Rediscovering Yourself After a Toxic Marriage

If you recently left a toxic marriage, you understand how emotionally and physically exhausting it was to continue in it. God created marriage, but when one spouse treats the other dishonorably or abuses them, it may cause divorce.

Although you have left the relationship and situation, you may have new challenges to face. Often, we find it harder to make a fresh start because we lost ourselves during the toxic marriage. We must rediscover ourselves, heal from the toxicity, and build our self-esteem and confidence.

Ways to Rediscover Yourself After a Toxic Marriage

Abuse, neglect, and trauma can wear away your self-esteem and confidence. You may feel like you have an uphill battle to regain everything lost as you begin a fresh start. Rediscovering yourself and healing takes time.

If your spouse spoke insults or hateful words to you, you may have accepted those statements as truth. You may want to seek professional help from a counselor to learn how to quiet negative thoughts and reveal the truth behind those beliefs. Often, women must find their identities in Christ before they can work on themselves. Christian counseling can help you lean into God and walk out your faith amid uncertainty.

The following is a list of ways to rediscover yourself after a toxic marriage.

Process your emotions

After leaving a toxic marriage, we often rush into another relationship or give ourselves a pep talk that includes, “Chin up! We can do this.” We stuff the pain and hurt down deep inside and push ourselves to move forward without allowing time to grieve and process emotions.

Unprocessed emotions, however, will reveal themselves in other ways. You may experience physical symptoms like headaches, unexplained body aches, or digestive issues. Your symptoms may be more emotional, like feeling anxious or depressed, or giving in to impulsive behaviors to feel better. Take the time to process your emotions and “feel your feelings.” It will be uncomfortable, but it is necessary for the healing process.

Limit contact with your ex

If your ex was abusive or controlling, they may try to stay in contact with you continually. Even if they left the marriage because of someone else, they may still try to keep you as an option. Unfortunately, you can forgive them in these situations, but you must limit contact with them for your peace of mind and health.

This is more challenging if you share children. Limit contact to only conversations about custody or visitation. If you need a mediator, choose a trusted friend or family member, or someone from legal counsel. Don’t follow your ex on social media or initiate conversations.

Begin healing with self-care

Toxic relationships take more energy than they give. We place our spouse first above ourselves and become nervous, anxious, and depressed. We stop caring for our needs and view self-care as a luxury.

Self-care is a necessary part of life. It includes the activities that make us feel like the best versions of ourselves and light us up from within. What does this look like for you? Maybe it is getting your hair done and spending an afternoon reading somewhere quietly. Or, perhaps it is having lunch with friends and then going out on a boat for the evening. List activities that make you feel good and schedule them into your calendar.

Know it’s okay to grieve

Recognize that it’s okay to grieve. Although you may feel relieved that the toxic marriage has ended, you once had dreams for the relationship. You had visions and goals for the future. You may have been married for years, maybe decades. You may share children and grandchildren. Perhaps you have to start over in a new home, town, or state.

Allow yourself the time to grieve. The grieving process consists of five stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may move through one stage quicker than another, or you may cycle back through a few of the stages. Consult with a counselor if you feel stuck in grief.

Establish boundaries

Establishing boundaries is a priority now that you are separated from your ex. Toxic people disregard boundaries; you may have experienced this during your marriage. Let your ex and others know when you are accessible and when you are not.

For example, if your in-laws have shown up at your door in the past unannounced and at all hours, clearly explain that you will not answer the door (or phone) past a specific time and that they must call ahead.

Establishing boundaries with an ex who always disregarded them in the past is challenging. Sometimes, you will have to ignore their calls or texts until they learn they no longer have free access to you. Learn to say no to other demands and opportunities that pull you away from your values or rob you of your peace.

Set goals

Perhaps it’s been years since you set goals to fulfill dreams that were important to you. Maybe you have never set goals. Goal setting has many benefits. For starters, setting a goal and creating a plan to reach that goal gives you a sense of control.

If your ex was controlling, this new sensation of being in charge of your life may feel both scary and motivating. Your confidence will grow as you accomplish your goals. You will build resilience and perseverance, essential character traits.

List ten things you would like to see happen over the next year. Choose items from different areas of your life, such as relationships, family, career, finances, health, and leisure. Next, choose one or two of these goals to work on first. Write down what you need to do monthly, weekly, and daily to achieve these goals. Track your progress and pivot when necessary.

Make a date with friends

When was the last time you hung out with your friends, laughing and catching up with each other? Many people find themselves isolated during a toxic relationship. Yet, friendships can help us become better versions of ourselves.

Reconnect with your friends and invite them over for coffee. Find activities like hiking, window shopping, attending a concert or play, fishing, or dinner out, or plan a movie or game night at your home, and have everyone bring a dish. Keep your eyes open to form new friendships, maybe with the new neighbor or single parent at your children’s school.

Rediscover fitness

Exercise might be the last thing on your mind, but fitness is a great natural stress reliever and antidepressant. Heart-pumping activity boosts mood, strengthens bones and muscles, reduces fat, maintains a healthy BMI, improves circulation and respiration, and regulates blood pressure and resting heart rate.

Many people find that rediscovering fitness and working out on most days helps them regulate their emotions. You build confidence as your body grows stronger, leaner, and more flexible. Aim for 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity activity weekly with various exercises, including walking, strength training, and flexibility training.

Give yourself grace

Stop blaming yourself for what you didn’t know or were afraid to do. Give yourself grace. No one deserves to be in a toxic relationship. You cannot change your ex. Only God and His Holy Spirit can change the heart of a person. You need to forgive yourself and start the process of healing.

Reach out to a counselor to discuss your situation and ways to start healing today.

Call us to schedule a session with a Christian counselor

Healing from a toxic marriage takes time. You may need to heal physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you need to rebuild your self-esteem, learn to trust again, and find a way to envision a future without the toxic relationship, reach out to our office. We will schedule an assessment for you with a Christian counselor. Your counselor will combine psychology techniques with Christian values to help you heal. Contact us today.