Green Flags in a Relationship

Finding something to enjoy, even if it is just one thing, is better than having hundreds of things you should avoid. That goes for most things in life, and it certainly applies to relationships. We talk a lot in our culture about red flags – things to watch out for – in a potential relationship. There are so many they cannot all be listed or named.

Those red flags are helpful to know, there is no doubt about that. However, it is also worthwhile to look out for green flags, which are signs of good relational health. Sometimes you can be so focused on the things to look out for that you are primed for avoidance and danger.

There should also be a place in the conversation for recognizing green flags in a relationship. Instead of focusing on what to avoid exclusively, you can also give attention to what you desire in a relationship, and recognize it when you find it.

Why a focus on green flags may be overdue

The way bank tellers are trained to distinguish between real money and fake money is to expose them to the genuine article. By becoming familiar with what genuine money looks like, what it feels like in the hand, encountering anything less than that will be immediately obvious.

In the same way, focusing instead on green flags can help a person to become more aware of themselves and what they want from a relationship. Yes, it is good to know the many ways that a relationship can go wrong, but it is equally helpful to know the early signs of a great relationship. Paying attention to what the genuine article is, to what you want out of a relationship, can also help you in sifting through your potential relationships.

Another reason for focusing on relationship green flags is that it can also motivate you to cultivate your positive qualities. There is a sense in which focusing on the negative qualities of others can become counterproductive because it does not challenge us to address our own toxic behaviors. Jeremiah 17:9 (NASB) says, “The heart is more deceitful than all else, and is desperately sick; who can understand it?”

Ever since our first parents, men and women have had a complicated relationship marked by love, hate, exploitation, manipulation, blaming one another, and so much more. It can be soothing to talk about how toxic others are without addressing one’s own issues.

Change and repentance need to happen in all of our hearts; perhaps over different things; but repentance still needs to happen, because more often than not, we each struggle to love our neighbor as ourselves. Giving some focus to green flags can help you by making you focus on the good qualities of others, and those you see in yourself or should cultivate in yourself.

Knowing what good qualities you want and can appreciate in your relationships is an important shift. It helps you to recognize what a healthy relationship looks like so that you can be open to those kinds of situations, and it can also hold you accountable for any unhealthy behaviors in yourself that can compromise a relationship.

Some green flags to look for in a relationship

If red is the color that tells us to be wary, to stay away from something, then we see green as the color that says everything is okay and it is safe to proceed. A green flag in a relationship is a sign that the person you are interested in will likely approach the relationship in a mature, healthy, and life-giving way. A significant number of green flags indicate that this may be a person you should pursue further.

Some of the green flags that you can look out for include the following:

They are emotionally intelligent

A mature person should have the capacity to go deep, and they should understand how people’s emotions function. Not only does a person who is a green flag feel comfortable talking about their own feelings, but they can engage meaningfully with the feelings of others. You can have difficult conversations about the relationship, and they are not afraid to apologize.

They listen well

In day-to-day communication, the ability to listen effectively is often overlooked as an aspect of good communication. Quality, empathetic listening gives space for self-expression and clarifying questions. Excellent listening gets rid of distractions. Body language and non-verbal communication should indicate that you are being paid attention. A good listener makes you feel heard, and that is valuable in any relationship.

They are open and vulnerable

Dating can often fall trap to emotional playing. Both men and women can manipulate and try to gain an advantage over one another. A green flag is when a person can be open and vulnerable. They can be open about how they feel about you, and they are willing to let you into their world. They can take the risk of rejection by not keeping their cards close to their chest.

They are empathetic

Empathy is being able to understand and relate to another person’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Being empathetic does not mean abandoning boundaries, or feeling the way the other person does. An empathetic person understands their own emotions and those of others; they can share them with others and respond proactively and avoid hurting another person.

They are emotionally available

They nurture the relationship, make plans, take an interest in you and your life, and they can own their feelings for you. They show that they are emotionally invested in the relationship, and they desire its success.

They are accountable, and they keep you accountable

None of us are perfect. This is a healthy perspective if you want to avoid disappointment in relationships; failure should be a willingness for accountability. Being accountable to your values and boundaries is important. Also, the other person should hold themselves to a standard. If you do this for one another, it makes for a worthwhile relationship.

They are godly

If you are a believer in Jesus, you should be expecting your potential partner is pursue their relationship with the Lord, too. You should see consistent kindness.

Engaging in the body of Christ ought to be a priority for them; do they emphasize the importance of faith community or are they attending church simply because you are inviting them? They should be pursuing holiness, wanting to be more Christlike, and striving to live faith authentically.

You are comfortable with the pace of the relationship

A relationship can go too fast, just as it can progress too slowly. If the relationship is progressing at a pace that allows you to process what is going on and what you are feeling, that is a good thing. A green flag is when you have the space to experience the relationship without feeling like you have to match the other person’s feelings.

They know what they want

It’s good to know what you’re in the relationship for, whether it’s meant to be serious or casual. That allows you to have clarity about your relationship, and it opens up room to talk openly about where you are in your relationship.

They have long-lasting relationships

A person with friendships and other relationships that have lasted for years is the sort of person with good relationship skills and stability in their life. If they do not have stable relationships, you need to ask why you think your relationship with them will be any different.

You find them easy to be around

Some relationships are simply hard work. You feel tired after spending time with certain people because it takes so much energy. A green flag is when you feel lighter after having spent time with someone. You are eager to spend time with them, and after you have spent time with them you are eager to do it again.

They give you space to be you

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being loved and appreciated for the person you are. Finding someone who loves you, understands you, and appreciates you is a gift.

They have a life of their own

Having healthy boundaries and many other healthy relationships is important. It is also important to have personal hobbies and to pursue growth outside of your relationship. Without these, it is possible to slip into codependency and rely solely on each other for happiness.

Looking out for green flags is helpful as you pursue relationships. You also need to work on yourself so that you can be a green flag for a relationship. If you have any red flags in your own life that you would like to work on, please reach out to us and we can connect you with a counselor who can guide you on your journey toward healthy relationships.