Using Stopgaps to Control Your Anger: How a Timeout Can Help Break the Cycle

In the musical Wicked, Glinda (the good witch), confronts Elphaba (the green witch), about an incident with the Wizard of Oz. According to Glinda’s allegation, Elphaba has acted out of anger, burning a bridge, and losing an ally. She sees Elphaba’s actions as reckless and foolish and accuses her of flying off the handle and hurting her cause forever.

Elphaba is disappointed with a man that she thought was good and is taking a stand against his cruelty. She sees Glinda as submissive to a manipulative man. At the end of the scene, the witches are not speaking to each other, both lost in their anger over the other’s actions.

Neither stops to try and understand where the other is coming from. Glinda does not care why Elphaba confronted the wizard. Elphaba doesn’t try to understand Glinda’s reasons for staying on the wizard’s good side. Like so many other individuals, they let anger dictate the moment and lost a friend because of it.

One reality is this, we all have far more control over our emotions than we realize. Too many of us live as if we are in bondage to our emotions, unable to do anything to manage or regulate them. But nothing could be further from the truth.

In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul writes that we are to take every thought captive. This reminder is backed by the challenge to focus on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, excellent, and praiseworthy (see Philippians 4:8). These examples let us know that we have a lot of control over what we allow to consume our thoughts. This includes the need to control your anger.

However, this truth can be a tricky thing to remember when we are lost in our anger. Learning how to control our anger is one of the best that we can do for ourselves, and for family and loved ones.

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. – Proverbs 14:29, ESV

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained Neuroanatomist (the studies of the anatomy of the nervous system) writes about how our emotions only exist for 90 seconds. To stay angry about something longer than that means we are choosing to ruminate in that emotion. Dr. Taylor states that if we pause and let the emotion make its way through our body, it will only last for 90 seconds. That is why taking a breath or walking away can be so helpful.

The key is to divert our attention for that time. It is not replaying what made us upset, but instead, we are choosing to focus on something else.

If we are going to cultivate the habit of pausing before we react, we need to learn how to replace what annoys us with something better. This replacement is known as a “stopgap.”

Stopgap defined

According to dicionary.com, a stopgap is defined as “a temporary way of dealing with a problem or satisfying a need.”

When it comes to our anger, stopgaps help us to divert our attention from whatever is triggering us. It is not enough to take a walk around the block if all we are going to do is think about what just happened and get angrier, compose our response as we walk, and relive the list of things that this person has done to us. If we are going to take the necessary step of having a stopgap to help control our anger, we must follow that up with a detour down a different road.

Some helpful strategies are:

• Think about something else.
• Find positive ways to release your frustration.
• Get beyond the burst of emotion and figure out a positive step to remedy the situation.
• Do some deep breathing and clear your mind.
• Focus on something positive in your environment.
• Consider whether what you are getting ready to say or do will benefit you, your partner, or your family in the long run.

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. – Proverbs 15:18, ESV.

Paul writes to the Ephesians, telling them, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:25-27, ESV).

Often, what we are mad at is not what we are mad about. Getting at the root of what we are truly angry about is freedom. Freedom is not blowing up at our kids, not making a snide comment at our neighbor, not raging about how incompetent our boss is, nor sending off that fiery email or text when the root issue is none of those things, gives us a sense of freedom.

To have a bad day, and let things pile up and then yell at the dog for tipping over the garbage, is projecting unresolved frustration onto the poor dog (or kids, spouse, co-worker, or the cashier at the grocery store). Learning to control your anger starts with knowing your anger.

Decision to enforce a stopgap

An individual usually has the power to not lash out, to change their thoughts, to take a timeout, and to do something else until the anger has dissipated and one can think with a clear head.

This is a decision an individual chooses to make and hold oneself accountable for. The analogy is that you bite your tongue, literally, and walk away. It is respecting yourself and others enough to hold fast to your commitment to regulate your emotions and stop letting your anger get the best of you.

Once you have decided to enforce a stopgap, then it is time to get to the root of what truly triggered you. Until one gets a clear understanding of why they are angry, the temptation to be snide or lash out will continue to be there.

The choice to control your anger

An individual would usually get angry to cover up their frustration, pain, disappointment, feelings of powerlessness, and of being overlooked or rejected. Anger is a masking emotion, but often it is suppressed and does not allow what is triggering the hurt to come to light.

Controlling your anger starts with an honest self-assessment of your emotions. Choosing to do an honest self-assessment of our emotions includes making positive choices to regulate our emotions, such as not hitting the wall when you could go mow the lawn or going for a walk around the block versus going another round with your spouse. It is choosing to use positive versus negative communication.

An individual would have to choose to enforce a stopgap. In doing so, you would choose to do something else for ninety seconds to two minutes; not ruminating but trying to clear your mind. Then you would re-examine the situation from a more neutral perspective.

It starts with asking yourself the question, “What is really going on here?” And then asking, “Why?” and, “Is that true?” For example,

“I’m frustrated with the dog.”
“Why?”
“He won’t come inside.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s a dumb dog that does not listen.”
“Is that true?”
“No. He loves the sun and now he will not come because I am yelling.”
“What do you need to do?”
“Take a deep breath.”

Deep breath in and out. Repeat as needed.

“Does it matter if he comes in now?”
“No. I can leave him outside.”

Go, come back, and let the dog in later.
If, “Yes, because I have to leave.”

“How can you get the dog to come in without yelling at him?”
“I can give him a treat.”

Try that. And show him some love.

Once you have calmed down, ask yourself:

• Why does it make you angry when the kids are loud?
• Why does the traffic, that you have no control over and cannot fix, make you angry?
• What made you angry about your boss’ reaction?

Once you can identify why you became angry, then identify a positive action or strategy to move forward and do that instead.

Professional help may be needed when trying to regulate emotions, and that is okay. But sometimes we cannot do it alone. Sometimes our anger is like a weed whose roots go deep, and we need someone to guide us through the process with care and wisdom.

The counselors at our office are here to help. Anger is not something to be ashamed of. We are here to help you learn how to control your anger. Call us today.