Recognizing and Nurturing Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

All healthy relationships are based on a secure attachment. This foundation is developed in our early childhood. A loving and safe environment has set the tone for our adult relationships. The most common characteristics are love, trust, respect, and affection. Nurturing secure attachment in adults involves understanding how it is developed and learning to manage a healthy attachment.

Secure attachment can affect our relationships. A positive secure attachment can cultivate a successful relationship. When a husband and wife become intentional in their role within their marriage, they can cultivate a strong and supportive relationship.

Through communication, trust, and vulnerability a couple can develop a successful relationship that will grow. This healthy mindset and balanced perspective will create a strong connection allowing the couple to work through the struggles.

…with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love – Ephesians 4:2, ESV

Recognize and nurture

Understanding what secure attachment is and its characteristics can create a stronger relationship. Learning to identify the patterns can help you cultivate positive behaviors that will influence your relationship in a healthy manner.

Intimacy and independence

Recognize: There is a balance between time spent together and time spent pursuing individual hobbies and work. When a couple consists of two individuals who have a comfortable balance between intimacy and independence, they will cultivate a stable and healthy relationship.

Nurture: Be sure the time spent together is quality time. Create enjoyable routines in the everyday schedule and develop meaningful traditions. Allow space for each other to enjoy alone time that will help cultivate a healthy mindset.

Confidence

Recognize: Each person needs to know their self-worth and deserves to know the feeling of being loved. Understanding self-worth can also have an impact in the workplace.

Nurture: Take time to be supportive as the other person meets milestones at work. Be encouraging and celebrate the successes in personal pursuits of better health.

Healthy boundaries

Recognize: Boundaries are healthy for both people. Setting healthy boundaries will foster respect and encourage a deeper intimacy.

Nurture: Understanding each other’s feelings and desires to have space. Be accepting of the boundaries that have been communicated in a manner that reflects trust.

Communication

Recognize: One of the vital ingredients in any healthy relationship is communication. The couple with a secure attachment will be able to communicate effectively and calmly resolve conflicts.

Nurture: Express feelings and concerns openly while actively listening to them. Speak in a manner that reflects love and understanding.

Emotion management

Recognize: Emotions are part of who we are as people. People with secure attachments will be able to regulate their emotions in a manner that is appropriate for the situation.

Nurture: Allow each individual to manage their emotions in a way that is healthy for them. Be willing to discuss the situations and how each other is feeling.

Trustworthy and reliable

Recognize: Individuals who have developed a secure attachment will be reliable in times of need. They can be trusted to follow through with their intentions. A secure person is trustworthy when it comes to being honest about abilities and limitations.

Nurture: Be consistent and avoid dishonest behaviors or breaking promises. Use actions that will demonstrate your reliability.

Emotionally available

Recognize: An individual who has a secure attachment will also be emotionally available to their spouse. They are responsive to each other’s emotional needs, and they are comfortable expressing their feelings. This is also noted in social settings with others outside of the relationship.

Nurture: Create a safe space for expressing emotions and allow vulnerability.

Effective parenting

Recognize

Securely attached individuals tend to be more responsive to the needs of their children and they can empathize with the child. Children who are parented by secure individuals will grow to understand self-worth, emotional well-being, and emotional regulation. They will also foster social skills needed for healthy relationships with peers.

Nurture: Share the responsibility of parenting and understand that each person has a connection to the child(ren).

Developing a secure attachment

It is possible to develop a secure attachment style in a relationship. To do so, both individuals should be intentional about understanding what secure attachment is in regards to a relationship.

Mindfulness and self-compassion

When both individuals practice self-compassion and mindfulness about who they are they can become aware of thoughts and emotions and improve their chances to develop a secure attachment. This takes a kind and understanding attitude toward self and each other to build self-esteem and encourage self-awareness in the other person.

Healthy communication skills

Developing a healthy manner of communicating will build trust and develop intimacy. Through active listening, each person can communicate openly and honestly to effectively develop a healthy relationship.

Building trust

Individuals who desire to build a more secure attachment style in their relationship need to take gradual steps to build trust. This means each person will have to exercise being vulnerable and trustworthy at the same time.

Surrounded by positive people

Keeping the relationship surrounded by supportive and reliable people can produce a positive outcome toward a secure relationship. This means there will have to be friends or family who can be trusted with the overall well-being of this couple.

Self-reflection

When each individual takes time to reflect upon themselves and what strategies they need to learn the relationship can develop into a secure attachment. This will mean that each of them makes purposeful decisions to create a healthier relationship.

Counseling and coaching

Two effective ways to help individuals create a positive and secure attachment in a relationship are counseling and coaching. By choosing to participate in cognitive behavioral therapy, each person can gain insight into self and how to develop skills that will encourage secure attachment in relationships.

Common challenges that affect maintaining a secure attachment

Even though the relationship is based on a secure attachment style there are times when that can be challenged. Maintaining a healthy relationship means that sometimes people face challenges and make changes.

Negative relationship patterns

When unhealthy or toxic behaviors are introduced into a relationship they can create problems. This can come from outside influences such as friends and family.

Unresolved childhood trauma

Even though a person has developed secure attachments, if they have had unresolved childhood trauma, it can lead to difficulty in trusting. This can affect a healthy relationship.

Absence of positive role models

Not having positive role models can make it difficult to maintain a secure attachment in a relationship. It is important to be exposed to individuals who model positive, trusting, and encouraging relationships.

Fear of being open

Keeping feelings and concerns hidden from each other can disrupt the positivity of a secure relationship. Being emotionally withdrawn typically affects intimacy and the development of trust.

High-stress environments

Being continually exposed to high levels of stress can undermine the positivity of a secure attachment relationship. Financial burdens, changes in housing, or the death of a loved one can cause high stress which can strain any relationship. It is vital to practice emotional regulation to help overcome this type of stress.

Mental health issues

When individuals struggle with anxiety or depression it can affect relationships. It is important to get proper help for mental health issues to maintain a healthy and secure relationship.

Next steps

Secure attachment in relationships for adults has many benefits. To maintain a healthy secure attachment it is important to recognize and nurture the patterns and behaviors of secure attachment types.

Knowing what characteristics to develop is important in nurturing each person in the relationship. It is possible to create secure attachments through positive and purposeful actions and intentions. For more information on secure attachment types in adult relationships contact us today. We can schedule your first appointment with one of the Christian counselors at our location.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. If they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to look him up! – Ecclesiates 4:9-10, ESV