9 Tips for Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment can develop in early childhood or later in life. When someone you love and is supposed to love you leaves, it etches a silent message to your mind: I’m unloved, unwanted, and not worthy of attention.

These messages could not be further from the truth. The Bible states that God knew you from before you were born. He created you and already had a plan for your life from before your birth.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. – Psalm 139:13-14, 16, NIV

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Your worth is not the result of another person’s actions. God will never leave you nor forsake you. He is faithful, and His mercy endures forever. You can lay the fear of abandonment at His feet.

Tips for Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment

It is possible to overcome the fear of abandonment, but it will take time for healing and to replace negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. You may still have days when you question your own worth. However, with the right type of counseling, you will develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Don’t allow the fear of abandonment to flow through your family. You can break the generational cycle by addressing your anxiety now. Healing your heart and allowing Jesus to take the place of any person will overflow onto your children and grandchildren, leaving behind a legacy of healing and love.

Don’t hide from your feelings

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and have a safe space to express the hurt, anger, and frustration. Coming to terms with what happened does not mean that you are at fault. Instead, it is a part of the healing process. Unprocessed emotions can manifest into physical and mental conditions and create trouble in other relationships.

Journaling is an effective tool for expressing your thoughts and feelings. It allows you to write on the page what you would like to say to the other person. Having an outlet for these emotions helps you to move past them as you live your life. Don’t hide from your feelings. Express them on the page.

Work on negative thoughts and limiting beliefs

Abandonment embeds negative thoughts and limiting beliefs into the psyche. For example, you may carry the hateful words someone you love spoke to you. These words become part of your narrative and your belief system. If they stated that no one would love you, then you might believe no one will ever love you. This thought pattern can cause self-sabotage in relationships.

Identifying negative thoughts and limiting beliefs is the first step. Using a journal or small notebook, jot down every thought that brings you emotional pain or self-sabotage. Catch these thoughts and challenge them.

Are these factual statements, or simply the regurgitation of someone bitter and hurting? Have you surmised these beliefs based on this person’s actions? Ask a counselor to help you identify and replace negative thoughts and limiting beliefs with more helpful ones.

Nurture meaningful relationships

When someone you love leaves, you might wonder if it’s worth the effort to invite others into your circle. No one wants to be hurt again. Yet, there is no proof that you will or will not be hurt again. People are human. We are all flawed. However, what we can do is form meaningful relationships and nurture them to the best of our ability.

We can let people in and take a chance. What relationships should you nurture? The people who have stuck by you, or the new person in town, or at your church. Find common ground with them and ask God to give you discernment to let the right ones in for His glory and your peace.

Learn to set boundaries

If you have faced the fear of abandonment, then you may fall into the people-pleasing rut. You want to feel love and acceptance, so you bend your rules and values for other people. You allow others to take advantage of your kindness and generosity. Although we should always approach people with love and kindness, we must set boundaries to protect our peace and mental health.

Make it clear about people’s access to you. There will be people you need to forgive, but you cannot make them a daily part of your life due to past hurts or betrayals. Set boundaries with those in your life. Identify the behaviors you will not tolerate and clearly communicate them to others.

Make honest communication a priority

Keep communication open with the people who matter the most to you. Honest communication can often be emotionally draining during difficult conversations, but maintaining open lines of communication can lead to forgiveness and healing.

Don’t feel like a solution must be found right away. Take a breather and question whether you may be falling back into old behavioral patterns due to abandonment issues. Speak with a counselor if you need to develop your communication skills.

Consider talk therapy

It’s easy to lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves a story to make life bearable while we deal with the fear of abandonment. Talk therapy is an excellent format for uncovering the root cause of anxiety and finding ways to manage the thoughts and emotions.

A counselor leads talk therapy and provides you with a safe space to express your pain and the thoughts and emotions that are holding you back. This is also an opportunity to discuss negative thoughts and limiting beliefs, and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

Research Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a method that helps break negative thoughts and emotions, reframing them into healthier ones, thereby changing behaviors. CBT also works in reverse. When you identify an unhealthy or harmful behavior, CBT helps you change not only the behavior itself but also the thoughts associated with it and the resulting emotions.

You will need to see a mental health professional to begin CBT. CBT is effective for helping people with various mental conditions, including anxiety, depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and eating disorders.

Turn your story into a testimony in group therapy

Although it is painful, everyone has a story to tell. You don’t know how much your story of abandonment or neglect may impact another life. Turn your story into a testimony and seek support and encouragement from others in group therapy.

You can often find group therapy at local counseling centers, community centers, hospitals, and online. Many people like a virtual option, where they can participate from the comfort of their own home while engaging with others.

Take time out for yourself

If you struggle with abandonment issues, you may find yourself giving more to others than to yourself. This is a natural response to the fear of abandonment. You are afraid that if you do not please others, they might leave.

But you cannot pour from an empty cup. Eventually, you will burn out. Taking time out for yourself is not selfish; it’s self-care. It’s protecting your peace and health, so that you can be there for others. Think of activities that make you happy or leave you with a sense of accomplishment. Some suggestions include going for a long walk, visiting a park or museum, or curling up with a good book. Try to do something specifically for you once or twice a day.

Christian Counseling for Fear of Abandonment

Christian counseling can help you confront the fear of abandonment with talk therapy, group therapy, evidence-based psychological methods, and faith-based principles. Speak with one of our representatives today, who will connect you to a Christian counselor for a virtual session.