How Do I Know if I’m in a Toxic Marriage?

Marriage is hard. Marriage is two people coming together to make a life with different mindsets. When you are in a marriage where there is no trust or equal support you could be caught in a toxic marriage. Toxic couples don’t always recognize that the relationship is unhealthy. Sometimes one person may realize it, but be unable to change the dynamics of the relationship.

…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, being diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3, NASB

What does a toxic couple look like?

You may be wondering what it means to be toxic. Is it more than just disagreeing with each other? How do I know if I am in a toxic relationship? There are classic signs that you are in a toxic marriage.

A healthy marriage will have mutual support, emotional encouragement, spiritual leadership, and a high level of commitment. When your spouse is your best friend and you know you can trust them to help you navigate life, you know your marriage is healthy.

We all have days where we are just tired and a bit irritable. This doesn’t make us toxic. It makes us human. But when we are in a constant state of irritability or suspicions, we are toxic. Just because you can appear to have it all together in public doesn’t mean you aren’t in a toxic marriage. Understanding what toxic means will help you identify whether you are in a toxic marriage.

Major signs of a toxic marriage

 

You always feel attacked or belittled

Your spouse always finds a way to make you feel like you are insignificant. Regardless of what you say or do, your spouse will become upset that you don’t know what they mean.

You’re constantly expected to give an account of where you were

No matter how long you are gone your spouse wants you to tell them where you have been. They may become angry when you don’t answer their text messages quickly.

There is no support for your success. Your spouse doesn’t want to see you succeed more than they do. When you do succeed, they are not encouraging or supportive.

They exhibit controlling or jealous behaviors

When you are not always with them, they may become angry. They may falsely accuse you of infidelity because you aren’t by their side. Your spouse may even make sure that you do everything together.

Your self-esteem is disregarded

When your spouse is always ridiculing you about your appearance it can be a problem. Trying to get you to feel bad about your clothes, hair, or what you do will cause you to doubt yourself.

You experience sarcastic and cruel comments as normal conversation

When you and your spouse cannot have a conversation with pleasant and respectful words it will begin to tear down the relationship.

Your spouse always brings up situations from the past

Holding a grudge is toxic and is detrimental to any intimacy in a relationship.

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love all the days of your futile life which He has given you under the sun, all the days of your futility; for this is your reward in life and in your work which you have labored under the sun. – Ecclesiastes 9:9, NASB

What causes a toxic marriage?

The causes of toxic couples can be linked to a variety of circumstances. Most causes of toxic relationships come from one or both people experiencing fears or traumas in childhood. Regardless of whether they intend to be toxic, some people are prone to behaviors because they were never taught what a healthy relationship looks like. The absence of security, trust, commitment, and friendship makes way for toxic couples to remain unhealthy.

Abusive home life and unhealthy coping

One leading cause of behaviors in toxic couples is being raised in an abusive home. Because of the abuse, they grew up not knowing what it meant to have healthy behavior. These types of homes can also create feelings of shame and guilt.

Abusive behavior in the home can cause life-long effects for children. When these children grow up, they exhibit these same behaviors because they don’t know what a healthy home life is supposed to be.

Another cause of toxic behaviors is related to childhood trauma and abandonment. If a person experiences the loss of a loved one no matter what the cause, they may suffer from abandonment issues. This in turn would be manifested as needing to know where you are at all times and a need for constant reassurance.

Most toxic behaviors result from the inability to react to emotions healthily. Going from one relationship to the next is a sign of the inability to cope with emotions. Not understanding how to process grief can also cause people to have unhealthy coping skills. Each of these behaviors results in toxic relationship behaviors such as needing to feel loved by treating their spouse badly.

How do we fix a toxic relationship?

To change a toxic relationship into a healthy one, both parties must be willing to take an inventory of themselves and their behavior. Each person needs to be accountable for their behavior and understand why they need to change it. Along with that, each person must also be willing to understand that everyone has dysfunctional behaviors at times. No one is perfect.

It is also a good idea to understand what healthy boundaries mean in your marriage. Knowing how to set a boundary in a marriage depends on how much you are willing to give and take. Decide as a couple whether you are willing to change the dynamic. Learning to communicate these boundaries can help your marriage move away from toxic behavior.

Another key factor in creating a healthy relationship is to let the past stay in the past. There is no reason to rehash anything that has been done. It will only create more hostility and defensive behaviors. If you need to address an event that caused pain and distance, then you should only refer to that incident. There is no reason to refer to everything that caused an argument.

What if we can’t fix our marriage?

It takes both people to decide to fix a toxic marriage. There has to be a mutual agreement between both people to make changes. Since most toxic couples consist of two people who have issues it’s best to communicate what they think may be going on. There must be a willingness from both sides to accept their responsibility in the situation. However, that may not be how both parties decide to remedy the situation.

While God does not agree with divorce, He also doesn’t agree with mistreating your spouse. In the book of Ephesians Jesus tells us what we need to know about keeping a faithful marriage. Should you find that you and your spouse could be facing divorce, examine the possibility of marriage counseling with a Christian counselor near you.

Wives, subject yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. – Ephesians 5:22-27, NASB

The best option

When it comes to creating a healthy relationship between toxic couples, the best place to start is therapy. Finding a Christian counselor in your area will provide a safe place to be open with your spouse. When you are in a neutral area you are more likely to discuss the hard things. Christian counselors can also help with identifying what underlying issues are causing all the toxic behaviors.

Along with good therapy, surround yourself with a good group of people who can be your support system. You can also seek support groups for specific issues such as substance abuse or grief.