6 Premarital Counseling Questions to Ask and Answer

At the start of marriage, a couple feels excited and optimistic about their future ahead, and so they should, given that marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts. While it can be difficult to think of anything that you could disagree on that could cause a serious marital rift, the reality is that there are many issues that, if not handled appropriately, can threaten the peace and joy in a marriage. There are several premarital counseling questions that should be asked.

That is why premarital counseling questions are so valuable and can lay the foundation for a solid start. Whether you choose to go through them on your own, or together with a premarital counselor, these questions can help you have important conversations before you vow to spend your life with someone. They can indicate any red flags, or draw you closer together as you prepare to tie the knot, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.

What are your expectations for marriage?

Marriage can seem like the natural thing to do when you have met someone you have fallen in love with and dated for some time. But it is worth spending some time discussing what the marriage commitment means to both of you.

Why do you want to be married, and what do you believe is the purpose of marriage? Write down some expectations of what you hope marriage will be like, and a vision for what “through thick and thin” looks like. Will you vow to keep working on the relationship, even if you get to a place where you feel disconnected and distant from one another?

This premarital counseling question could also lead to conversations around what concrete steps you can put in place to prevent disconnection from setting in (date nights, open communication, etc.). Henry Ward Beecher is quoted as saying, “Every successful marriage is the result of two people working diligently and skillfully to cultivate their love.”

Indeed, all marriages will face difficult times, so knowing from the beginning that it will require work, can set a realistic expectation.

What kind of future and goals do you have in life?

As an individual, you will likely have made choices according to the goals that you have set for your life. You have personal goals, career goals, and spiritual goals. When you get married, your spouse needs to know about these goals, as they reflect much about what you stand for as a person. Asking each other this question can help you understand how you can support your spouse in achieving their goals, and likewise how they can support you.

This is the time to dream big: what are those bucket list items? Do you want to sail around the world on a yacht one day? If so, will your future mate be joining you or cheering you on from the sidelines?

In many instances, couples are drawn together initially due to shared interests and passions, but this is not always the case. This should not be divisive, but instead an opportunity to learn and grow together. Take time to discuss what you envision your family to look like, whether you’d like to have children, and, if so, how many you would ideally like.

How do we love and interact with each other in our relationship?

These kinds of premarital counseling questions require honest reflection and openness, and may just be the starting point as you move toward increased emotional intimacy. A key goal of marriage is to create a space where each person feels completely emotionally safe. Ask yourself: Do I feel accepted and loved in this relationship? Do I feel secure and is there complete transparency?

Then there are questions about communication and conflict resolution. The best time to talk about how you communicate, especially when things get heated, is when you’re both in a relaxed, calm frame of mind. Do you communicate in a way that leads to mutual understanding? Can you identify unhelpful patterns of communication that need to be worked on, so that they do not become problematic in marriage?

What happens where a disagreement erupts; and, most importantly, how are differences and hurts resolved? While some couples may have arguments and fights more than others, it is unlikely that a couple will not ever face conflict. Conflict is not the problem; it is how it is overcome that makes all the difference.

Spend time thinking through your unique personalities and how they blend. What strengths do you each bring to the marriage, and what are your areas for growth and development?

In what way will our past bear weight on our marriage?

We do not always realize the significance of our upbringing and how this impacts the patterns adopted in marriage. We might like to assume that we are “beyond baggage”, but so much of our character is formed in our family home that to ignore its contribution would be negligent.

This premarital counseling question is a conversation starter for discussing the past: how have you each benefited from your past? How have you been hurt, and have you sought to address emotional pain in any way?

Identifying and talking through these kinds of topics requires a level of emotional awareness and intelligence, and in many cases, we are ignorant as to our actual blind spots. The good news is that marriage is a great way to shine a light on those blind spots, and so having had this initial conversation will be a launchpad for future similar ones.

What are our views on finances?

No premarital counseling questions list could exclude that all-important topic: money! It is sad but true to say that the battle with finances and how to handle them is one of the biggest causes of fights and conflict in marriage. How we spend our money is a good indicator of our true values.

Spend time talking about how you each manage your finances, drilling down a little deeper to get to the heart of what you each believe about earning, saving, and spending money. Then sit down and make a financial plan. Look at your income and your expenses and how you might need to make adjustments so that you’re not going into marriage on a deficit.

Then go through the details: Will you have separate bank accounts or a joint one? Who will pay the bills? Will you have credit cards? Do either of you have any debt that you’re bringing into the marriage? What are some of the things you’d like to save toward? And, importantly, how will you handle disagreements about how money should be spent?

What are our views on sex and intimacy?

This can be a tricky topic to discuss as a premarital counseling question, but important to get out in the open. Sex is an important building block of marriage, and how it is incorporated into marriage goes way beyond the physical. Ask each other how you view sex and what kind of expectations and/or baggage you are bringing into the marriage.

How often do you envision having sex, and how will you address any issues in this area? Being able to communicate openly and honestly about sexual desires will lay the foundation for a healthy sexual relationship. These are important topics that will affect the quality of your marriage, and so it is vital to be able to get a sense of how your future spouse views each of them.

If you are a Christian, the most important aspect of your marriage will be your faith. If you are marrying a believer, then you can rest assured that you will be on the same page spiritually, and will enter into marriage with a shared understanding of how God views marriage.

If you are considering marriage with a non-believer, this is a good time to assess whether this key difference is worth being a “make or break” factor. The Bible certainly does see it as such, urging believers to not be unequally yoked. Premarital counseling is a valuable part of making a decision that honors God and will have a long-term, if not eternal, consequence.