How to Deal with Grief and Anger from Loss

The loss of a loved one is one of the most stressful things a person can experience. When your life is intimately connected to another person, losing that person means figuring out how to do life without them. It is not just the discomfort that comes from making these necessary life adjustments, but the loss of connection and a change in identity. It is a lot to try and cope with.

When you experience loss, it can affect you in many ways, and it can be entirely unpredictable how it will affect you from one day to the next. Grief, which is the process through which you begin to come to terms with the loss, can take you to strange and unfamiliar places, and you might experience intense emotions such as sadness or anger. Knowing how to deal with grief can help you begin rebuilding your life.

Grief – A Long Road Back to the Light

When a person experiences loss in any form, it can plunge them into turmoil. The things that may have seemed true just days or hours before now look as though they were merely tricks played by light, phantoms that fade like mist. Uncertainties, fears, regrets, sadness, relief, and other less tangible emotions and thoughts intrude into daily life and can become disruptive.

The process of grief can be a long and complex one. In many ways, grief never quite goes away. Many people who have experienced loss continue to feel that loss years and even decades later. Special occasions like graduations, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, hearing a snippet of music while grocery shopping, or encountering a particular scent can bring the memories flooding right back, making the loss feel fresh once again.

Though the process of grief is long, it is a necessary process that one must go through to make sense of their loss. Experiencing the thoughts and emotions that loss brings, coming to terms with what the loss means, and how it has affected you and changed your life is the best way to deal with grief. They are not easy to face, but avoiding them can lead to other kinds of issues, such as displaced anger or physical or mental health complications.

Loss can leave you in turmoil, scrambling for purchase as the relationships, places, or ideas that anchored you slip away. Grief is the long process through which you acknowledge what that loss means, and it can take time to fully unpack. Nonetheless, slowly but surely, as you grieve and permit yourself to grieve, you’ll find your way to the light.

Anger and the Grief Process

It has been stated that grief is a process that works in several stages. One way of describing this process and its various stages is the 5-stage model popularized in our culture. The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

There are other ways of describing these stages, and other models of grief that have seven stages. The Seven Stages for a more complicated grief model are: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope.

The main idea is that grief can look different at different stages. Grief does not progress linearly. It is not a straight line from denial to acceptance and being capable of attaining a new normal. Some people skip through certain stages, and there is no formula for how long you may remain in a given stage.

This means that grief will not look the same for everyone. One individual may even find that the way they respond to grief and loss in one situation will look different from how they respond to it in other situations. An individual can become stuck in dealing with anger as they grieve. This anger may be directed at themselves, the world, other loved ones, the object of their loss, at God, or at some other person that may somehow be connected to the loss.

For example, their anger may be projected toward the surgeon who operated on their loved one, or the other driver in a traffic collision. The anger may be focused or just be felt deeply without having a specific object.

Anger is a powerful emotion. It is an emotion that often helps us feel empowered at a time when we feel powerless. The feeling of anger alerts us to the fact that something important to us has been violated or negatively impacted. Loss, in whatever guise it comes, invades our personal space, leaving us feeling vulnerable. Anger can also function as a way to mask other emotions, such as fear, shame, or a sense of inadequacy.

A grieving person might feel trapped in anger for many reasons, including a deep sense of an injustice that was done, or as a response to feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances surrounding the loss. Fresh reminders of the loss might prompt further anger, particularly if time has not been taken to address these feelings and emotions.

How Grief and Anger from Loss Affect You

Grief is an experience that affects a person emotionally, mentally, physically, and socially. It can make you feel tired, distracted, restless, unable to sleep, or simply overwhelmed and eager to isolate from family, friends, or loved ones. It is not uncommon for a grieving person to seek isolation or to find social interactions with others too complicated, overwhelming, or exhausting during the grief process.

Anger, too, can be a physical as well as an emotional experience. When an individual feels angry, the emotion floods the body with adrenaline and cortisol. These are tied closely to your fight-or-flight response, meaning that your body reacts just as it would if you were facing a grave threat.

Unhealthy anger can negatively impact your body by making it susceptible and prone to illnesses due to a weakened immune system, or lead to other more serious issues like cardiovascular problems. Unhealthy anger from loss can also seep into everyday interactions.

A person who is experiencing anger through loss might be irritable with their loved ones and impact the individual’s daily functioning in other life domains, such as work, school, or social interactions. This can strain relationships significantly, and perhaps even damage them permanently. Anger can isolate a person at a time when they need people around them for support.

Dealing with Grief and Anger

Grieving is not an easy process. It is important for an individual who is experiencing unhealthy anger during grief and loss to seek and find professional assistance in the healing process. A person may find themselves lashing out at a total stranger over something small because they have not taken the time to work through their emotions and the process of loss.

Grieving well means seeking professional assistance and allowing oneself time and space to work through the emotions, memories, and thoughts that the loss brings up. The way to deal with grief and the anger that can accompany it includes the following:

It is a process It is helpful to you and your loved ones to remember and to recognize that grief is a process, and part of that process is experiencing the many thoughts and emotions that grief brings.

Grief is not easy, but the only way out is through it The grieving process does not have a clear or definite end date, which might add to why it is uncomfortable. Grief thwarts our desire for control.

Acknowledge where you are in the grief process As you deal with grief, you must acknowledge the thoughts and emotions that come with it, including your anger.

What are you feeling? If it is anger, where are you directing it, and how is it affecting you or the people around you? Using journaling, you can keep track of your thoughts and feelings, as well as what triggers them.

Find ways to relieve stress In general, grieving is stressful, and it can lead to unhealthy behaviors like turning to food for comfort or to alcohol and other substances to dull the pain. These may bring temporary relief, but in the long term, they leave damage in their wake. Rather, choose regular exercise, have a good sleep routine, connect with loved ones, eat healthy, and enjoy nature where and whenever possible.

Getting Help and Support

The journey through grief can be a long and lonely one, but there is help available. Grief support groups can be places to share your experiences and journey with others who are going through similar things. A professional Grief Counselor can help you process your grief so that you can move forward and begin rebuilding your life.

To learn more about how support groups or counseling can help you deal with grief and anger, contact our office today.