Restoring Relationships: Navigating Interpersonal Conflict

Relationships are the places where we intersect our most intense joy with our most profound sorrow. The nature of being human makes us vulnerable. We weren’t created to live without community, so it can be a blessing to receive the good that God wants to give through others.

Relationships allow us to meet others where they need it. In many ways, relationships bring rewards and opportunities for satisfying connections that deepen our purpose and develop our character.

When interpersonal conflict surfaces.

However, there are times when our relationships produce fresh pain or even reveal existing wounds. Many times, we aren’t aware of the sleeping giants of our underlying issues until we experience conflict.

Even among our closest connections, when our vulnerability is met with disregard or disappointment, recovery from relational trauma seems impossible. We may feel the sting of hurt, anger, and sadness that accompany feelings of betrayal.

For all our emotional investment and enthusiasm for building connections with another human, whether friend or family, unresolved conflict can spur difficulty and destroy the interpersonal connections intended to bless our lives.

When interpersonal conflict surfaces, it demands that we consider what is and isn’t working internally. We also need to take some time to assess our relationships to notice patterns that may have been present longer than we may realize. This doesn’t often happen outside of a precipitating event, or an incident that jolts us awake to the potential of trouble.

Although it may seem difficult to navigate a conflict we don’t understand and don’t have words to explain, we can remove some of the initial burdens by remembering that the Lord Himself was prophesied to be a Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6). We may need an intervention, the kind that requires Jesus and therapy, so we can embrace a plan to heal and move forward.

As Creator, God has welcomed us not only into the family of humanity. We are alike in that all have sinned and need a Savior (Romans 3:23-24). When we acknowledge that and accept Jesus’ sacrifice, we are united by a shared faith.

As the One Lord and Father of all, He has extended the invitation to live as a Kingdom family (Ephesians 4:6). That doesn’t eliminate that we may have differences that threaten to divide and conquer us, but it is the Holy Spirit, who works through us in a relationship, to release and to receive God’s love that redeems and restores.

Faulty coping mechanisms in interpersonal conflict.

When interpersonal conflict occurs, it’s common for us to use faulty coping mechanisms like the ones described below.

Denial.

Although we encounter pain in relationships, we don’t have to run from it. Ignoring our issues does not serve us. Denying our pain can intensify and multiply it. If we try to suppress it, it will re-present in other, though undesirable areas of our lives. We cannot outrun ourselves and we will live out whatever degree of healing we have allowed the love of Christ to meet within.

Deflection.

We pretend the pain isn’t present, and sometimes deflect a focus from what we need to work out with God, onto others, usually those closest to us. Whether we blame, criticize, or judge, we mask our feelings of vulnerability to shield our hearts.

Instead of experiencing the transparency that authentic connection brings, we use hurtful words and instead harm those we love. It may seem easier to gloss over our pain and rivet our attention on fixing others while covering our own human faults and flaws. That can stoke resentment in our friends and family when we refuse to acknowledge where we are and instead allow pride to inflate our perception, causing division in our intimate connections.

Diminishing pain.

While we may not be denying our pain or deflecting it in our relationships with others, we may be suffering another way. We sometimes diminish our pain by failing to acknowledge the depth of what we have experienced. Many times, when we don’t communicate with our loved ones and offer some context to help them understand our perspectives, we minimize the degree of our pain.

It doesn’t mean that every conflict we encounter will demand an extended explanation of our history; but when we do share some of our backstories, we allow for the intimacy that helps us to receive what we need in our connections.

Processing pain in interpersonal conflict.

No matter where we are in life, we need to realize and remember that hurt is part of the healing process. It requires that we work through existing and old issues to peel the layers underneath the surface, uncovering what still lingers.

Until we do, we will continue to see through a distorted lens. This will affect our relationships by straining or supporting them. Investing in a healing journey will help us to proactively build before facing a crisis and reinforce where we need to repair.

Prayer.

Prayer is an important step to help us regroup when we encounter internal hurt that shows up as an external conflict. Prayer invokes God’s help to minister peace and power. It re-centers us, anchoring our focus on the source of our faith.

While God already knows our needs, our active communication with Him surrenders our situation and reshapes our hearts to align with His. The Holy Spirit resets our perspective to recognize Him as a source of strength to build up our weakness and bind up our wounds.

Perspective.

The Holy Spirit will give us wisdom as we inquire and seek His direction. He is faithful to help our weaknesses, walking us through the most daunting challenges that target our most valued connections.

Sometimes, we may find that we need to take time and space to gather perspective and give our hearts room to process our pain, not only in prayer, but also in the stillness that we find in journaling, intentional stillness, and meditating on Scripture.

That doesn’t mean that we are abandoning our connections with loved ones, but sometimes the wisest investment in our relationships is embracing the gift of perspective. Time away from constant interactions can offer space to process fresh or alternate viewpoints as we welcome the Holy Spirit to guide our course.

Proactive communication.

Through our times of prayer and gathering perspective, the Lord will meet us with the grace needed and a practical prescription to fulfill His plans and purpose for our relationships. As we move forward, we will need to engage with our loved ones in communication. We don’t have to be afraid of targeting problems and disturbing patterns in our interactions.

While we cannot focus solely on the negative, we also need to embrace proactive approaches to invest in the relationships that should give back to us in meaningful ways. Committing to our communication will help us to cultivate our relationship, but also to grow and mature in it.

Restoring relationships.

Our relationships can provide some of the richest opportunities for us to grow, not only as individuals, but also in community with family, friends, and even those who share our faith. Relationships can be awkward, as our humanity can often feel like it hinders meaningful connection. However, God created us to experience good things with Him and with others.

Our imperfect nature can be a place for us to foster connection and encounter the grace of God in fresh ways. That doesn’t mean that we will avoid conflict, even with those who are close to our hearts, but we can embrace the full range of experiences that will help us build and become all that God desires.

Enlisting the support of a trained counselor can be an important first step to navigating and nurturing connections. Search this site; select and schedule an appointment with a professional to support you with effective strategies for healthy relationships. God created relationships to mutually bless and benefit us and those we love. He is committed to being our Restorer, meeting us in the ways that only He can heal and help.