3 Therapeutic Tips for Parents – Reflective Language

Part 1 of a 3-Part Series

Being a parent is a full-time job. It is probably the hardest, most important thing you will do in your life. We all want to be good parents, to raise our children to know God, and to be kind people who are successful in their lives.

It’s almost impossible not to worry about what your kids will be like as adults, and sometimes the pressure of knowing that this is your responsibility is really frightening. What I have learned as a child therapist comforts me when I think about being a parent to my own children one day. I am trained to deal with some very challenging situations that arise in a therapeutic setting. These challenges may be far beyond what you will ever see as a parent, but some will also be all-too-familiar in your everyday lives. From the meltdown to getting out of the door on time, to which shoes to wear, or whether to wear shoes at all … as I list the possibilities, I stop there, because they are endless.

Therapeutic Tips that Help Your Family Interaction

In this three-part series of articles, I am presenting three tips that I have learned as a play therapist. I hope that they will help to make some of your interactions with your children less challenging and easier to manage. In this article, I focus on how reflective language can help to de-escalate tantrums and raise emotional awareness.

Feelings are Important

Reflective language is similar to reflective listening. It involves letting someone know that you hear them, and that you understand what they are trying to say – or at least that you are trying to understand. If you have ever seen a movie that involves therapy of some type, you will be familiar with the all-important, all-annoying question: How does that make you feel? You may be reading this and decide that you are done with this article and will go no further because I have even mentioned it. It’s easy to hate this question and, while it is a cliché, I probably ask it 20 times a day in my sessions because feelings are important.

What’s more, feelings are the key to de-escalating your child’s biggest tantrums. This is because tantrums are their means of communicating the answer to the question of how they are feeling. They are saying, “This is how I feel – and if you don’t get it, I will have to scream louder and throw this toy further so that you hear me.” Kids don’t have the words to say what they are feeling and thinking, so they use their behavior. When you learn to identify their feelings for them – and here’s the important part – before they have to begin “communicating” them to you, then you will be 800 steps ahead of the game. You will be on the verge of becoming the child whisperer you did not know you were deep down inside.

Fostering Emotional Awareness

I’m not suggesting that you ask your kid this while he is screaming because he can’t play legos any longer. “How does that make you feel, Connor?” This is pretty obvious to everyone in the house, and possibly on the block. Connor is angry and frustrated. In fact, I’m not suggesting you ask it at all. Most of the time your kids won’t be able to answer it anyway. Rather, I’m suggesting you should know what your kids are feeling before they show it, and that you should tell it to them. Doing this actually has a twofold benefit – it will de-escalate your child’s tantrums and it will, more importantly, foster his emotional awareness and intelligence. “Connor, I know that you really want to keep playing with your legos, you probably have a whole other building you want to erect, and are trying to decide what colors the wall will be versus the roof … but it’s about to be time for dinner … you need to start thinking about finishing up and decide which wall you’ll finish today and which you’ll save for tomorrow.” This is a super complex version of reflective language. In it, I am telling Connor that I am trying to understand how my telling him to stop playing legos is going to make him feel, how it’s going to impact what he’s thinking about, and what he may not even realize he’s thinking about.

Showing that You Care

Taking the time to figure out what he is thinking, and then communicating it to him, shows him that not only do I know, or can imagine, how he feels, but also that I care about it. A simpler version of this might be, “Connor, I know you’re frustrated about having to stop playing with your legos…” Or, “Connor, I know you don’t want to stop playing…” Both of these reflect his feelings. You can see the frown beginning to appear on his face. He does not see it. You can see the way he turns his body so that all you see is this crouched little figure protecting the legos for dear life… he cannot. Your words hold up a mirror that says, “I see you. I see every word your crouched figure is trying to communicate. You don’t have to communicate any further. I get it.”

Reflective language is not magic. It doesn’t work all the time, and you won’t always know what your child is thinking. It also takes time. It is far easier to say, “Connor, stop playing legos.” But what is not easier is the power struggle that will inevitably occur, especially if you have a strong-willed or tired child on your hands.

This doesn’t only apply to saying no to your child, or telling him to do something else. I just started there because it is one of the most common struggles parents come to me with. I ask, “So when does your child get angry or frustrated… and the answer is always, “When I have to tell him to do something he does not want to do.” Well, duh. But it is frustrating, and I get it. We all hope for a compliant and easy-going child, who just wants to please us (or is that just me?) … but they can’t all be that way, which is a good thing. The ones who fight us, argue, and seem most frustrating are often the ones who are bravest, most willing to take risks, and fight against other obstacles, such as injustice, slavery, and poverty, just to name a few.

Reflective Language in Practice

Here is a suggestion for where to start. Try to think about how your child might be seeing the situation, and this could apply to any situation. Do they look happy, sad, scared, disappointed, worried? Then say it out loud, for example, “Connor, you look really happy when you’re playing legos.” “Connor, you are so surprised it’s almost dinner time, where did the time go?” Or again, in a non “limit-setting” situation, “Connor, you are so excited Christmas is coming! You can’t wait to see Santa!” Or, “Connor, you’re feeling sad that it’s time to go home. You wish you could stay!”

Here are a few common responses to get you started:

• You feel…
• You wish…
• You’re wondering…
• You want to…
• You are…
• You thought…
• You’re thinking…
• You’re feeling…
• You wanted to…

Fostering Self-Talk and Early Decision Making

Try to practice this once or twice a day in a non-conflict situation. “Connor, you really like those carrots!” “Connor, you’re feeling tired.” This will help your child in so many ways, one of them being that he will start to be aware of his own feelings. He will begin to make the connections between his nonverbal expressions and how he feels inside, including important things like that snarky tone of voice, or the drop in his shoulders that signals another disappointment. He will develop self-talk more easily, which is the foundation of early decision making. “Which part of this Lego castle should I finish first, the roof or the door? … Maybe the roof because finishing the roof will keep Batman and Yoda from getting wet if it rains tomorrow, which is likely since I live in Seattle… The door can wait.”

My favorite benefit of using reflective language is that your child will feel that you get him. More than anything else, that is what I hope my kids will someday know more than anything else, that I get them. Even if their friends, teachers, boyfriends, or girlfriends don’t get them, they will know that somebody understands them, and that person is me.

Christian Counseling for Parenting Help

As a Christian counselor and child therapist, I am all-too-aware that parenting is a challenging task. But you don’t have to face it alone. If you are struggling with parenting issues, Christian counseling can offer you a safe space in which to explore the challenges you face.

*** You probably noticed that each reflection contained Connor’s name at the beginning. Saying your child’s name gets his attention. This is another thing that will help in keeping your composure when you have to set a limit. If you’re already going to have to tell him something more than once, saying his name may increase the chances that he hears you sooner. Consider also your tone of your voice and try to sound as genuine as possible. Try to match your child’s feelings when you reflect.