Life After a Miscarriage: How to Handle Grief

It should be the most exciting moment of your life. You wake up, maybe feeling extra tired, maybe a little nauseous or sore, and you take a test. And then the two pink lines pop up, and whether you’ve prayed for this baby for years, were cautiously hopeful after previous losses, or were surprised by an unexpected pregnancy, you’re going to be a mom.

It’s everything you’ve dreamed. Or maybe you’re unsure, but you’re secretly excited. Whatever the emotion, you take the next step and call the doctor, but they can’t fit you in for another month. So what do you do?

Some women test obsessively, looking for a line progression that gets darker. Other women get blood draws to measure their hormone levels. And others are so confident that they just accept the one test and go into their first ultrasound appointment without a single worry.

And then it hits you. Maybe the hormones aren’t rising, and the levels are actually getting lower, or maybe you’re unaware until the ultrasound wand is on your belly and the doctor says the words you dread to hear: There’s no heartbeat.

And then it’s like everything stops. Your heart is pounding loud enough that you’re sure the doctor and the other customers in the waiting room can hear it, and maybe even you want to be a little sick.

You still feel pregnant. You’re exhausted and sore. You’re craving ice cream and onion rings. But there’s no baby.

So you go home, throw away the line of pregnancy tests with the progressing lines. Put away the clothes you maybe bought for an announcement, and wait for the inevitable. The dreams of a baby shower died, and the hope and confidence you had about being a mom are gone. But it’s not your fault.

The Truth

The truth is that one in four women will miscarry in their first trimester. Sometimes it has to do with a woman’s health, but often it’s just luck. Chromosomal abnormalities are the biggest cause, and there’s not much anyone can do about them. You can test and figure out why, but even if answers come, it doesn’t change the ache that you feel from having lost your child. So how do we go on?

Grief isn’t linear. There are stages, and I’m sure we’ve all heard of them: Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Sometimes we feel all of these things at once. Sometimes we don’t feel any of them. It depends on the person.

The good news is that we have Jesus to lean on. Scripture tells us that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted. Throughout the Gospels, we also see Jesus weep with those who grieve, reminding us that He is not distant from our suffering.

What can you do?

The most important thing in this process is not to isolate yourself. It may feel like people may not understand, but that does not mean that they can’t be there for you. Whether that is sitting in silence with you, listening to you talk about the dreams you had for your baby and life, or binge- watching your favorite TV show.

You must take care of yourself during this time. Standing in the shower is better than not doing anything to maintain hygiene. Crackers and cheese is better than starving yourself. Be kind to yourself. Your body is going through a lot. The combination of physical exertion and mental turmoil can really wear a body down.

If you are unable to be around people who have children, that is okay. You’re not selfish for your grief, and you aren’t ruining anything. It’s possible to be both happy for a family who announces a pregnancy and sad at the same time.

Scriptures to Help

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

There is nothing that Jesus did not experience and that includes the grief that comes with losing a loved one. Even knowing Lazarus would soon walk out of the tomb, Jesus still wept alongside Mary and Martha. He entered into their grief rather than dismissing it. If Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever, then it is true that He is there grieving and mourning with us.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. – Matthew 5:4

We can hold onto that promise. We can trust that God will either comfort us Himself or send those to bring us comfort.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

God is so good, and so gracious, that even in the midst of our grief, he brings healing. For some women, healing eventually includes another pregnancy. For others, the road looks quite different. Whatever your story becomes, God’s faithfulness does not depend on the outcome.

Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. – Isaiah 49:15-16a

God never forgets us, and He feels our pain. We are always cherished and remembered by Him.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

In our pain, we can remember that Jesus is the source of our comfort, and because we have Him we are able to extend that comfort to others. We don’t know why miscarriage happens, but we do know that everything can be used for our testimony of God’s goodness.

For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. – Psalm 30:5

Grief won’t always feel as overwhelming as it does today. The ache may remain, but God promises that sorrow will not have the final word.

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. – Psalm 55:22

Remember that there are burdens we pick up that we were never meant to carry. Pain, sorrow…they are only supposed to last for a short time. Lean on the Lord in these hard times. Even if that looks like sobbing on the bathroom floor, asking why, and being angry. It’s okay to be angry.

If all you can bring Him is tears, then bring tears. He never asks us to appear put together. He does not expect perfection. He just wants us to seek His face and presence.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. – Revelation 21:4

Jesus will come back. Scripture says that He catches every tear in a bottle. Revelation says that He will wipe our tears away. What a God!

Whether you carried your baby for two weeks, eight weeks, or experienced a stillbirth, the loss of a child fundamentally changes a woman. There is no “right” way to heal, and moving through the pain is often easier said than done. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. God is faithful to walk with you whether you cry all day, every day, or feel as though you’ve run out of tears.

Next Steps

If you’re struggling with your loss, know that you don’t have to carry it alone. At Seattle Christian Counseling, we provide a confidential, safe place where you can grieve honestly, ask the hard questions, and heal at your own pace. Whether your loss was recent or feelings from years ago are resurfacing, we’d be honored to walk alongside you on your healing journey.