Recovery After Emotional Abandonment in Marriage

When you enter into a marriage, you don’t think about being abandoned. You focus on creating a healthy and stable home for your family. Then you begin to realize that something is off. Your spouse seems to be distant. It also seems that you are spending more time alone and there are no longer those intimate moments. Your spouse could be exhibiting emotional abandonment.

You find yourself lost in loneliness. You crave a quiet night with your spouse, but he is not home. This is when you begin realizing that even when he is home there is no emotional connection.

This is a typical thought process for someone who may be experiencing emotional abandonment in marriage. Emotional abandonment is defined as feeling neglected and alone in the marriage. It is when a spouse no longer invests in the marriage and doesn’t see the emotional pain of their partner.

What are the signs to look for in emotional abandonment?

These issues stem from different fears and experiences that create anxiety. Not all abandonment issues stem from childhood. There could be traumatic events as adults that cause abandonment issues. The most common indicator that there is an issue with abandonment is a person with people-pleasing tendencies.

Other signs to look for are:

• Difficulty with intimacy physically and emotionally.
• Relationships are displeasing.
• A desire to control one’s partner.
• Distrust of partner.
• People-pleasing behaviors.
• Jealous of other relationships.
• No connection during communication.
• Loss of engagement in socializing with friends.
• Unable to feel at ease around your partner.

What can cause emotional abandonment in marriage?

It can be hard to pinpoint the exact causes of emotional abandonment. It can start with a slow progression into contentment or an abrupt behavior change. If it is something that is noticed suddenly then it is likely that there is an issue that has instigated the situation. Most of the time it is a result of a lot of issues over an extended period of time.

Here is a list of the most common causes of emotional abandonment in marriage:

Unforgiveness.

When there is unforgiveness between spouses there is a high probability that there will be an onset of emotional abandonment by either of the spouses. Forgiveness isn’t just saying sorry. Forgiveness is an action that is a willingness to work through the problem even when your heart still aches from the problem. God’s word instructs us to forgive so that we know what it is to be forgiven.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:31-32, ESV

Careless treatment.

Treating your spouse with indifference and unkindness can cause a rift in the marriage quickly. No one wants to be ignored or pushed aside emotionally. This type of hurt can linger and cause even more hurt or lead to anger and resentment. God intentionally instructs spouses to love and respect each other. This is because He sees each person as a gift to be treasured.

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. – Ephesians 5:33, ESV

Less effort.

It takes effort to be sure that your marriage continues to grow. Not taking time to make it a priority can signal that there is a lack of interest in the future of the marriage. This can make the other person feel as though they are taken for granted. They may begin to withdraw and become distant. God desires that marriages be full of love and respect.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, ESV

Unwilling to problem solve.

All marriages have moments of disagreement. There are times when a problem comes up and both spouses choose to ignore the issue. This could be because they don’t want to face the difficulty of talking about the problem.

When there is no communication about a problem the issue then leads to one or both spouses becoming distant. Learning to resolve conflict is an important skill in marriage. This can keep a marriage from being broken through emotional abandonment.

bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. – Colossians 3:13-14, ESV

Denying there is a problem.

Sometimes people don’t want to face the fact that there is a problem. If there is an admission of a problem then there has to be an admission of wrongdoing. No one wants to admit they have been the cause of a failed or damaged marriage. People tend to believe that if they ignore the issue’s existence then there is no issue. This doesn’t fix the situation. It only leads to mistrust and distance. This makes way for emotional abandonment in marriage.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; – James 1:19, ESV

Overcoming emotional abandonment.

Even though it is a process, emotional abandonment can be overcome. It is a process of being intentional about healing and understanding how behaviors have affected the marriage. This isn’t a blame game. It is a deliberate attempt to forgive and be forgiven in order to restore love and joy to a marriage.

Emotional abandonment can leave emotional scars. These scars don’t have to dictate how the marriage will progress. It takes both spouses and a willingness to be accountable for their part. Learning to communicate emotions and desires is one way to overcome the feeling of abandonment. The most important thing is to identify the underlying cause of the problem and decide to resolve the issue.

Even though the most common symptom of emotional abandonment is distancing from each other, coming together to overcome the problem is the best way to understand how the other person sees the healing process. By being willing to communicate openly, the feelings of mistrust can be addressed. This will lead to communication that can be productive in the solution of the problem.

We are meant to desire peace and love in our relationships. God mentions many times that anger is destructive, but love will overcome many obstacles. Take time to engage in quality time together. Choose to share hobbies and interests that will lead to meaningful conversations. When you choose to restore intimacy in the relationship, the feelings of emotional abandonment can be addressed in a way that helps both people overcome the situation.

Conclusion.

God designed men and women to live a life of marriage in peace and love. He wants to see marriages last and grow as families. He didn’t design marriages to feel like an obligation. It was so that people would not face the struggles alone. Even though He is always with us, He knows that as people we have a desire to be loved by others. He knows we want to have meaningful and loving relationships.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:22-28, ESV

If you find that you and your spouse are having difficulties navigating a pathway of healing from emotional abandonment don’t hesitate to reach out to your local Christian counselor. There are many available that will provide Bible-based strategies to help your marriage recover from emotional abandonment.