Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Setting boundaries early in the relationship can prevent actions that will destroy the marriage. Like how you know to stop at a red light in traffic and go when the light turns green, healthy boundaries in marriage give you the signal to stop or move forward.

Boundaries in marriage are anything but restricting. Instead, they give you a guideline, a guardrail on how far you can go until there is no turning back. But to make boundaries work, you both must be clear on what to expect.

Creating healthy boundaries in marriage

To build a strong foundation in marriage, you must honor and respect boundaries. Most people have a set of built-in “rules” that they follow, like The Ten Commandments, not stealing or killing people. These are clear-cut rules that, if broken, can wreak havoc in your life and the lives of others.

Boundaries in marriage are similar. If you break the “rules,” your marriage can end, and you could lose your home and family in the fallout. Yet, if you follow the agreed-upon guidelines, you can rest safe and secure knowing that although your marriage may not be perfect (no one’s marriage is perfect), you still have love, respect, honor, and hope.

The following are tips for creating healthy boundaries in marriage.

Communication is a must

Communication may seem simple, but many marriages end in divorce due to poor communication skills. Being upfront about managing anger and expressing your needs and wants can make disagreements easier.

Do you feel comfortable expressing your displeasure about something with your spouse? Do you both know how to be assertive yet kind? So often, we treat our spouses as mind readers and then become angry when their telepathy fails. Take the guesswork out of arguments and end passive-aggressive behavior by improving your communication skills as a couple.

Happiness does not come from a spouse

Why do we believe that the Happily-Ever-After ending from the fairy tales should be a realistic ending to our marriage? We do it every day. We assume that the moment we are no longer happy with our spouse, it is the end of the relationship.

Your happiness does not lie with your spouse. You are responsible for your happiness, and your spouse is responsible for theirs. People will let us down, not on purpose, but because they are human. We cannot define ourselves through a spouse (or any other person).

You must do things that make your soul happy while continuing to build your relationship. You should have hobbies, interests, and friends separate from your marriage.

Show respect

There will be times in your marriage when you do not see eye to eye. That is a natural part of any relationship. However, even during tough times, you should still show shared respect for one another. This means not badmouthing your spouse to others or sharing personal information.

We all have the capacity to vent to our closest friends about a significant other, especially if we feel they are in the wrong. But what does that accomplish? It does not strengthen the relationship or solve the problem. Instead, it can cause more problems if it gets back to your spouse that you are confiding in other people.

Set boundaries about the people you will turn to for marriage advice. You may want to consider someone unbiased, like a pastor or a counselor, instead of friends and family.

Household expectations

How often do you and your spouse argue over who should do the dishes, mop the floors, take care of the laundry, or mow the lawn? Household chores are generally not a topic broached by couples until after marriage, but this can prove to be a point of contention.

People generally follow the same path regarding chores as they experienced as a child. For example, did your mother take care of all of the indoor duties, but your father did the yardwork? Was your spouse’s mother a stay-at-home mom who seemed to do it all without help? Or did your parents wing it, doing a chore when they saw it needed doing?

Household chore boundaries in marriage are flexible; you can change how you want to manage the tasks moving forward. For example, if your single mother handled all the chores while you were growing up, then maybe you would rather split the chores down the middle to share with your spouse. Choose a schedule that works for your marriage.

No fear to express your concerns

At no time should you feel fearful when expressing your opinions. Neither you nor your spouse should have fits of rage because the other person disagrees on a topic. You must not tolerate physical and emotional abuse.

This should be a clear boundary set early in the relationship. But you should also agree on what constitutes abuse. Your spouse may have been raised in an environment where certain behaviors or words exchanged were standard, unlike your childhood. Define what you consider abuse and understand your spouse’s viewpoint.

Agree on commitment levels

If you are a Christian, then you are probably aware of the importance of marriage in the Bible. God views marriage as a covenant between a man, a woman, and Himself. Therefore, throughout Scripture, warnings about adultery abound.

Yet, many divorces are the result of affairs and infidelity. Before you marry, clarify your commitment level and expectations for the marriage. What do you consider cheating? Are you going to be angry if your spouse flirts with other people?

Your spouse may have different views on commitment. Is he fine with flirting, or does he become jealous when you speak to another man? Both are extremes but common reactions. Make sure you are on the same page about commitment and marriage.

Personal space

No matter how much you love your significant other, you cannot spend 24 hours, seven days a week with them. It is unhealthy to stay in constant contact or be unwilling to leave their side. A codependent relationship is more likely to result.

To keep your marriage alive and flourishing, you will need to spend quality time together, as that is how you grow intimately. But for your own mental and emotional health, take the time to rediscover a hobby or research a new interest. Curl up in a chair at the other end of the apartment from your spouse and read a book. It is perfectly natural (and healthy) to spend time on self-care and engaging in solitary activities.

Expectations for sex

Sexual intimacy in marriage can differ between couples. For example, a newlywed couple may expect sex several times per week, whereas another couple may be content with sex a few times each month. However, the frequency and the expectations during sex should align so that each person feels that their level of intimacy is satisfied.

This can be a difficult conversation to have, so try to remain open-minded. Conversations about sex for a married couple should be normalized, but it is often not spoken about publicly. If you are planning your wedding, now is the time to discuss what you will and will not allow. If you are already married, be frank about your expectations and listen to your significant other’s desires.

When boundaries are not enough

If you are already married, you may have realized that your marriage could be better if you had established boundaries. But how do you create boundaries in a marriage that already exists without hurting each other?

To keep blame and hurt out of the conversation, turn your dialogue into “I” statements. For example, “I feel hurt when you stay out until 3 a.m. without calling me.” Avoid jargon like “You always (fill in the blank).”

If setting boundaries seems impossible, reach out to a counselor today. A counselor can work as a mediator, allowing both parties to talk and share their expectations and concerns in a safe space. Contact us to schedule an appointment.