Counseling for Children: “That’s Not Fair!”

“That’s not fair!” If you’re a parent, you’ve probably heard that phrase many times, and recently. Children use it to plead their case when you make a decision that they disagree with. They might scream at you as they are carried away from the playground or mumble it as you unplug their favorite device.

Your child, of course, is using the phrase, “that’s not fair,” to express their feelings of disapproval and frustration in their lack of power. But what they aren’t doing is fully comprehending what the term means. That’s not too surprising, because a lot of people, even adults, don’t understand it. The phrase is often used to mean getting what you want, expecting equal outcomes, or expressing frustration, but that’s not what fairness is.

Is that distinction important? Especially at an early age? Yes. An early understanding of fairness shapes social skills, moral reasoning, and the ability and desire to follow rules. Misunderstanding the concept of fairness can lead to issues with entitlement or frustration.

How Fairness is Misunderstood

Many people, children and adults alike, confuse fairness with getting what they want. A child might argue that it’s not fair that their sibling gets more time online. But what they might not understand is that the older sibling’s privilege is often a fair outcome rooted in age appropriateness or their demonstrated effort in following household rules, rather than a mere arbitrary gift.

The word fair, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is: “marked by impartiality and honesty: free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism.”

Pause a moment on that phrase, “marked by impartiality and honesty: free from self-interest, prejudice or favoritism.” That means that for something to be fair, it must first be rooted in honesty and equality, not simply whether the outcome is what you wanted it to be or not.

Fairness considers each person’s intrinsic and inalienable rights. Those things they are entitled to, based on their position in life, honesty, responsibility, effort, and age appropriateness, are what determine what is fair.

Biblical Meaning

The dictionary definition of fairness aligns with what the Bible teaches. In James 3:17, it says, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” (NIV) Fairness, then, is directly connected to God’s wisdom. Fairness means treating people with honesty, kindness, and without favoritism, as God models and instructs.

The Bible also warns not to confuse fairness with favoritism and links a person’s actions to a just outcome without prejudice. In James 2:1-9, “My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism… If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing right. But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.” (NIV)

This passage is powerful because it speaks of the core concept of true fairness, that outcomes are determined by outside factors, choices, and universal truths, not by self-interest or special treatment. It establishes an absolute, impartial rule. If a person does something wrong, they will be repaid for their wrong. Their repayment is the fair consequence or impartial results, but not necessarily pleasant.

Fairness is about honesty. God cares deeply that our actions and decisions reflect truth, not deception or manipulation. Proverbs 11:1(NIV) says: “The Lord detests dishonest scales, but accurate weights find favor with him.”

Applying that to the definition of fairness, being fair is not really about what you give or even receive, but it’s about the integrity behind your decision. Just like God measures things honestly, you too are called to be honest in how you treat others, even when it might be easier to favor one person over another.

How The Misconception Affects Children

Is establishing a true definition of fairness and instilling that in your children really that important? Yes, because a convoluted view of fairness can trickle down and affect every area of their life, from how they perceive the way others treat them to the consequences they expect and their work ethic.

Children need to realize that fairness is not a guarantee of happiness, but rather a reflection of justice. If your child is angry that you held to your word and gave them half an hour on the playground, they need to realize that their anger doesn’t make the decision unfair because they were given what they were promised. And if you decide to extend their time on the playground, that is not fairness, but generosity.

Consider a teenager who gets upset because you’ve limited them to one hour of screen time a day. They might insist that “it isn’t fair” and feel frustrated. However, the key to their understanding of the concept of fairness is recognizing the distinctions between rights and privileges. Fairness doesn’t apply to what was never guaranteed in the first place. By setting a limit, you are being generous in allowing the privilege at all, not unfair by restricting it.

And that brings us to the issue of entitlement. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you’re entitled to it. Fairness is about justice, integrity, and consistency, not just granting every desire. When children internalize this, they learn to appreciate boundaries, respect rules, and see that generosity is a gift, separate from what is deserved or owed.

Reframing Fairness

If your family is struggling with issues of entitlement or a misconception about fairness, consider seeking therapy. A therapist can work with your child to transition them from an outcome-based definition of fairness to an integrity-based definition. By showing them that fairness doesn’t mean that they get what they want, but rather what they deserve, they will learn about gratitude, hard work, and integrity.

A therapist can also help your child categorize things like food and safety as inalienable and guaranteed rights, and screen time or toys as privileges they either earn or are gifted. A therapist can also help link action to consequence through role-playing and help the child process feelings of frustration.

What many call “fair” is just a veneer for favoritism

The popular definition of fairness can often refer to favoritism or generosity. Favoritism subverts the essence of true fairness because it injects partiality into the outcome and removes reality and responsibility. It directly violates the core principles of the fairness you’re teaching your children because it introduces the idea of partiality and prejudice into the outcome.

Children, whether they’re expecting reward or leniency, need to learn that fairness, not favoritism, is based on integrity, inalienable rights, effort, responsibility, and other, more complicated factors, not just arbitrary preferences or instant gratification. In teaching your children the right mindset surrounding fairness, you’re also teaching them about graciousness and generosity.

Peppered among your hardline rules and consequences is a softer space reserved for grace. Because while consistent absolutes are important, it’s also valuable for children to see that kindness and fairness can coexist.

The message of salvation illustrates the ultimate example of fairness and generosity. We are sinners and deserve judgment. But God, in his unwavering and omnipotent love for us, gave the most generous sacrifice so we can live eternally. Not because we are worthy or because it’s our right, but because of His generosity and love.

God created a way for us to escape the punishment that was fair for us to receive and interrupted that with generosity. And that lesson of justice and generosity can lead your child closer to a life of integrity and a closer walk with God.

To learn more about teaching fairness and mercy to your children, contact our office today to schedule a meeting with me or one of the other Christian counselors in our online directory.