Finding Meaning in Pain

Coping With Grief, Loss, and Depression Part II

As a mental health therapist and theologian, I should know why human beings run away from painful emotions. If I had the space in this article, I could lay out all the psychological and theological variables. But even if I did this, I could not provide the perfect answer for the simple reason that we are not all the same. We are all unique and we bring a combination of biological, psychological, and social variables to the table. Just as the source of depression is often a mystery, so too are the reasons why people avoid dealing with their depressed moods.

Moving Toward Our Pain

In my previous article, I shared the reasoning of Gerald Sitser, Parker Palmer, and Henri Nouwen. All three shared their experience of needing to move into their pain in order to heal. Too often, we get bogged down in trying to figure out the why behind our depression. While this is important, in my opinion it is not what will ultimately bring healing. So, what does bring healing?

Choosing Not to Hide

Since the fall of humanity described in Genesis 3, it seems that we like to avoid things. “If I just ignore it, it will eventually go away.” Before the fall, openness seemed to be the standard operating procedure. Adam and Eve walked with God; they were naked and exposed. Then one day they hid from him and cast blame on each other. Their ability to face one another and God was shattered by guilt that turned to shame.

As humans, we tend to find it easier to hide than to work through our pain. There can be many reasons for this. The judgment of others can keep us in hiding, as can our need for safety. For some, expressing their emotions can be dangerous – either physically, emotionally, or both. But all of us must ask ourselves whether staying hidden is worth the pain.

Finding Meaning and Hope

One of the first questions I ask when working with people is: How do you find meaning in the midst of your situation? A common answer is that there is no meaning in this situation. I also inquire about hope: What brings you hope? The most common answer is: “I don’t know.” In my opinion these are critical questions and are often the most important variables in the healing process.

Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who spent time in a concentration camp, was able to find meaning and hope in some of the worst conditions known to humanity. Imprisoned, suffering, and on his way to the gas chamber, Frankl discovered: “A thought transfixed me… I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets… so many thinkers… the truth—that love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.” It seems that when we experience loss and suffering, the most important things in our lives are magnified. We do not always realize how much we love someone, and we do not expect their loss to have such a deep impact on our lives. In our suffering, all the non-essential things in our lives are stripped away. Suffering and loss can simplify our lives by defining our priorities, thus motivating us to act accordingly.

Gratitude & Grace

The old saying, “Count your blessings,” is not the most helpful, and tends to gloss over the pain that people are experiencing. Platitudes such as these are not helpful – and are often offered in order to relieve our own anxiety as well as that of others. To experience authentic healing, we need to go into the deep, dark places – yet continue to look for moments of grace, even if they are slight. As humans, we tend to be wired to look for and stay with the negatives. If we are praised ten times and criticized once, the negative will most likely impact us more than the positive. This is where our work begins, for it asks us to be mindful of our reality. I believe that even in our pain we can find evidence of grace. And when we find it, some of our energy must be spent focusing on the gift that God has given us. The practice of journaling and of keeping artifacts that symbolize moments of grace can be very helpful. Given our tendency to easily forget the good things we have, these items will allow us to remember. We need to remain vigilant in our pain and suffering so as not to miss the moment, the few seconds, of grace that we might receive. Gerald May highlights the reality that our suffering can be “a vehicle for gifts of grace.” Will we notice those moments when they occur?

If we can do this, then we can experience gratitude. Henri Nouwen defines gratitude as: “the attitude that enables us to let go of anger, receive the hidden gifts of those we want to serve, and make these gifts visible to the community.” Will we look for moments that can bring us the kind of hope we need for healing and transformation? I think we should…

Christian Counseling to Overcome Your Pain

As a Christian counselor, I am privileged to accompany some of the people who are brave enough to confront and move through their pain. If you are suffering from loss and depression, and are aware of your need to find hope and gratitude, please seek help. You can find meaning in the midst of pain. Seek professional counseling and support from others. Your wounds may persist, but life can move forward and healing is possible.