Keys to Effective Listening

A simple and easy way to improve all your relationships is through effective listening. It’s one of the best ways to let others know you appreciate and value them, even if you don’t agree with them. There are a few key steps to becoming a more effective listener, which will enhance the quality of each of your relationships.

Effective Listening Defined

Effective listening involves slowing down and paying close attention to what the other person is saying. It also includes asking thoughtful questions and making your desire to respond secondary to the other person’s needs. When effective listening is done well, it communicates both love and respect. It’s a simple way to be more intentional in all your relationships.

It’s important to practice effective listening in our fast-paced culture, where there is an abundance of impatience and selfishness. Good listening skills are appreciated by everyone who wants to be heard and seen. Often, we miss opportunities to communicate care and concern just because we are moving too fast to listen well. But we can all learn to polish our listening skills to improve our relationships.

The Keys to Effective Listening

Effective listening involves mindfulness in every conversation. You must pay attention to both nonverbal and verbal communication you use, as well as what the other person uses. By tweaking both nonverbal and verbal cues, you can be a more effective listener.

Interrupting is an enemy of effective listening. To stop interrupting, place your tongue gently between your teeth while the other person speaks. Let the pressure remind you to not speak until there is a natural pause in the conversation, and when you have taken time to first think through what you want to say. A brief one- or two-second pause before responding can help you be more intentional too.

While you listen, pretend to transcribe the conversation in your mind. Record as many details as possible in your short-term memory. These details will assist you in understanding the speaker’s feelings and thoughts, including nonverbal cues. Their tone of voice, facial expression, and even body stance and hand gestures can help you discern their true meaning.

You can ask the other person, “Did I hear this correctly?” or “Can I ask you more about this?” to gain clarity on what the other person said. You can also ask them, “Does what I said make sense?” or “Is there anything I need to clarify?” to give them a chance to understand you better.

An Example of Active Listening

Active listening is an important part of effective listening. It involves repeating back what the speaker says to gain a clear understanding. Active listening can boost harmony in your relationships.

This example of active listening involves a wife who wants her husband to help more around the house on the weekends. Here’s what the conversation looks like without active listening:

Wife: “I can’t believe you spend every weekend with your friends instead of helping me out around the house.”

Husband: “Well, that’s just not true. I do help with the house when I can, but the weekend is the only time I can be with my friends.”

Wife: “I didn’t say you never help me. But I do need more help, especially on the weekend. Why aren’t you willing to help me?”

Husband: “I never said I’m unwilling to help you! I’m not listening to the rest of this.”

In this example, though the husband may be telling the truth, his defensiveness caused the situation to escalate. The wife also uses some terms that are global rather than specific, which triggered her husband’s defensiveness.

This common conversation pattern shows two people who are not willing to understand the other’s point of view. This is what active listening looks like in this same situation:

Wife: “I can’t believe you spend every weekend with your friends instead of helping me out around the house.”

Husband: “Sounds like you are frustrated that I’m out with my friends on the weekends while you’re working on the house. Is that correct?”

Wife: “Yes, I feel frustrated by this. It feels like I’m doing all the work. I’m OK with you spending some time with friends, but I need more help from you.”

Husband: “I hear that you feel like you’re doing all the work. Can you tell me more?”

Wife: “Well, for example, you are taller and stronger than me, so some of the jobs I do would be easier for you. I’d like to talk about sharing chores so we can have more fun together on the weekends.”

Husband: “Am I hearing this right: You would like more of my help with certain jobs around the house on the weekends?”

Wife: “Yes. If we would both work together, I wouldn’t feel so frustrated about you spending some time with your friends. This would free up time for us to have fun on the weekends too.”

Husband: “What I hear you saying is that if we share the weekend chores, we can both benefit from it. I can still spend time with my friends, but you won’t be as frustrated. And, we’ll have more time to have fun together too. Did I miss anything?”

Wife: “No, you didn’t miss anything. Can we talk about which chores are mine, and which chores are yours?”

In this example, the husband focuses on his wife’s responses and does not become defensive. He affirms her feelings while keeping his feelings to himself. Both arrive at a mutually satisfying solution sooner since conflict was avoided through active listening. You can enjoy the same benefits by affirming the other person, not getting defensive, and asking for more information. This approach promotes harmony in all relationships.

When Is Effective Listening Needed?

Conflict resolution is always improved by effective listening. However, effective listening is also useful in daily conversations because it helps people feel respected. These are areas in which the daily practice of effective listening can bless your relationships.

Married couples, children, and siblings can benefit from effective listening at home. You can get to know each other on a much deeper level by practicing this type of listening and modeling it to others. Each family member will feel more loved by this approach. It can also be a tool to promote understanding in extended families.

In work relationships, effective listening clarifies expectations from your boss and smooths out rough patches with coworkers. Clients will also appreciate the effort you make to listen to their needs and empathize with their feelings. The patience and persistence required with effective listening will pay off at work.

Effective listening is also helpful if you serve on a team of volunteers, board of directors, committee, or small group. It’s a practical way to improve relationship quality in both civic and church-based activities.

You Can Improve Your Listening Skills

Better listening skills aren’t developed overnight. They are part of a process of personal and spiritual growth. Our sinful natures will always be reactive and defensive, and we will tend to see ourselves as right in our own eyes. But effective listening makes you humble and spiritually mature over time, and it’s a wonderful asset to any relationship you have.

You can learn how to use effective listening with the help of a caring Christian counselor. Your counselor will offer an objective viewpoint to help you discover any blind spots you have in your current listening skills. In the counselor’s office, you can role-play situations where you want to become a more effective listener. Counseling sessions will help you grow your confidence in relating to others with more love, respect, empathy, and affirmation.

To make your listening skills the best they can be, reach out to a Christian counselor today. We can help you improve your relationships and resolve conflicts while you become the person God intends for you to be.