, which of course is not the case. The reality is that forgiveness is possible as you come to peace with what happened and make a choice that will help the relationship to move forward.

6)   Pay Attention to Sincere Repair Efforts

When people are hurting they often overlook or discount the positive efforts that form the basis of a healing connection. While it is not positive or helpful to pat yourself on the back for half-hearted efforts, recognizing and acknowledging positive change does play a key role in rebuilding damaged trust.

7)   Plan for Time Together

Whether a picnic in the park, dinner out, or a special event in your area, make sure to schedule a date night once a week. Finding time to reconnect with your partner in a setting where you can focus on each other is vitally important. Couples who have shared interests and spend time together recover from an affair quicker and more effectively.

8)   Form a Vision of the Past and the Future

Another tip for surviving and thriving following an affair is to think back to when you first met. How did you fall in love? What was it about him or her that attracted you to them? Why did you get married? What did your relationship look like back then? Then consider the future you want together … raising your children, retirement, traveling, playing with the grandchildren, or enjoying family activities. What does that look like? Develop a future tense with your partner about how nice it would be to share life with the person you love the most.

9)   Seek Out Christian Counseling

Couples counseling can provide a supportive place to explore the emotionally painful issues you are facing. Rebuilding your relationship after the discovery of an affair will require a willingness to be honest with yourself and your partner, to tolerate extremely uncomfortable levels of tension, and to persist when discouraged. Challenging as this work of repair is, many couples discover that they are rewarded for their efforts. Most end up healthier and with a more satisfying relationship that ever before. As a Christian counselor who has worked with multiple couples following an affair, it would be my privilege to help your relationship to survive and even to thrive.