Your Attitude Affects the Success of Your Marriage After An Affair

References “NOT ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli

You and your spouse’s attitudes post-affair are the best indicator of whether your marriage will succeed. Unsurprisingly, couples committed to doing whatever it takes to repair their marriage are much more likely to remain married than couples who have the attitude that they would like their marriage to succeed, but they’re not going to work any harder than they are now to ensure that. (119)

Dealing With Ambivalence

Involved partner: Are they still clinging to the affair? If the adulterous partner insists on remaining in contact with their affair partner, there is a good chance they are not very committed to the success of the marriage. Rather than wholly committing to plan A– their marriage, they divide their energies into making sure they have a safety net (the extramarital relationship) in case plan A fails. Thereby almost ensuring it does.

If the involved spouse cannot promise their spouse they will end the affair, they need to tell them. If they continue to see their affair partner, but do not tell their spouse, they are just making it more unlikely their marriage will succeed, as they will most likely eventually find out. (131)

 Signs they are ambivalent: They refuse to cease contact with the affair partner. They may show their loyalty to the affair partner through their reluctance to talk about the affair. Often more concerned about how their affair partner is handling the post-disclosure upheaval than their spouse. (120-121)

What if you don’t want to end your affair?

Ending an affair is hard. You care about this person and cannot imagine never being with them again. But you cannot continue stringing along your affair partner and your spouse. “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God.” (1 John 3:9 NIV) Don’t misunderstand this verse. It is not saying believers must be perfect. It is saying they acknowledge when they are embedded in a sinful habit and stop. No matter how many excuses you come up with, continuing an affair is against God’s design for marriage.

Betrayed partner: It is only natural betrayed spouses want to protect themselves from more pain after they find out their partner has been unfaithful. Ambivalence in the involved partner makes the betrayed partner’s worse. However, Glass says, “Don’t push your partner away or try to pull your partner in. Sink your feet firmly in the ground and declare your commitment to work on the marriage alongside your partner, as long as your partner is willing to meet you halfway.” (122)

Betrayed spouses may also need time to get out of the fog of betrayal before they can work on the marriage. They are often too overwhelmed by uncertainty and pain in the beginning to give a reliable indication of their intentions.

Signs they are ambivalent: They are reluctant to do nice things for their partner. “They may feel entitled to be paid back in full before they are willing to take any initiative to invest in the marriage. Their attitude is to ‘wait and see’ how hard their partner is willing to work to make amends.” (122)

Both spouses: Ambivalence in both partners is not as bad a sign as you might think. As long as they are not dead set on getting divorced, there is still hope for the marriage. (124) However, they need to decide whether they are willing to put in the work required to save their marriage. Glass says it is important spouses be specific and active about the decisions they make, rather than allow things to take their own course.

She used the example of a husband whose wife invited him to move back into the bedroom from the couch while he had a cold so he would be more comfortable. He stayed after he got better, but they didn’t discuss it. They didn’t discuss the affair much at all. He left two years later to move in with his affair partner. (124-125)

How to deal with ambivalence

Acknowledge that you are ambivalent. “If you cannot throw yourself wholeheartedly back into the relationship, admit that you are struggling with your inner conflict.” The partner who strayed will often act on their ambivalence in ways their spouse does not understand. If the involved partner tells their spouse about their ambivalence, it helps the betrayed spouse understand what is going on. Also, if the unfaithful spouse does not acknowledge their ambivalence, and continues to deceive their partner, that may cause them to leave the marriage.

Being aware of the betraying partner’s uncertainty about their commitment to the marriage also gives the faithful spouse an idea of what to expect. They can use this to finalize their decision whether to remain in the marriage. “A remarkable thing happens when you are honest with each other, even if it is about your ambivalence. You feel closer because taking down walls and opening windows results in greater intimacy.” (124)

Christian Counseling for Dealing with an Affair

It can seem hopeless after infidelity. One partner may not be sure whether they want to end it. The other may not be sure whether they want to endure the arduous process of repairing the relationship. There is hope. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) Use this verse as the propellant you need for you and your spouse to decide what you want out of your marriage. Bogging down in ambivalence will only extend the life of your problems. They will use therapeutic techniques and biblical principles to guide you through the process of dealing with marriage after an affair.