What You Need to Know About Abandonment Issues

Abandonment issues are related to insecure attachment styles and are linked to a deep and abiding fear of being hurt, rejected, and abandoned. The fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety that often comes about after a painful or traumatic experience such as the loss of a loved one, long-term and consistent neglect, and child abuse.

While some people who are affected by abandonment issues avoid sharing personal information, remain overly guarded, and even tend to push people away, others may become needy and codependent. An unstable emotional life and aggression may also be a result of an abandonment issue.

How can abandonment issues be explained?

Specific painful experiences where betrayal, hurt, or abandonment was experienced are often the starting point of a fear of abandonment. It may originate from an early childhood trauma involving a parent or caregiver where a child’s early interactions impact all aspects of their physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development. These abandonment issues experienced in childhood often extend into adulthood.

How does abandonment affect children?

Picture a loving parent or caregiver. They respond to the child in their care in a consistently loving and attentive way, responding kindly and gently to the child’s feelings and needs. As a result of this, a secure attachment is developed between the two.

However, when this does not happen the child can remain in a state of chronic stress and fear. This may stunt their development and stop specific key emotional and social milestones from being achieved. As time passes this leads to the development of an insecure attachment style.

Insecure attachment issues and fear of abandonment.

Attachment styles are closely linked to several aspects of each child’s development and continue to impact a person across their lifespan. Our attachment styles affect our ability to develop healthy, happy, and trusting relationships and our ability to connect with others.

Our attachment style influences the way we think about and see ourselves and others and this that informs the way we think, act, and feel. Each person’s ability to inform others of their feelings, wants, and needs is influenced by their attachment style, as is the way a person responds to conflict and stress.

The secure attachment style is seen as healthy. It represents a person who learns to trust others and be open with them, respond to them, and react warmly. It is easier for those with secure attachment styles to form healthy and close relationships. However, those without these positive experiences may go on to develop an insecure attachment style.

What are the various styles of insecure attachment?

Researchers have found there to be three main types of insecure attachment styles, and each of them is thought to begin from relationship trauma, specifically from early interaction with parents or caregivers who were unresponsive, unpredictable, or abusive. Depending on the style of insecure attachment, the pattern or behavior, defense mechanism, and manner of expression of coping mechanisms will be different.

Disorganized attachment style.

Those who experience a disorganized attachment style are mostly uncomfortable with being close and intimate, and they often lack empathy.

The attachment style is characterized by inconsistency and unpredictability in the way the person acts and reacts in a relationship to the extent that they may show features of anxious or avoidant styles. Disorganized attachment is sometimes linked to narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline personality traits and disorders.

Avoidant attachment style.

The automatic choice of those with an avoidant attachment style is to not allow people to get close to them. They will resist opening up or trusting others and be characterized by withdrawn behavior that keeps them distant and private from others. The fear of commitment and their tendency to avoid conflict by initially shutting down the conversation can lead to them leaving or ending the relationship.

Anxious attachment style.

An anxious attachment style is typically observed when someone looks to cope with a fear of abandonment by developing an unhealthy neediness of others and by latching on to them, this can develop into an intensely close and codependent relationship.

Their behavior is characterized by neediness, persistence, and an inability to separate themselves from their partner in a healthy way. Their behavior is typically emotionally reactive, and they interpret conflict or arguments as a signal that their partner will leave them. This means they are often strongly motivated by an intense fear, and a willingness to engage in behavior to ensure they are not abandoned.

What are the signs of abandonment issues?

The most obvious place that abandonment issues reveal themselves is in their relationships, with romantic relationships being the most impacted. Those with abandonment issues are often found to have developed a variety of particular barriers, also known as defense mechanisms, that make it difficult for them to form close and healthy relationships.

While the types of defense mechanisms found in each individual may be different, together they are categorized as attachment styles.

Some of the unhealthy patterns that people with abandonment issues will display will be:

Codependency: being too needy in a relationship and developing a pattern of codependency, and by so doing relying on the other person to meet all their various emotional needs.

Becoming furious when under threat: being able to allow people to get close to them, but then behaving in a volatile, aggressive, or emotionally reactive way with their partner when upset or feeling threatened.

Pushing people away: being unable to open up and be honest with loved ones, withdrawing, developing trust issues, and pushing people away.

Indicators of abandonment issues in children.

Anxiety is a common indicator of abandonment issues in children. It can especially be seen when separating from a caregiver, such as when being dropped off for school. Because they are more easily upset and experience difficulty when regulating their emotions, they may also show negative attention-seeking behaviors and have tantrums and outbursts. These are some characteristics of children with abandonment issues.

Children may either show avoidant or antisocial behaviors, such as withdrawing from their peer group or bullying others. They may also develop a fear of adults or become overly trusting and develop unhealthy dependencies on them.

Causes of abandonment issues.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (also known as ACEs) are almost always the reason that children experience abandonment issues. ACEs describe various types of traumatic and stressful experiences.

The experience of a child of abuse, neglect, or the traumatic loss of a loved one is the most common cause of abandonment issues and becomes especially prevalent when these are experienced in early childhood. The first five years of life are especially impactful on our development, and a person’s attachment style is formed by the time they are five years old.

ACEs can catalyze the development of negative self-beliefs and these form the foundation of abandonment issues and insecure attachments. These can include self-worth issues, such as an inability to accept that they are loveable and worthy of love, a belief that others are untrustworthy, or a belief that people will, sooner or later, leave them.

Childhood traumas do scar us more easily, but experiences later in life may also lead to insecure attachments and abandonment fears. They can be caused by abusive relationships (emotional, physical, or sexual) or being rejected, cheated on, or betrayed.

Long-term effects of abandonment issues.

Studies have found that people who reported traumatic childhood experiences, similar to what has been discussed so far have a higher risk of:

• Chronic health issues (cancer, diabetes, autoimmune conditions, obesity).
• Depression and anxiety (including PTSD, addiction, and developing mental health conditions).
• Developing personality disorders (such as borderline, narcissistic, or antisocial traits).
• Delayed development (shorter attention span, reduced memory and learning skills).
• Experiencing problems and difficulties in relationships.
• Being unable to regulate and control emotions (including self-soothing, and the ability to use healthy communication and coping skills).

When to seek treatment for abandonment issues.

Like other medical conditions, it is important to know for sure whether you or someone you love is affected by abandonment issues. Asking this of a trained professional is a good first step. If this is something you are looking for then why not browse our online counselor directory or contact our office to schedule an appointment? We would be honored to walk with you on this journey.