Being Fair When One Child Has ADHD and Their Siblings Don’t

If you’re a parent of a child who has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, you know that a lot of your day can be consumed with trying to help them stay on task and managing their emotions and schedule. Your day may be filled with what feels like a constant battle of finding lost items or refereeing misunderstandings.

You may also know that familiar feeling of guilt when you feel as if you haven’t given equal time or attention to your other children, the ones who don’t have ADHD. You may see the hurt in their faces, and you certainly feel it in your heart. Parenting is a delicate balance and when you add ADHD to the mix, it might feel close to impossible.

If you’re raising children where one has ADHD and the others don’t, you’ve likely wondering how to meet each child’s unique needs without showing favoritism. However, there are practical tools that can help you keep grace and fairness at the center of your family. You can show equal attention to all your children and also maintain your sanity.

Understanding ADHD and Its Impact on Family Life

If ADHD were just about hyperactivity or losing focus, it might not feel so overwhelming, but it’s not. ADHD affects how the brain processes the world. Kids with ADHD struggle with impulsivity, forgetfulness, and emotional regulation. This can make everyday tasks and relationships, especially sibling relationships, more challenging.

Siblings without ADHD may perceive these ADHD-typical behaviors as “getting away with things” or they may feel overlooked when their sibling requires extra attention.

As a parent, you know that your love for your children is equal and infinite, but that true sentiment doesn’t always get communicated to your other children when they see the extra time and attention you spend on your child with ADHD. This can lead to feelings of jealousy, resentment and even frustration on all sides. It can affect the parent-child and sibling relationships in profound ways.

That’s where, as parents and caring adults, we can step in to bridge the gap through compassion, empathy, and strategy.

Display empathy for ADHD, but don’t use excuses

It’s easy to make excuses for your child. Your love for them may cloud your judgement and allow you to overlook certain behaviors. Simultaneously, parents may find that they are tougher on their child with ADHD than their other children. The built-up frustration over the seemingly repetitive disobedience leaks out, only to feel the weight of guilt after.

Clearly, ADHD is not an excuse for poor behavior, but it is an explanation. The distinction is key, particularly when dealing with siblings. You can validate the challenges your ADHD child faces while still holding them accountable for their reactions and behavior.

So, how do you find that balance? It’s important that all your children feel loved, heard, and honored at the end of the day. That can be tricky if ADHD has interfered with sibling interactions and has forced you to intervene. However, there are ways to manage ADHD behavior without showing favoritism.

For example, if your child with ADHD impulsively interrupts their sibling during a board game, you might say, “I understand that waiting your turn can be really hard sometimes, but it’s important to respect others. Let’s take a moment to breathe and it will be your turn soon.”

This type of approach will help your child learn to manage their natural impulses that are often triggered by ADHD. Perhaps more importantly, it helps to preserve (or perhaps build) the positive relationship between your children.

At a later time, when emotions have calmed, you can also explain how ADHD impacts your child to their siblings. Inform them that ADHD can make it particularly difficult to exhibit patient behavior and thank them for understanding and showing grace. This will help them develop empathy toward their siblings and help ward off any animosity from what they may perceive as preferential treatment.

Fairness doesn’t equal sameness

A concept that often gets lost in parenting and in society, in general, is that fair doesn’t always mean equal. Just as Jesus met people where they were, we’re called to do the same with our kids. Each child is unique and wonderfully made. They need different things from us to thrive. While this is true, it might not be easily understood by your children.

You might explain this to your kids with a simple analogy: If one of you broke your leg and needed crutches, I’d give you crutches, not because you’re my favorite, but because you need them. Right now, your sibling (with ADHD) has a different set of needs and it’s my job to help meet them.

Practical Tips for Balancing Attention

Here are a few ideas to help mitigate the feelings of unfairness within your family when your time and attention seem to be focused on one child.

Schedule one-on-one time Make it a priority to spend special individualized time with each child. This sends the message that you see them and value them. It doesn’t have to be an expensive or extravagant outing to make them feel special. Something as simple as a quiet chat before bed or a trip to the park can fill their emotional cup and help right any perceived imbalances.

Cheer for teamwork Sometimes parenting requires you to play the role of coach and cheerleader. Find ways for your children to work together in a joint activity or as a team to accomplish something concrete. Maybe your child with ADHD loves movement. If this is the case, encourage all your children to play a game of Frisbee where they have to move and work together. If your children enjoy, ask them to produce their own live stage play to perform.

Set clear expectations Be consistent with creating and enforcing boundaries. Boundaries are blessings to all kids, ADHD or not. Establish clear house rules and practice consistent follow-through of natural consequences. This can help keep your household respectful and kind for all members. Be sure to also give each child equal consequences when they step outside of the house rules. When everyone knows what to expect, it reduces the feelings of unfairness.

Seek therapy Therapy can offer your child family the needed support, individualized advice, and coping skills. Most importantly, a therapist can help your child feel heard and understood. Therapy will teach them valuable communication skills. Likewise, it can also help you to better manage the dynamics of your home through family counseling or even individual sessions with each member of your family.

Parenting a family where one child seems to take the spotlight can be challenging. Balancing attention between your children with and without ADHD can also be an opportunity to model Christ-like love, empathy, and provide many teachable moments.

Embracing the unique needs of one child doesn’t mean that you are neglecting your other children. Fairness doesn’t mean that you have to treat everyone the same, it simply means that you are meeting each child where they are and helping them thrive. Modeling grace, having the right tools, and living intentionally can strengthen your family bond. It can teach your children how to love and understand each other, even in the face of challenges.

You’ve been chosen for this role and with God’s guidance, you are full equipped to handle any moment of forgotten homework or tantrum you encounter.

Getting Help with ADHD

If you are ready for the help of a therapist, either for you or your child, reach out to our offices. We will schedule an appointment for you with one of the therapists in our practice. They will walk the journey with you, bringing both skills and hope into the difficult but sacred task of parenting!