6 Ways Parents Can Help Children Process Grief After Divorce and Remarriage

It is not surprising that children have a difficult time when a family breaks up – whether amicably or not. Even if they don’t show it right away, they often go through the stages of grief that one goes through after the death of a loved one when faced with divorce and remarriage.

Even if it’s been months and everything seems fine, or you have moved forward and are building a relationship with another person, your children may need additional attention beyond what you thought they would or might need. Even after you’ve gone through the hardship of divorce, you’ve met someone new, and you are remarried, remnants of grief may still arise.

Here are six ways to help children cope with grief after divorce and remarriage.

Allow your child to feel how he feels when he feels it

Of course, you want your child to be happy; every healthy parent does; but if you stifle or try to move your child’s feelings forward sooner rather than later, it can backfire.

Normal grief and anger can turn to long-held resentment and bitterness, rage, and relational destruction if you try to push your child too soon. Remember that your child’s grief process may differ significantly from yours, and that’s okay.

Research how children process grief and inner healing over divorce and remarriage

If you read a children’s book about a character who is grieving, it can give you a perspective on childhood grief that you might not get from a medical journal. Medical and mental health professionals are great resources to help you understand unhealthy grief. It’s also good to look at grief from a child’s perspective.

Children often see themselves as the cause of adverse circumstances. As adults, we know this isn’t true. However, taking the time to understand the way your child may view loss, divorce, or even remarriage is essential.

Check out books from the library about childhood grief, divorce, and stepfamilies. These can provide insight into how your child may view their situation.

Check-in with your child regularly, but keep expectations minimal and realistic

Childhood grief may start strong, and it may even be unpredictable. You’d expect a child to have trouble accepting a divorce or adjusting to life without one of their parents in the household.

If that grief seems to ebb and flow and come out at odd times, that’s pretty normal too. Ask your child how he or she feels regularly. Pay attention to non-verbal cues such as if they still like the same hobbies, enjoy time with friends, or talk about what interests them around the dinner table.

If some of these patterns aren’t consistent or seem missing over a long period, it could be a good opportunity to meet with an adolescent or child psychologist.

Pay attention to the interactions in your household during divorce and remarriage

Knowing what’s normal for your child in the new marriage is tricky. After all, remarriage is likely new to both of you.

Paying attention to the interactions between your spouse and your child, between your child and his or her siblings – whether step-siblings or not – can give you information that helps you help your child.

If your child increasingly withdraws from family members, even siblings he or she already had, it may be cause for concern. If your child finds it uncomfortable to be around new step-siblings or your spouse, that’s something to take note of and try to listen to your child about.

Ask open-ended questions if your child is struggling in the new household. A few questions may include:

• What do you find difficult right now?
• Who can you talk to?
• Where do you want to be?
• How is our new system for household rules or guidelines working/not working for you?
• What are the things you miss most about before?
• What do you need from me right now?.

Asking questions like these equips you to know where to turn for help.

Help your child see that grief and joy can co-exist

Children and teens tend to see the world around them as either all or nothing. Helping your child learn that life comes with good and bad, negative and positive, grief and triumph, is important. It sets them up for realistic expectations about their own emotions, too.

When you ask open-ended questions and some of the answers are positive but some are negative, that’s a great time to point out that it’s normal to feel grief and joy interchangeably.

Permitting children to be who they are right now, dealing with whatever they need to, helps them see that not every emotion or thought will last forever. Not all situations are all bad, nor are they all good. This can provide hope to your child that he or she will be okay.

Also, let your child know it’s normal to want the old life back. If he or she longs to be with your ex, and you’ve made arrangements for visitation rights and child custody agreements, talk about this with your child positively. Encourage your child to continue building their relationship with your ex-husband or ex-wife.

Speaking well of your ex goes a long way to helping your child see that, no matter what, you are both for your child. That’s the common ground you have. And if your divorce settlement was messy or you have an ex who isn’t willing to participate in child-rearing amicably, try to remain positive when talking to your child.

Give them hope that things can change, yes, but that you also have good things in life right now, right where you are. Gratitude for what is good while still acknowledging what isn’t can help you and your child’s relationship to flourish. Knowing that you’re there for them is what grieving children need most.

Prepare your child for a family visit to a trusted counselor

If you and your new spouse are on the same page with the idea, seeing a trained, certified counselor can be a healthy response to divorce and remarriage. However, if your child doesn’t want to go, it’s normal.

Forcing your child to do something he or she doesn’t want to do is not the best way to smooth family relationships. Talking to your child about why you want to go together to some family counseling sessions could make the process easier.

You can approach the conversation with the reasons you and your spouse think it’s essential to go. Maybe it’s to help all of you talk about what to expect in the new family systems. Or perhaps you tell your child that you want to learn how to be a better parent now that you’re remarried, so it’s helpful if they are there for just a few sessions.

Another way to prepare your child for family counseling is to make a deal that you’ll only go for three or four sessions and then re-evaluate together. You can also talk about seeing a counselor as a family first, and then if your child does not want to continue, that’s okay. You might choose to continue either by yourself or with your new spouse.

Explain what your child will encounter at a family therapy session. Call one of our offices, and we can walk you through the initial appointment and what to expect. This can give you some details to share with your child.

Ask your friends who have gone through a divorce if they went to family counseling. This can be another marker to your child that going to counseling is not taboo and does not mean something is wrong. It normalizes counseling and paints a healthy portrait of how to cope with the change that comes with grief.

If your remarriage has been a source of stress on your child, your child’s relationships with siblings, or on you and your spouse’s relationship, seek help. Even if you and your spouse just go to counseling to help you envision the best way forward, it’s a healthy step.

Looking ahead with hope means acknowledging and accepting where you’ve been, recognizing where you are, and being willing to receive tools for an enjoyable future. One of the counselors in our offices will walk with you as you navigate the new normal. Reach out today.