How to Adjust as a Blended Family

Congratulations! You are excited to marry the one God blessed you with after what felt like a failed attempt in the past. You both have had previous relationships or marriages, but now the two of you are together. You have a second chance for a happily-ever-after.

But as much as you love each other, you are concerned about your new blended family. You have a child from your first marriage, and your spouse has children from a previous relationship. How do you adjust as a blended family without the drama?

Introduction to the blended family

What constitutes a blended family? A blended family is when two people marry and combine their children from previous marriages or relationships into the same household.

For example, a woman with a twelve-year-old child from a previous relationship marries a divorced man with three children ages five to fifteen. Although this new family is instant, it will take time for the couple to adjust to their roles as stepparents and for the children to learn to accept a new sibling(s).

These families tend to have more children than traditional families. If the couple has been married to others multiple times, they may have even more children to bring into the family. For example, if the man was married three times previously, fathered four children, and now marries a woman who has been married twice and then widowed with three children, the family has suddenly boomed to nine people.

Whether a family consists of two children or fifteen, preparing your family members for the change helps to address any problems before they arise. You will want to increase the time you spend with your own children before the marriage. After the wedding, ensure that the time you spend with your children is special. You will want to focus on one-on-one time with each of the children in your home as you bond and build a relationship.

Problems blended families face

Those of us who grew up in television land tend to think of The Brady Bunch as the perfect blended family. If only we could have a family like that, we lament to ourselves. We forget that the Brady’s were a fictitious family. Any drama was neatly dealt with and tied up by the end of the episode. Growing and nurturing a blended family is far more complicated, yet rewarding as long as we prepare for the issues that arise.

Anger, resentment, or hurt from divorce

 

Divorce rips a family apart. Even if divorce was the solution to protecting the spouse and children from abuse, dissolving the family unit is difficult for everyone involved, especially children. Children caught in the middle may hold onto feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment. If one parent had custody, the child may feel hurt and betrayed if they believe the other parent did not want them.

Children can bring these feelings into the blended family. They might believe that the new stepparent was the cause of the divorce. It is easy to assume that your child will eventually grow out of this, but it is best to address these issues now. Reassure your child that the divorce was not their fault. You may need to explain your reasons depending on the age and maturity of your child.

If your child begins lashing out at others with angry outbursts, cruel behavior, or violent acts, reach out to a counselor today. They may simply need an outlet for their frustration, and counseling can help relieve the burden.

Sharing a parent with others

Children also can feel as if a stranger is taking all of their parent’s attention away from them. Children who are the byproduct of divorce or have always been raised by a single parent may feel a close bond with the parent. However, a blended family forces the child to share their parent’s attention, time – and in their minds – love.

Not only must they share a parent, but the child is expected to obey the stepparent. Even for children who have known the stepparent for several years, this may be challenging for them to accept that this person now has authority over them.

Laying ground rules and expectations early in the marriage can help to negate these feelings. Consider spending time with your children so they know your relationship with them has not and will not change.

Forcing the stepparent/stepchild relationship

New stepparents may find themselves overcompensating and pushing the relationship in their rush to be accepted as a parent. Unlike in the movies or television, the stepparent/stepchild relationship must grow and build trust, which does not happen overnight. It takes work and is often one-sided for a long time as children grow and mature.

Be open to your stepchildren and treat them the same as you do your biological children. Starting out, you may feel guilty for not feeling the same deep love for them as you do your own children. This is normal, and eventually, you will. Be patient. Your stepchildren will probably not feel the same adoration for you as they do their parents, but if given enough time, the relationship will bloom. Choose love, kindness, and respect in dealing with your blended family.

New sibling rivalry

Your child may not only be jealous of your relationship with your new spouse but your relationship with the new children in your life. Children thrown together and forced to live as siblings with differing personalities and backgrounds might have a tough time coping with the new living situation.

Rivalry can be a factor in drama and controversy in your home. The first step you will want to take is sitting the children down together and discussing their concerns and worries and how you will handle schedules and discipline. These are pinch points that you and your spouse should discuss as soon as possible to ensure you are both on the same page where your blended family is concerned.

Issues with the other biological parent

Sometimes the controversy is not with the blended family living inside your home but with your spouse’s ex. In some instances, the other parent may not like you and criticize you in front of the children, causing problems between you and your stepchildren.

Depending on the relationship between your spouse and their ex, they may be able to speak with the other parent about co-parenting and what is best for the children as the adults work together as a team. Family counseling is another option to try to make co-parenting and visitations easier.

When one spouse chooses sides

In a traditional marriage where two people meet and fall in love and then marry, they have some time alone before they begin a family and have children. These new parents have a history together and stand by each other. They know that they must work together to raise their family.

However, in a blended family, the children have been the parent’s focus. It becomes complicated when an argument ensues between your new spouse and your child. You must ask yourself if you are taking sides. Are you standing by your spouse or are you defensive?

Does your spouse always side with their child against you? Even if you feel your spouse is correct, you may feel as if you are betraying your child by agreeing with someone else. These are issues that can cause a rift in any marriage. Consider speaking to a family counselor about ways to handle these situations.

Making your blended family work

Sometimes no matter how well you prepare for a blended family, the reality is much more complicated. If this is the case with your family, call our office. We can schedule an appointment for you with a Christian counselor specializing in marriage and family counseling. We have the same goal as you: to provide a loving and peaceful home with a strong foundation between husband and wife while raising godly children. Contact our office today.