Love Story or a Porn Film? A Christian Counselor’s Thoughts on Relationships

Sex is everywhere: The magazine rack at the grocery store; clothing catalogs; billboards; television and of course, the Internet, to name just a few. It’s nearly impossible to go through one’s day in the United States without seeing a sexually charged image. Our culture is awash with sex. Sex sells. And whether we claim to like it or not, we seem to buy a lot of it, because it keeps selling.

But what about love? Does love sell? Not really. Many of us enjoy a good love story, but it is really sex that sells, rather than the emotion, wonder and incredibly satisfying joy of love. And in this we can see an important point about the difference between sex and love.

Sex is the Scene, Love is the Movie

What do I mean by this? If someone were to make a movie about two people in love, the movie would include many hundreds of other scenes that weren’t about sex, irrespective of how much sex they had. The scenes might include one partner helping the other with a task, telling a joke, tending to the other’s sickness, making dinner, arguing, apologizing, and so on. In other words, as powerful and engaging as sex can be, it is never more than an expression of love. In this sense, sex is always subordinate to love.

We can certainly have relationships that are more akin to a porn film than a love story. But just because there is sex, doesn’t mean there is love. Love is something much greater than sex alone.

Hate & Love

“What’s he talking about?” you may have just hollered at your computer screen, “Hate isn’t part of love!” But actually, it can be, for the more we love, the greater potential we have to grieve the loss of that love. The ability to hate is part of the effect on us of choosing to love. The deeper my love for my wife grows, the greater my hatred for anyone who abuses his wife. The greater my love for God, the deeper my passion of hate for those who use God’s name for violence and destruction. The greater my love for children, the more I despise those who misuse their relationships with children. There is a direct correlation between our ability to love and our ability to hate.

Yes, people can have “hate sex” – aggressive sex in the wake of an argument that may still be unresolved. But that is very different to a love so deep that it cultivates within us an ability to hate that which is opposed to, or inhibiting of, that love. In this sense, hatred is really more of a reflection of our capacity to love, which is not  what “hate sex” reflects at all.

Ultimately, the relationship between hate and love highlights the depths to which love can take us. This is something that sex cannot do. Sexual pleasure can be ecstatic, but only with the addition of unconditional and surrendering love does sexual pleasure become more than simply a physical feeling. No matter how good your sex, without love infusing it, the pleasure falls short of its potential.

Christian Counseling Can Help Your Relationship Become a Love Story

Wherever you are in your relationship, if you need help steering it down a road of deeper love, consider contacting a Christian counselor today. Tacoma Christian Counseling has many trained specialists who can help you guide the development of your relationship into the deeper waters of love and bonded relationship.