5 Benefits of Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is not a commonly used term, but it can bring positives out of a less-than-desirable situation. When you think about someone who is grieving, you may think about a person who has experienced the loss of a spouse, a child, or a marriage that has ended in divorce. All of these are reasons to grieve. However, some of that grieving can be done, in the appropriate circumstances, before the loss takes place.

What is anticipatory grief?

Feeling and processing the emotions of grief before a loss happens is called anticipatory grief. It is typically used to describe a caregiver or family member of someone who has a terminal diagnosis. However, grieving a loss before it takes place can happen in a variety of contexts.

Some reasons anticipatory grief may occur include:

• Thinking about the future absence of a child who is about to leave for college.
• Recognizing a loss of career, even if the career change is by choice.
• Reflecting upon an upcoming move away from friends and family.
• Grieving the loss of experiences that a patient may not get to have because of a diagnosis, such as a breast cancer patient, a juvenile with a seizure disorder, or someone who has a pending surgery that could be life-changing.

While anticipatory grief may be challenging for those around the person grieving, its healing benefits can be tremendous if the grieving person is well supported. That’s why friends and family members mustn’t dismiss a person’s emotions or downplay what they’re going through. This part of their grieving process can produce positive fruit after the loss occurs.

Benefits of Anticipatory Grief

Premeditated grief for a caregiver or family member of someone with a terminal illness can bring restoration to broken relationships

If someone in your life is nearing death, it can make forgiveness and pathways toward it more approachable. Not only does the person who is grieving the pending loss understand the time-sensitive nature of the relationship, but the person with the diagnosis is also in a reflective posture.

When someone knows they are likely to die soon, they are usually more open to making amends, repairing relationship rifts, and finding peace with those they’ve held animosity for in the past. Caregivers, too, understand the frailty of life in a more vivid sense because they’re watching a loved one process the pending death emotionally and, often, physically.

Anticipatory grief may help a parent let go of control in areas where they’ve typically tried to retain it

When a parent reflects on their choices in raising children, it’s easy to look back and see both mistakes and positives. However, looking ahead to a child who is moving for further study or a job transfer can give a parent pause to sift through what’s truly important to savor about the relationship they have with their adult child.

Recognizing what is in their control and what isn’t is often the first layer of letting go. Repairing where they’ve caused trauma for their child can also take place, especially if a parent walks through anticipatory grief with a counselor.

Learning to reflect and look forward can become a positive experience. When parents have a trained mental health provider who can anticipate their needs and offer suggestions as they prepare for their child’s new season, it can be helpful. Whether their child is already an adult and is moving to take on a new career role or they’re entering adulthood, the process of letting go and trusting one’s child to navigate life is a daunting one for many parents.

However, doing some of the emotional work necessary before the child moves can lead to a more productive relationship with the adult child later on and pave the way for better communication. It can also help a parent remember that their identity isn’t in their child.

Exploring who they are as a parent and what their purpose is before their child’s transition can net positive returns. It can offer a new realization about how they’re wired, what they love, and how God is calling them to walk into their future.

Anticipating what you may not experience as a person with special medical needs can help you cherish the beauty in your present-day circumstances

Parents of special needs children tend to undergo anticipatory grief when their child is diagnosed. If they envisioned their child driving and living on their own, for example, but the diagnosis calls these life experiences into question, pre-grieving these expectations can provide a more holistic perspective of their child.

Looking at their child through a new lens, parents can often see what they might have otherwise missed: their child’s propensity to notice the smallest blessings, a desire to bring joy to those around them that isn’t dependent on a circumstance, and provision where they may not have recognized it before.

An unexpected diagnosis gives you a sharper view of what’s important and results in emotional clarity

Just as the parent of a special needs child can anticipate some of the circumstances they may have to grieve for their child, anyone who anticipates going through a life-altering surgery or diagnosis may go through similar emotional swings.

Not only does an unexpected diagnosis help you lay aside what’s insignificant, it also helps bring emotional clarity. Emotional clarity is when you understand what’s beyond the basic emotion to what’s beneath it, and you can feel it, process it, and recognize a healthy way to move forward with the emotions, not covering them up.

An example is someone who has been through cancer. They may know that their sadness isn’t just feeling blue, but it is recognizing that disappointment is the source of their sadness, and learn how to proceed.

In this example, the cancer patient who has processed anticipatory grief may acknowledge that their disappointment is in the life events they’ll have to skip as they undergo treatment, the recognition that others’ lives will not undergo such a setback in time, and they may even notice who is walking alongside them and who isn’t.

Understanding who is capable of walking through grief with you can encourage you that you’re not alone in the journey.

Navigating new seasons may be easier if you’ve recognized what you are losing or missing out on as you move from one season to the next

Anticipatory grief isn’t always a positive experience. In fact, some research suggests that when grieving the death of a loved one, anticipatory grief can act as an emotional block that keeps a person stuck until their loved one passes away  –  when the real grieving begins.

However, this isn’t always the case. For anyone grieving a transition – such as a move or a career change – anticipatory grief can help you reflect on what your needs are as you move from one season to the next. For example, if you know your company is being sold and you’ve got six months to find a new job, it may help you to grieve the things you loved about your time with the company.

Knowing that your love of collaboration, ideation, and creative freedom were essentials to your enjoyment of your job can propel you toward a new position that has the same benefits. You might also recognize (as you think about moving forward) an unhealthy pattern toward pleasing people, a toxic work environment with unhealthy co-workers, or other downsides to your current role.

Next Steps

These realizations can be a springboard for what to talk about with a counselor as you reflect on what’s next. Making sure you have the right person, trained and equipped to guide you in this new phase, can be the difference between languishing and getting stuck in grief and thriving in an unfamiliar context.

Seek out a counselor who can guide you through the anticipatory grieving process at one of our offices.

Finally, consider anticipatory grief as something to watch for in your own life and in the lives of those you love. If you’re prepared and understand how to recognize it, you can better process the natural ebbs and flows that come with transition, change, endings, and new beginnings.