Understanding and Healing from Emotional Neglect

It can be tempting to look at mental health issues as a brain problem because you can apply medicine and logic to solve a mental problem. Your emotional health is closely tied to your mental health. It is, however, highly subjective. Emotional health is not easily measured or quantified and it can be easily neglected.

What is emotional neglect?

Emotional neglect is the repeated pattern of ignoring, minimizing, or even repressing emotional needs. This begins in childhood if parents and caregivers say things like, “Suck it up.” or “Don’t be a crybaby.”

The child learns that their emotions, specifically the intense ones, are not welcome. They learn to suppress them. A more extreme reaction could be to act out to have their emotions responded to. Outbursts of anger, behavioral issues, as well as depression and anxiety may have roots in emotional neglect.

As adults, emotional neglect can occur in various relationships and in ourselves.

Your experience.

Somewhere along the way, you were emotionally neglected, so now you suppress your feelings about things. Thoughts that may occur for the emotionally neglected adult:

• “It doesn’t matter what I want.”
• “I’m probably overreacting.”
• “Why can’t I just stop feeling so angry/sad/scared?”
• “I should be over this by now!”

You may also feel unable to express what you want to other people. In your job, in your relationships, you set aside your desires and feelings because somewhere along the way you learned that what you felt was unwelcome.

The consequences of long-term emotional neglect lead to various issues. Because of emotional neglect, you don’t trust yourself, and you may struggle with trusting others. You may find that you are unable to process grief and stress in a healthy way.

You may have low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, or struggle with body image. The need for validation of physical well-being is closely tied to that of emotional well-being. All of this may be accompanied by physical or sexual abuse, but can also occur without other types of abuse. While you may be physically cared for and safe, your emotional well-being is of no concern to those you are in a relationship with.

How to identify emotional neglect.

Perfectionistic.

A person who has been emotionally neglected can be incredibly hard on themselves. Small mistakes can be devastating, and they hold themselves to impossibly high standards.

Poor boundaries.

Such a person often focuses on other people’s needs and is self-deprecating to the point of annoying the people around them. They may have unhealthy boundaries, always saying yes to and overburdening themselves with projects at work, in their kid’s schools, or with their church.

Won’t ask for help.

On top of poor boundaries, emotionally neglected people do not ask for help. They may be resentful of people not noticing how overwhelmed they are but are also afraid to ask for help. It may be tied to fear of rejection or shame for needing help.

Feelings of shame.

Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or disgrace. It is often associated with a sense of being unworthy or inadequate. Emotional neglect can tie feelings of shame to simple tasks. When a person has been emotionally neglected, they may tie their worth to their performance. If they cannot meet their standards, they feel ashamed.

Unable to regulate their emotions.

Regulated emotions are hard for someone who has experienced emotional neglect. They often are unable to identify their emotions on a small scale, which leads to suppression. Suppressed emotions are like a pressure cooker without a release valve. Sooner or later, something is going to explode.

Ways to cope with emotional neglect.

Examine your expectations.

Think about what you expect from yourself and consider if you expect the same from other people. Talking with a counselor can help you determine if the expectations you have are reasonable. It would also be good to examine your expectations of friends and partners. Are you expecting them to treat you with respect and compassion, or are you training them to treat you poorly?

Learn about your emotional needs.

It takes practice to identify your emotional needs when you are only accustomed to suppressing them. It might be helpful to keep a journal, or some other method of noticing how you feel. For instance, do you wish your partner would bring you chocolate once in a while? Have you ever told them, “Chocolate makes me happy, and it would mean a lot if you gave it to me” or something similar? When you are feeling sad, take time to ask yourself why you feel that, instead of just trying to not feel sad.

Identify the origins.

When did you learn that your emotions were unwelcome? Was it as a child or in a previous relationship? The habits you formed in such times may be easier to undo once you uncover the source of the issue.

Reevaluate your relationships.

In light of what you are learning about your emotional well-being, you might discover what relationships are healthy and which ones are not. You may have developed some codependency with friends or fellow employees. Or you may have kept people at a distance because of past hurt. Learning to trust people is part of the process of emotional healing.

Seek support.

As you learn to trust yourself and others you can build a team of people to support you. It can include, but is not limited to having a counselor. You may find that there are people who help you say no when you need to and others who will let you cry, verbally process, or just be present when you are struggling. It is also okay to ask for help when you are feeling overwhelmed by a task or situation. Don’t let resentment build up, instead ask for help.

Improve self-care.

Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally is the foundation of caring for others. You should not work yourself to the brink of a martyr complex.

Set boundaries.

When you uncover the source of your emotional neglect, you can practice setting boundaries. Discussing this with a counselor is helpful, as they may be able to provide options depending on the situation you find yourself in. Learning to say no, to leave when you want, and to ask for help are important boundaries.

Learn how to regulate your emotions.

After you identify your emotions, specifically the triggers, you can learn to regulate your emotions. From breathing exercises for managing anger or fear to asking for things that would make you feel good (hugs, words of affirmation, a nap), your emotions don’t need to be bottled away. It’s okay to want to cry, it’s okay to celebrate good things, and it’s okay to be angry. Regulating your emotions is about having the appropriate reaction rather than stuffing them away.

The counselor’s role.

If you are on a journey to understanding your emotional history, a counselor is an objective guide. Your counselor will provide a safe space to express and explore your emotions. You will be guided with compassion as you learn how you feel and how you want to feel.

Christian counseling also considers your spiritual health. You may have been told that your emotions are bad in some religious contexts. Yet we see Jesus display a range of human emotions and is not bad or sinful. Rather He shows us the way to feel our emotions and not sin.

Sadness

Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” – John 11:35-36, NIV

Love

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them. – Matthew 6:34, NIV

Anger

Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. “It is written,” he said to them, “‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a den of robbers.” – Matthew 21:12-13, NIV

Fear

And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. – Luke 22:44, NIV

Connect with a counselor.

You can find freedom from the consequences of emotional neglect in your life. Contact the office to connect with a Christian counselor who will help you overcome the effects of emotional neglect to live your life with more joy and freedom to feel.