Divorce and Children: Helping Your Children Through Divorce

Divorce is not something we go into marriage wishing for, but for many couples, things happen that end the marital union unexpectedly. Whether from betrayal, infidelity, or issues beyond repair, marriages sometimes end. If you are parents, the challenges can be amplified when you are having to co-parent with your former spouse.

To help your family overcome the hurt and pain, both parents must commit and learn how to manage divorce and how to support their children effectively through all of the changes and challenges that will follow.

Managing divorce and children.

Managing divorce and children is something you will need to tackle for the rest of your life when a marriage ends. Even as your children grow into adults, you may face your ex-spouse at family events involving your children (and grandchildren). Setting aside your differences is imperative to maintaining a healthy and amicable relationship without strain.

The following are tips for handling divorce and children. You can use many of these strategies whether you co-parent or if your spouse leaves permanently. Newly divorced parents who are left with the full-time responsibility of raising children can tweak these methods.

Starting over after divorce is hard and may affect you and your children emotionally and mentally. It can also affect your spiritual life, but now is the time to lean closer to God. He is aware of your situation and if you turn to Him, He will help you rebuild or strengthen your faith.

God will point you in the direction of something better and even open doors previously shut.

Raising your children in a church means having spiritual leaders help guide them. If you are not currently attending a church, ask for recommendations. Most churches now require their children’s church and youth group leaders to have had a certified background check performed. This may relieve some worries about having other adults around your children who are not family.

Attending a church can also allow you to join small groups. Many churches offer specialized groups for men or women, single, married, or divorced.

Don’t isolate your children.

Pain can often make us withdraw from others. We pull into ourselves when we hurt or feel threatened, but our children need us more than ever after a divorce. Their world has been turned upside down and shaken. If your marriage ended due to abuse or abandonment, your children might have lost a parent from their lives permanently.

It is normal and all right to grieve the marriage and the loss of the traditional family with your children, but take care to make sure that you are present at this moment with them. Moving on from the past, planning your future, and including your children in your plans will make them feel accepted and loved. Children need security amid the upheaval, and by keeping your attention on them and in the present, you can fill that need.

Support one another.

As difficult as it can be, if safety is not an issue, you and your former spouse must learn to support one another. This means not speaking negatively about the other in front of the children. When you make comments about the other parent, it creates derision.

Your child tries to figure out what side he or she should be on and how he or she should act in front of the other parent. Your child wants to please you, but he or she also wants to please the other parent.

Making children choose sides, even subtly, robs your child of that much-needed security. Your child should look forward to spending time with each parent. If your former spouse is no longer in the picture, it may be best to keep your opinions private in front of your child and make the time with you memorable. You can always vent to other adults and speak to a therapist.

Work on better communication.

When co-parenting, communication is key. You need to have a way to contact each other in case of emergencies or changes in the co-parenting schedule. Due to the divorce, you may want to keep communication with your ex-spouse to the bare minimum, and this can be beneficial, especially after a painful breakup; however, communication regarding your children must stay open.

If the two of you seem to argue in every conversation, perhaps suggest a few sessions with a therapist or counselor specializing in divorced couples. Conflict resolution, anger management, active listening, and learning to express your feelings are lifelong skills that can make the transition and new lifestyle of co-parenting smoother.

Depending on the age of your children, you may co-parent for up to eighteen years. Even after your child is grown, you may need to attend events, and good and respectful communication can make the relationship between you and your ex easier.

As time passes, you may marry someone else, and your ex may do the same, so ensuring that you can reach agreements as two separate families working as one regarding your children will bring a sense of unity.

Listen to your children.

Children do not always know how to express their frustrations and concerns. Just like we must learn how to communicate, they also do. Take the time to ask your child about their day. Talk about the divorce and how he or she feels about it. Reassure him or her that both parents love them immensely and that the decision to divorce is not because of something they did.

Often, we believe that children should already know this, but children often associate traumatic experiences with themselves. They may ask themselves, “What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t Mommy or Daddy want to live with me anymore?” Show your child that it is okay to vocalize his or her feelings.

Your child’s behavior may change during and after a divorce, and this can signify that he or she is not dealing with the divorce well. If your child is struggling, you may want to recruit the help of a pediatric therapist or a school counselor.

Structure your children’s schedule.

Do you know why your children have a set schedule at school? It is because children thrive from structure and routine. Even teenagers that want to do their own thing, secretly want their parents to care enough to set rules, schedules, and structure in the home.

If you are co-parenting, make it a priority to sit down with your ex and create a schedule that works for both of you. You may need a mediator to accomplish this, but your children will benefit.

If you are a single parent now, use routines and schedules to help your child adapt. For example, create an evening routine so your child knows what to expect on school nights versus weekends. You may want to designate specific evenings or days, so your child has something to look forward to, such as Game Night Wednesdays or Saturday Fundays.

Be a good role model.

In our rush to resume an everyday life like before divorce and children, we may jump too soon. We make rash decisions and may begin dating before we have allowed ourselves to heal. We turn to vices to fill the gaping wound from the divorce, like alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, sex, or binge eating.

We struggle with our place in the world after a divorce, yet when we have children, we must make every effort to accept where we are right now and find the courage to move forward. Sometimes this means asking for help from your family and friends, a mental health professional, or your clergy or pastor. It means doing and saying things that a good role model for your children would do.

Parents are built-in role models for children. We teach our children how to be or how not to be by our actions and words. Before losing your temper or withdrawing from family, identify your emotions; ask for direction from someone and keep your children close.

Seek help when needed.

Setting your disagreements and hurts aside to co-parent with your ex may be difficult. You may want to consider therapy as a family to manage what is best regarding divorce and children. A therapist specializing in family relationships can help you strengthen communication and improve conflict resolution. There is hope.