Parenting Teens: Building a Healthy Relationship with your Tween or Teen

Watching my tween mature has been a process unlike any other. Her journey to adulthood has been marked by joy, bewilderment, amazement, and concern. The extensive use of technology and social media have added a new dimension of engagement and responsibility. As a parent, I feel compelled to prepare my daughter to successfully navigate this process by maintaining healthy boundaries. In this article, I outline some challenges faced in parenting teens and provide suggestions for how you can maintain positive contact with your child during this time.

The Onset of Puberty

Like all things related to tweens, the words “puberty” and “adolescence” typically set off my thoughts, but also lead to a deep sigh of resignation. As a mother, I have to negotiate menstruation, moodiness, and the frequent sound of stomping feet – the latter often heard after sharing the word “no.” For other parents, these words evoke dis-ease and fear of the unknown as they struggle to understand the resultant impacts in the life of their tween or teen. Even the most seasoned parents may find themselves facing new and unchartered waters as they confront a whole new set of parenting issues.

Puberty denotes sexual maturity. For girls this occurs between the ages of 10 and 14, while for boys it occurs between the ages of 12 and 16, with boys and girls experiencing this process differently. But adolescence involves a much broader process, which can be focused on rapid changes in five core life areas.

Five Areas of Change during Adolescence

Physical – Puberty brings physical growth, the development of secondary sexual characteristics, and reproductive capability. Boys experience the deepening of their voice and the growth of facial and body hair, while girls experience the onset of menstruation, the development of their breasts, and other physical changes.

Psychological – This involves the development of autonomy, an independent identity, and one’s own value system. Tweens and teens evaluate where they fit into the world, define their friendships, and solidify their personal value system. They generally seek to spend more time with their friends and less time with their parents.

Cognitive – Adolescence involves moving from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. Parents may hear a lot more “I don’t know” responses, as the tween or teen focuses more on controlling their thoughts and ideas.

Emotional – Adolescence brings moodiness, and a shift from self-centeredness to empathy in one’s relationships.

Social – Tweens and teens experience peer group influences and the formation of intimate relationships. They are also faced with having to make decisions about their future vocations.

How to Help Your Teen Navigate Puberty

Children thrive (yes, this does include those finicky tweens) in environments with clear, consistent boundaries and loving, trusted adults who are available to help them navigate life. But what happens when our children face these critical moments at this stage of life and we as parents are ill-equipped to help them? It becomes of paramount importance for the parent to find simple yet effective ways to re-engage with their tween or teen and to focus specifically on relationship-building strategies.

Often when I share this with parents they ask: “But how do I do this when my kiddo barely wants to talk to me, let alone spend any time with me?” Here are several strategies to help you get on the road to effectively engaging with your child and putting in place the building blocks that are needed to create and maintain a healthy relationship.

1. Spend quality time with your child. This can be frequent, brief periods of uninterrupted time (30 seconds to 3 minutes). Engaging in activities that your tween or teen enjoys can be a powerful tool to helping them realize that they can have positive parental attention. Being emotionally available communicates to the tween or teen that you care.
2. Show affection to your child. Giving positive physical contact (holding, touching, cuddling, kissing, tickling, or hugging) and affection is an important way to communicate positive regard. It builds trust and helps your teen to learn about appropriate intimacy for adulthood. Exposing your tween to a broad range of ways to show affection helps to strengthen your connection with one another.
3. Listen to your child. When you are with your tween or teen, ask the a few open-ended questions and allow time for their answers. Learn to be okay with the long pauses of silence that may occur after you ask a question. Seek to allow your tween or teen to drive the conversation in whatever direction they desire. Just be present and open, and suspend any judgment-making. Often tweens and teens expect their parents to rush to judgement, which makes them hesitant to openly share their thoughts, feelings, and desires. Just allow them space and time to talk – this goes miles towards building a health relationship.

Christian Counseling for Parenting Teens

If you are looking for ways to better connect with your tween or teen, or if you find that there is on-going conflict, consider Christian counseling. I am a Christian counselor who is also a Parenting Educator and I would welcome the opportunity to help you learn the skills and tools needed to effectively connect with your kids.