How to Control Your Anger When It’s Overtaking You

Anger is one of the more common emotions that we find expressed in our society. From in-person to online, with someone familiar to you or with a stranger, anger shows up everywhere. It is an emotion common to us all. Because of this, you need to learn how to control your anger.

Some people will say, however, that they don’t get angry. To back up this claim, they may cite the fact that whenever they encounter angering circumstances, they don’t hit, yell obscenities, throw things, or write hostile posts online. However, they are merely describing outward aggressive expressions of anger, and not necessarily anger itself.

Anger is an emotion, and it is neither good nor bad. Like all our other emotions, anger functions as a way to inform us how we are experiencing and responding to a given situation. Being able to deal with your anger and make good use of it can benefit your well-being and your relationships.

Coming to grips with anger

Anger moves a person to act. It can be overwhelmingly intense and even frightening. When we feel angry, it brings about physiological changes such as increased heart rate and blood pressure. It causes a flood of the hormones cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. All these are at the root of the urge to do something when we’re feeling angry, even if it ends up being an inappropriate response.

Our bodies have been designed to help us face threats, whether by fighting them or by fleeing. The powerful, aggressive feelings and behaviors that anger provokes help us to face these threats and survive them. However, if we follow our anger wherever it takes us, we might end up verbally or physically lashing out at others, and there are consequences for such actions.

If a person struggles with their anger, it can affect them in several different ways. Uncontrolled anger can lead to high blood pressure, increased anxiety, increased risk of heart disease due to stress, gastrointestinal discomfort, weakening immune system, reduced lung function, and skin flare-ups which can worsen conditions such as hormonal acne, rosacea, psoriasis, and eczema.

Uncontrolled anger can also affect your relationships. If you’re constantly blowing up at people because you are angry, that is going to affect other people’s ability to be vulnerable with you. Likewise, it will affect intimacy as well as inflame conflict while making it harder to find lasting resolution and reconciliation. A person who’s constantly angry feels unsafe to be around.

Some signs that you have anger problems

Since we all feel anger, it’s a worthwhile question to ask how much anger is too much? It is also important to understand when anger becomes a problem in a person’s life. Some of the signs include the following:

Broken relationships

If a person has broken relationships in their life, and this can be traced back to things they said or did because of anger, or because of the environment created by their anger, that’s a strong signal that anger is a problem in their life.

Legal problems

Finding yourself in legal problems because of the way you acted out of anger can also be an indication that there’s an issue. If you’ve hurt someone or damaged property during a fit of anger, that is a sign that you don’t have your anger under control, and that it may be a problem for you.

The prevalence of anger

A person should experience a range of emotions throughout their day. A healthy emotional life allows one to feel things like joy, sadness, anger, fear, love, anticipation, amusement, and every other emotion in between. However, if a person feels angry most of the time and it is the emotion that is most prevalent in their life, that is a problem.

Struggling to express anger

A person may have a problem with anger if they shy away from it, let alone express it. Some people are afraid of what they might do if they get angry, so they choose to suppress those feelings. They do everything to avoid expressing what they feel. This is as much a problem as expressing anger in an unhealthy way.

Expressing anger poorly

Anger can be directed inwardly and outwardly. Some people express anger toward themselves through negative self-talk, or through expressions of self-loathing, depriving themselves of necessities as punishment. Anger can also be expressed passively, through sarcasm, giving the silent treatment, pouting, or sulking. These indicate an inability to effectively and constructively deal with anger.

Help in controlling your anger

One way of thinking about anger is as a kind of fuel that can be used to either direct and empower positive change, or it can be destructive in a person’s life. It’s like fire, which can be used to provide warmth and light when it’s contained in a fireplace. When it’s not contained, it can burn the whole house down, and whatever else happens to be near it. Getting anger under control is of paramount importance.

Some of the tools you can use to help control anger include the following:

Self-care matters

Sometimes the things that provoke your anger feel worse when you haven’t eaten, slept, spent time in God’s word, or gotten enough exercise. Be sure to take care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. This helps you to keep your anger under control, and to express it constructively.

Understand yourself better

The above works most effectively if you know yourself well. Keeping a journal can be a great way of understanding how you tick, and why you get angry when you do. Keeping track of when you are most incensed helps you understand your values, which, when violated, tend to provoke anger. It helps to understand your moods better and to know which provocations or situations to best avoid.

Focus on what you can change in the situation

Taking the time to think about your situation and why you’re angry can be helpful. For instance, you might get angry at your child or spouse for dragging their feet and making you late for work, but further reflection helps you realize, though, that your anger stems only partially from this. It’s also coming from stress and anxiety due to the big meeting you have that day.

While you can’t necessarily change your child or spouse, you might benefit more from turning to address the stress and anxiety you feel because of that meeting.

Interrogate your anger

While anger is neither good nor bad, it’s still important to ask yourself the question “Should I be angry?” Often, we react to situations in anger because we feel wronged in some way. It helps to take time to evaluate whether you’ve truly been treated unfairly or wronged and whether your reaction is justified. The Lord’s question to Jonah comes to mind – “Do you do well to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4, ESV)

Take a step back

Sometimes, it helps to take a step back from the triggering situation and to take a deep breath. Making use of breathing techniques helps to regulate your nervous system and to signal a sense of safety to your brain, which calms you down. When you take a step away from the situation, whether literally or figuratively, you can better recognize why you’re feeling angry, and what you want out of the situation.

Taking a step back might mean rescheduling a conversation for later, taking a break and going into the next room, or going for a brisk walk before you respond to the person or their email. This gives you a chance to think about what else could be going on, whether it’s feelings of hurt, embarrassment, fear, fatigue, or something else. Your response can then be better informed and directed toward the real issues.

Getting help

Anger is a common emotion that can have negative consequences if left uncontrolled. However, you can bring anger under control. Finding effective anger management counseling can help you work through the tools outlined here. Your counselor can guide you in understanding unhelpful patterns of thought that could be informing how you respond to provocation. Then you can effectively replace them with life-giving habits and responses

If you would like to get started, call our offices today. We have skillful counselors ready to help with open appointments. Start your journey toward healing and wholeness today!