How to Recognize Signs of Abandonment Issues and What to Do

“Abandonment issues” are patterns of behavior that people who fear being rejected or abandoned exhibit when forming relationships and interacting with others. Though they are a type of anxiety disorder, they are not regarded as an official mental health condition or diagnosis per se. The signs of abandonment issues can be many and varied.

Abandonment issues can develop at any stage of life, but the biggest contributors are early childhood traumatic experiences such as being physically or emotionally neglected by a mother or primary caregiver, abuse, or the loss of a parent through death or divorce.

Adult attachment styles resulting from abandonment issues

An attachment style is the way you form relationships and connect with others. It is shaped during early childhood by the experiences and interactions you had with the primary caregiver you depended on to meet your needs.

When these needs are not met, you are unable to form a secure bond. You come to believe that you’re not worth being loved and that anyone you love might reject or abandon you at any time. As an adult, the coping mechanisms you develop to deal with this fear usually manifest in one of three ways.

Avoidant attachment style

People with an avoidant attachment style typically had a primary caregiver who was inattentive or unavailable. They grow up believing they cannot depend on others to provide love or support and struggle with closeness and intimacy.

They want to have an intimate relationship but are afraid of letting anyone get close to them. Often, they seek to remain independent to avoid the risk of getting hurt and may be perceived by others as distant, private, or withdrawn.

Anxious attachment style

People with an anxious attachment style typically received inconsistent nurturing from their primary caregiver and were never certain how he or she would respond to their needs.

They crave physical proximity and emotional closeness and tend to rush into intense codependent relationships. Always fearful of being abandoned, they tend to be people pleasers, clingy, and seek constant validation and reassurance that they are loved.

Disorganized attachment style

People with a disorganized attachment style typically had a primary caregiver who behaved in contradictory ways, causing them to feel anxious and confused as to what to expect. As adults, they too respond to others inconsistently and tend to lack empathy. They have mixed feelings and may exhibit features of either or both avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

Signs of abandonment issues in adults

Getting too close too soon

You yearn to be loved and accepted and tend to latch on to a new friend or prospective romantic partner, trying to get too close too soon out of fear of losing them if you don’t act fast. In the case of friends, you want to do things together and be with them all the time or act as though you are already partners with a romantic interest even though you are not a couple yet. This can scare the other person off and push him or her away.

You are willing to say yes to anything, even if it’s not in your own best interests, just to keep the relationship from ending. If it does end, you quickly jump into another one without giving yourself time to heal.

Staying in a toxic or abusive relationship

You enter and stay in unhealthy relationships even if you feel neglected, taken for granted, ignored, or abused because your fear of being alone is stronger than your desire to leave. You willingly sacrifice your own needs to please your partner for fear that if you don’t, he or she will find someone else who will.

Being attracted to people who are unavailable

You are afraid of getting emotionally close to another person and try to protect yourself from being hurt by becoming involved with unavailable people. It feels safer to engage in a relationship that focuses on physical satisfaction rather than one that involves emotional intimacy and commitment.

Low self-esteem

You don’t think you are good enough for anyone to love you and require constant validation and reassurance. This can feel suffocating to the other person and push him or her away, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces your fear of being betrayed, rejected, or abandoned. When a relationship ends, you blame yourself and wonder what you did wrong.

Trust issues

Your belief that everyone you like or love is eventually going to leave you makes it hard for you to trust or rely on friends or romantic partners. You tend to be jealous and always on your guard, fearful that you are being cheated on even when there are no grounds for it. This constant suspicion and inability to trust erodes the basis of the relationship.

Sabotaging relationships

Although you yearn to have a close relationship, you are afraid of allowing yourself to be vulnerable or making a commitment because you don’t feel worthy of being loved. When you do have a friend or romantic partner who really cares for you and even bends over backward to try and demonstrate it, you have trouble believing it is genuine and are reluctant to reciprocate his or her affections.

Convinced he or she will end up leaving you, you hold back, look for excuses not to become involved, and try to protect yourself from getting hurt by sabotaging the relationship and doing things to push him or her away before he or she has a chance to reject or abandon you first so you can end it on your terms rather than be surprised by the anticipated loss down the road.

Seven steps to take to overcome signs of abandonment issues

Acknowledge your feelings

Try to put a label on the way you are feeling and become aware of what is causing it. Reflect on the types of thoughts your fears bring up in your mind.

Determine your attachment style

Think back over your life and try to determine what past or childhood experiences have led to how you feel and how they have affected your view of yourself and others. Reflect on what your defense mechanisms and triggers are, and how you typically respond when triggered.

Journal

Journaling your thoughts and feelings is a healthy way to vent. It can help you become more aware of your feelings and what triggers them, as well as enable you to identify patterns of behavior. Writing down positive things and small victories can also help increase your confidence and self-esteem.

Create an action plan

Identify and create a list of new, more appropriate, and realistic responses you can substitute for your current maladaptive behavior patterns and use it to make a step-by-step action plan for changing the way you typically respond to triggers. Work on one at a time and check it off as you go along.

Learn how to express yourself effectively

Learn how to be open and honest and to voice your emotional needs to your partner in a healthy way, using “I” statements.

Practice self-care

Learn to care for yourself rather than look to others to fulfill your needs. Eat well, do some form of regular exercise, get enough sleep, engage in a hobby or activities you enjoy, and join a group or become a volunteer to help diminish feelings of loneliness.

Consider counseling

A trained mental health professional can help you uncover and understand what’s at the core of your abandonment issues, put things in their proper perspective, help you unlearn the dysfunctional behaviors you have used to cope, and equip you with healthier ways of managing your anxieties in the future.

If you feel you need more help than what this article on signs of abandonment issues could provide and would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please give us a call.