Calling Out Manipulative Tendencies in Ourselves

Every meaningful season of growth and change begins with self-reflection and taking accountability for our actions. We might not be aware of it, but many of us have manipulative tendencies, be it flattery or bending the truth. It might be deeply uncomfortable to examine ourselves. However, if we want to have healthy relationships in any context, we must begin to be aware of the subtle things we might be doing that are manipulative.

The Reason People Become Manipulative

It can take a long time for someone to realize that they are being manipulated. Similarly, it takes courage, self-reflection, and honesty to admit to being manipulative. There is always something behind our more extreme behaviors. It might help to peel back the layers and consider why we started being manipulative in the first place.

Manipulation takes various forms, and people manipulate others for a variety of reasons. Most manipulate others to avoid taking responsibility or to control someone’s feelings or thoughts. By concealing some truth or presenting information in a certain way, a person can take control of the situation. They can direct the narrative in a way that benefits them.

For example, a child might put on a “cutesy act” when they are caught out in wrongdoing. This endears them to their parents, and they might avoid punishment or accountability for their actions. This simplistic form of manipulation is common from early childhood and proves how simple and effective manipulation can be. Manipulative tendencies often develop in early childhood and become an ingrained part of our lives as adults.

Manipulation is a tool that is used in almost every context, from parenting to romantic relationships, marriages, and even the workplace. The person doing the manipulation is the one who retains some power over the one they are manipulating. They might not realize they are doing so, but in many cases, they are subtly controlling, fully aware of what they are doing.

Six Examples of Manipulative Tendencies

When a person has been manipulative since childhood, it has likely become their norm. As such, they might not even register that certain tactics and tendencies are manipulative. The art of manipulation is to be so subtle that others cannot detect when they are being manipulated or controlled. Here are some ways that you might be manipulating others:

Playing the Victim to Avoid Taking Responsibility

People who always seem to be blameless or above reproach are often manipulators. Everyone messes up from time to time, and being called out on a behavior or acknowledging a mistake is how we learn and grow.

If we cannot accept blame in a situation or admit to where we’ve gone wrong, we are possibly trying to manipulate others to see us as perfect or innocent, even when we know we are not. This kind of manipulation sometimes sounds like deflection, where we say things like, “I only did this because of what you did to me.” This type of blame-shifting behavior is manipulative.

Using Flattery

Sincere compliments are a wonderful communication tool in a healthy relationship. However, excessive flattery can be insincere and manipulative. It’s entirely natural to crave approval and influence others to see the good in us, but it can become a trap. Some people are skilled in giving feedback that sounds genuine even when it is not. We use this kind of communication only so that others may see us in a better light, but it is dishonest and unhealthy.

Exploiting Others’ Weaknesses

When we bring up a person’s past failures or mistakes in an argument, we are being manipulative and hoping that we will “win” the argument. If we have to consistently come out on top of every confrontation, we inevitably have to use manipulation tactics. We might even go as far as to exploit another person’s fears or insecurities in a fight. This is obviously toxic behavior, and we must acknowledge that if we are to break out of the habit.

Changing the Narrative

Sentences like “I never said that” or “That’s not what I meant” are often indicators that we are changing the story so that we appear blameless. It is lying in the hopes of avoiding accountability, but it is also manipulating the person to see a better side of yourself, even an untrue one.

It’s like trying to sell a piece of furniture online and editing out or obscuring the damages and stains so that we get the best price. Our attempts to avoid accountability and obscure the truth often only result in more conflict in the future because the truth always comes out.

Using Guilt

This is perhaps the oldest trick in the manipulator’s handbook and is used by parents, spouses, coworkers, and best friends alike. “If you really cared for me, you would ___” is an example of something we say when we are trying to guilt-trip someone into seeing things our way or doing what we want. We know that we are making them feel terrible by saying it, and that gives an added stab of satisfaction. It is toxic and deplorable.

Using Confusion to Gain or Maintain Control

Some of us are skilled in the art of mixed signals and misunderstandings. When a friend questions us why we flaked out of plans, we might say, “Oh, I thought you said you wanted to meet for lunch, not breakfast,” even when we knew the exact plans. This kind of confusion is a smoke screen for us to avoid taking responsibility. It is a gaslighting tactic to cause them to take the blame due to confusion. It is a toxic manipulation tactic and must be confronted.

Calling Out Manipulative Tendencies in Ourselves

If we are called out for being manipulative and our first response is to say, “I didn’t know I was doing that,” that might be further proof of our manipulative tendencies. Some things in our lives may not be our fault, but they are our responsibility to fix.

We might have learned our tactics from having been manipulated by a parent or partner. Our manipulative tendencies might have developed as survival tactics in childhood, winning us affection and positive attention where we lacked love. Whatever the source or reason for us being manipulative, we owe it to ourselves and our relationships to become honest in our communication.

We manipulate because it serves us. Manipulation helps us appear blameless, clueless, caring, dedicated, or simply better than someone else. However, all of these virtues are fake. Similar to the filters people use in the videos or photographs they post to social media, manipulation causes others to see an edited version of us, always at our best.

It is only when we can look at ourselves without the filters and flattering lighting that we can see what needs to be done. This is also a process that God calls us to in our pursuit of becoming more like Him. Like 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We destroy arguments, and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ” (ESV).

It takes more work, vulnerability, and courage to address our shortcomings, but the more we can confront our sinful nature and the skewed desires of our hearts, the more we can surrender these struggles to Christ and put our selfish desires to death. but we can improve to the point that all we need to show is our true selves.

We can confide in someone we trust, someone who knows us well. We can give them permission to identify problematic behavior in us and listen to them without becoming defensive. When we have arguments, confrontations, or fights, we can review them with this person and hear what they have to say about our actions. Keep some record of the progress you make, be it as a journal, blog, or some other creative project.

Next Steps

All of us have work to do to become the healthiest version of ourselves. A lot of the journey is uncomfortable and requires us to show our weaknesses, flaws, and failures to those to whom we are closest. It is only as we take responsibility for ourselves that we begin to heal.

Whether you have a confidant or not, it is always a good idea to enlist the help of a neutral third party when you are doing self-work. They can provide a helpful soundboard for your concerns and reflect what you have shared, all in a non-biased way. If this is a path you would like to take, contact our offices today for more information. We have counselors who would be willing to walk that journey of self-reflection and self-improvement with you.