The Surprising Connection Between Codependency and Narcissism in Relationships

Have you ever heard the phrase “A match made in heaven”? Often, it’s used to describe a combination of things that fits together so seamlessly and works so well and to great effect that it almost seems otherworldly. It could be referring to a business partnership, or a romantic relationship, or it could be referring to something as mundane as movie popcorn and melted butter.

However, just as there are positive combinations of people or things, there are also negative ones. One such unhealthy match or combination is between a codependent person and a narcissistic one. When two people with these traits come together, the result is a toxic dance of give and take that is ultimately harmful to both.

Being able to discern both codependent and narcissistic traits in yourself or in a prospective (or current) partner is a good first step to breaking down an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Understanding codependency and narcissism

It’s possible to be blind to the fact that a relationship you desire or are in is unhealthy. This can happen for any number of reasons. For instance, a narcissistic personality doesn’t always come off negatively, and this itself can be a snare.

Among their other attractive and positive qualities and personality traits, a narcissistic personality can initially be attractive because they come off as charismatic and confident. These seemingly attractive qualities can influence a person to minimize or be blinded to the negative aspects of a narcissistic personality.

In the same way, at first glance, a codependent person can come across as being kind and selfless. This is on top of any other individual traits they may possess that are attractive. However, as things progress, it may become evident that they sacrifice themselves in ways that undermine their own well-being, and they may be controlling in their behaviors in addition to being resentful toward those whom they give so much.

It’s important to understand how the narcissistic-codependent dynamic works because it can be easy to overlook how the situation feeds into the excesses of both. While they may have other traits that attract them to each other, a couple that has narcissistic and codependent traits between them may also connect because of the mutual need to feel needed.

The codependent person wants to feel needed and so will tend to give of themselves continuously to their detriment, while the narcissistic person tends to take from others to feed their sense of self.

The word “narcissism” describes a personality trait that is characterized by a lack of empathy for others, an excessive sense of self-importance, and a constant need for the admiration and attention of others. It’s unsurprising, then, that a narcissistic individual will often be attracted to individuals who are willing to ignore or sacrifice their own needs, boundaries, and feelings to please others.

As complementary as the codependent and narcissistic personalities are, what often goes unnoticed is that these two personalities have a lot in common, especially because they both have an unhealthy sense of self. The differences that they bring to the table in the relationship can make that relationship unhealthy or toxic.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can also display codependent traits because they too relish attention and have an unhealthy reliance on others for their sense of self. The person with narcissistic traits often desires praise or admiration from others, and they may also fear abandonment by those they seek validation from.

Thus, the dance between the dysfunctional behaviors and beliefs of codependent and narcissistic individuals will often complement each other and result in a highly unhealthy and toxic relationship.

The negative consequences of codependent and narcissistic tendencies

Relationships bring people together, creating a dynamic that can either be described as healthy, or unhealthy. In a relationship between two people, with one having codependent traits, and the other narcissistic traits, the resulting dynamic will typically be unhealthy for both.

Both narcissism and codependency differ from other disorders because most of the traits inherent in them are acted upon, solicited, and drawn from others. Neither codependency nor narcissism are traits that manifest in isolation, but always in relationship with others.

A narcissistic partner in a relationship will treat their partner in ways that undermine the self-esteem and well-being of their partner. They may devalue their partner or others they are in relationships with due to their desire and need to feel superior to or more special than others.

The relationship will often be one-sided because they carry a sense of importance, and they want to be praised and admired but without offering others the same admiration. They are willing to continue taking from their partners without giving anything back in return.

In addition to the above, a narcissistic personality is willing to sacrifice others as a scapegoat to avoid responsibility for their actions. That means that they are ultimately unreliable, and you can’t trust them to have your back when it counts. Not only that, but when a narcissistic partner is confronted with something they’ve done, they can use tactics such as anger, deflecting, or projection to deflect blame and avoid being held accountable.

On the other hand, the codependent partner can give of themselves constantly so that they can please the other person. The source and result of this is a diminished sense of self, and the need to feel useful to others to feel valuable as a person.

This can result in a pattern of imbalance in the codependent person’s life, including their social life, work, emotional and mental health, and other aspects of their life. When you pour yourself into meeting the needs of another person, it means that you neglect your own life and needs.

Whether one’s codependent traits stem from parental abandonment and neglect or overbearing parental control in childhood, or whether it stems from difficulty facing criticism, consistently neglecting your own needs to meet the needs of another person is a recipe for poor mental and emotional health.

One needs to take time to meet one’s own needs, especially self-care, but attaching your sense of self to pleasing others will more often than not rob you of those opportunities to create space just for yourself and your well-being.

Moving beyond codependency and narcissism in a relationship

Is it possible for a relationship with a narcissistic-codependent dynamic to work and be healthy? It’s not a done deal that such a relationship can’t work, and if you find yourself in a relationship that has this dynamic, it can work if both partners do the work of moving beyond their unhealthy traits.

As a core truth that lies at the heart of both codependency and narcissism is that both codependents and narcissists lack a healthy sense of self, doing the work of self-reflection and undergoing therapy can initiate the process of healing and forming a healthy dynamic.

The difficulties that both individuals will have to overcome are tied directly to the traits that typify them. The individual with narcissistic traits will often have difficulty seeing self-reflection and introspection as an opportunity to heal from their behaviors which are problematic and that have harmed others. Rather, they may use it to modify their behavior temporarily, instead of making the necessary deep and lasting changes to help the relationship flourish.

The codependent person will need to recognize how their behaviors are unhealthy, and their need to have better boundaries. It can feel cruel and unloving to refuse to meet the needs of others, and having boundaries may thus feel unnatural to the codependent person.

For both the codependent and the narcissistic person, talk therapy can help them gain insight into their lack of maintaining healthy boundaries, and how to find their voice and sense of self without needing to rely on another person. Another person cannot sustain the weight of our sense of self, and we cannot become fully ourselves through the praises of others or through being needed by them.

With help from a Christian counselor, your relationship can move toward a healthy self-understanding that recognizes the limits of what we can do for others, and what we can rightly expect from them. Your counselor will help you understand the importance of boundaries, and how best to maintain them for your well-being.