Moving on From a Toxic Friendship

Many people don’t consider toxic friendships traumatic, but they can be. Your toxic friendship doesn’t have to be fraught with physical abuse or criminal activity to take its toll on your emotions and leave scars on your heart.

If you’ve been through a toxic friendship, you know that it can be difficult to move on even in the aftermath of the relationship. It can be difficult to open your heart to another person, and it can be difficult to even know where to start to build a new, healthy friendship.

Healing

Healing from the traumatic relationship should be the first step in developing new, healthier ones. You don’t want to take the unforgiveness and other baggage from the past with you into your new relationships. To truly heal, you need to forgive, even if your former friend has never apologized or sought restitution or even taken responsibility for the things that damaged you.

The beauty of forgiveness is that it can be one-sided. You don’t have to wait for them to realize their fault or misstep for you to forgive them because forgiveness is as much for your benefit as it is for theirs. When you don’t forgive others’ trespasses, you’re denying the goodness of God, living in disobedience, and dwelling on the past.

Not sure how to forgive? It can be tricky to forgive others, especially when they show no signs of remorse. But that’s where God steps in. He can give you the love in your heart that spans the gap of their cavalier attitude.

Seek forgiveness from God

While forgiving the other person in your past relationship is an important part of the healing process, so is seeking forgiveness from God for your part in the failed friendship. Many people struggle with feelings of guilt or inadequacy after leaving a toxic relationship.

Whether you ignored the red flags, didn’t speak up for yourself, or even contributed to the toxic nature of the relationship, trying to punish yourself for your failings is inappropriate. It is God’s place to punish or forgive, and God’s forgiveness is wide enough to cover your regret, silence, and misplaced loyalty. So, while you’re offering forgiveness and grace to others, don’t forget to go to God and seek it for yourself.

Letting People In

Even though you may have forgiven your former friend, it doesn’t mean that you are automatically ready to let other people into your life. Just like any trauma, the emotional wounds may have healed, but sometimes scars remain.

You may worry that if you allow others into your life, they will end up being every bit as toxic as those you have removed. You may be cautious about opening up your heart and intimate thoughts to someone again, for fear that they will be misused.

You may have another difficult friendship in your life. People, every last one of us, are fallible, broken, and sinful. So, when we try to intertwine our lives with other people who are also fallible, broken, and sinful, it’s no wonder that conflict arises. But not all conflict is toxic, and you have to remember that imperfect people can have a positive impact on your life with the right boundaries in place and much grace.

Remember, you are not the same person you were when you were in that toxic relationship. You’ve grown. You know the warning signs of toxicity and the need for boundaries. You know that even though it was tough, you got through some pretty sticky situations.

And you know that God loves you. He loved you through the entire scary, frustrating, and humiliating breakup, and He loves you now, and He will love you right through any future struggles or obstacles. God can help you get over your issues of mistrust and your fear of intimacy so you can be open to letting people into your life.

Be the kind of friend you want to attract

So, how do you find new, healthy friends? That old saying, “To get a friend, you have to be a friend,” is true. If you want to have a healthy, loyal, and life-giving friendship, start becoming the kind of person you would want to have in your corner.

That means being honest with people, being dependable, and showing up for them when they need it. If you want a friend who will guard your reputation and listen without judgment, you have to model that behavior to others.

This isn’t the “law of attraction” where the energy you put out to the universe is what you’ll attract back. That principle is unbiblical and replaces faith in God with faith in self, putting the universe (rather than its Creator) in the position of authority and power. That being said, the concept of living out the characteristics you want to see in others is biblical.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” In other words, who you surround yourself with matters because it is who you become.

When you grow in wisdom, kindness, humility, and integrity, you will naturally draw people who value these same traits. When you start to “walk with the wise,” you will realize that you don’t have to settle for toxic patterns or surface-level connections that have made up some of your past relationships.

Therapy

If you have been through a toxic friendship and want to let people into your heart, but just don’t know how, consider seeking professional help through a Christian therapist. Sometimes the wounds from unhealthy relationships are complex and layered. Healing takes time, and seeing a Christian therapist can be beneficial.

A Christian counselor can offer a safe, confidential space for you to unpack your experiences, confront painful memories, and begin to heal. They’ll help you explore how past relationships may still be shaping your present and work with you to identify patterns of fear, mistrust, or insecurity that keep you from forming healing new connections.

Trusting God with New Relationships

When you’re ready to open your heart once again to a new relationship, know that you don’t have to go into the unknown blind and alone. Psalm 37:23 (NASB) says, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way.” If God can guide your career, your calling, and your personal growth, He can guide you in your relationships, too.

Pray for wisdom before connecting deeply with someone new. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you direction, and be intentional in developing your new relationship. Take time to get to know the new people in your life and pause before you jump into a deeply connected relationship.

Observing people from a distance, taking time to get to know them and their true character, and waiting for direction from the Holy Spirit can help you to choose the right types of people to invite into your life.

You’re not alone in this

While losing a friendship can feel like loneliness, you’re not alone. Even if your friend group sides with your ex-bestie or you no longer feel comfortable in your social circle, you are not alone. If you’re coming out of a toxic friendship, it’s natural to feel guarded, uncertain, or even afraid. But don’t believe the lie that this is where your story ends. Through loving therapy and with God’s help, you can heal and grow and love again.