Parenting Depressed Teens

If you’re looking for tips and advice on parenting depressed teens, this article is for you.

It’s been said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus in their psychological differences and styles of communication. Sometimes it can be as accurate to say the same of teens and parents; the gap between a teen and their parents can feel like the width of a galaxy. The sweet, communicative child can turn into a brooding, distant stranger in a few short years. It often feels impossible to know what they’re going through.

For the parent or caregiver, this decade can leave us feeling hurt, confused, and even insecure in our parenting skills. Our attempts to close gaps and bridge the distance are often met with resistant anger or walls of silence. These walls and boundaries can keep us separated from our teens and often treat us as aggressors trying to steal their peace of mind.

Though we were teens once, too, our children face many issues that we didn’t face at their age. It is estimated that twenty percent of all teenagers face depression before adulthood, and as many as thirty percent have seriously considered suicide. What can we, as parents of depressed teens, do to help, and what even causes teen depression?

Teen Depression: Where Does It Begin?

It’s important to note from the start that there are different types of depression and various causes of it. Symptoms of depression are low energy, a lack of focus, headaches, physical pain in the joints, a lack of enthusiasm or joy in life, and a total lack of interest in the outside world.

The scientific explanation is that during depression, our body struggles to produce chemicals like serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Without these chemicals, our mood, outlook, and mental energy are affected and may become dangerously low.

Teens and adolescents go through a decade or so of change, some of it physical and obvious, some of it internal and unseen. The physical and emotional changes they experience, combined with environmental stressors from school and social life, can mean that our teens veer wildly from one emotion to the next for years on end. Depression can be a natural part of the teenage experience, but sometimes it overwhelms them to the point of despair.

As we observe our teens and adolescents, it can be hard to know how deep the issues go. For example, a mopey, disinterested teen may simply feel that way because they’re physically exhausted from their schedule, and possibly engaging in too many sports or social activities. On the other hand, the sullenness and silence could point to something deeper, that they are not communicating.

Research shows that the most common sources of depression in teens are social status among peers, performance pressure at school, instability at home, sexual orientation struggles, and, most commonly of all, loneliness.

Looking Deeper

Teens are in pursuit of identity and value more than any other age group. A big part of this is peer acceptance. Looking cool is not something vain and shallow. Instead, visibility and peer acceptance can mean the difference between a wonderful high school experience that boosts confidence or a miserable one that creates serious psychological harm.

The experiences we have in high school can affect us for decades and can even impact our later careers, friendships, and romantic relationships.

Global studies show that twenty-five percent of all teens aged between fifteen and eighteen admit to feeling lonely or fairly lonely all of the time. Part of this is because people feel safer when they are surrounded by others who agree with them. Even though most teens want to be seen as unique, they are often ostracized and rejected when they are different.

Teens could be different in terms of ideals and values, or they could be different in terms of preferences and abilities. For example, the teen with different political ideals from the majority of the class, or the individual who has no natural sporting ability, is often treated as an outsider or a misfit. Teen loneliness leads to feelings of hopelessness, inferiority, abandonment trauma, and in the worst cases, suicide.

Am I the problem?

Environmental stressors not only take place at school, but in many cases, they begin at home. As parents, we often place expectations on our teens that are too heavy or large for them to live up to. Sometimes our love language communicates something unintentional to our children.

If we are in the habit of praising them for their achievements but remaining tight-lipped or disapproving of their failures, they will learn that they are only seen, valued, and loved when they achieve something. This pressure to meet expectations can either lead to hopelessness or rebellion.

Teens communicate their feelings through verbal and nonverbal actions. This means that almost every extreme thing a teen does is meant to be seen as a statement. The company they keep, the things they do (or refuse to do), and the way they present themselves can all be seen as them communicating with the outside world, mostly to authority figures.

The teen who is disconnected, withdrawn, disinterested, and rebellious is likely communicating that they feel unhappy, unseen, and undervalued. They are unsure how anything will change in their favor.

How to Help Depressed Teens

Often, we can tell that our depressed teens are struggling, but we don’t know how to bridge that gap to help them. We might have tried to approach our teen child in the past, only to have our heads bitten off. The wounded teenager will lash out, and even if it is not personal, it still hurts. Of course, we might have to face the reality that sometimes it is personal. Parents mess up, too.

This is a good place to start. Teenagers are in the stage of life where they are learning to challenge authority and boundaries, particularly reacting against insincere or hypocritical leadership. Before we attempt to help our teen or mend our relationship with them, we might have to acknowledge where we have made mistakes.

Perhaps we were one of those parents who placed expectations on our children that were too heavy for them to live up to. Perhaps we were too strict or communicated family values in a way that steamrolled our teens’ sense of self-worth.

Of course, if we suspect or know that our teen is depressed because of something we, as parents, have done (or failed to do), we might begin the conversation by asking our teen about it. Sitting them down and saying, “I care about you, and I feel I might have hurt you in some way. Can you tell me if I have, and what I did?”

This takes humility and patience, and those are two things a teenager with deep emotional issues might need a lot of. They also need a space free of judgment and opinions if they are going to open up and feel safe.

It might take practice and a few more mistakes if we are to get to the core issues that our teens are facing. Depression is often linked to a variety of other issues, and it can be a bit like untangling a web of knots until our teens are free. It is never too late to begin trying to help.

Neutral Third Parties

Teens value their privacy, and it’s not uncommon for them to shut their parents out while they try to deal with serious issues. The benefit of a counselor is that they are a neutral third party that your teen could open up to, in an environment that is safe and confidential. Doing talk therapy with a professional who is empathetic and insightful could be the vital next step for depressed teens. Contact our office today, and we will find someone that your teen can connect with.