Abandonment Trauma: What It Is, How It Affects Relationships, and Ways to Overcome It

The past is like a living thing, reaching out toward us, and affecting our daily interactions. We are shaped indelibly by our past experiences, for better or worse. However, your past doesn’t have to define who you are – you can overcome a lot and transform how you view yourself, and that includes overcoming the kinds of experiences that lead to abandonment trauma.

Trauma isn’t only or always the result of physical wounds inflicted on you. You can be traumatized just as easily by experiences you go through, and these can leave a mark that’s deeper than physical scars. Abandonment trauma can affect you and how you conduct your relationships. With help and relying on Jesus’ healing, it’s possible to be renewed and overcome the harm caused in the past.

A Breakdown of Abandonment Trauma

When you are deserted by a person that you rely upon for care, love, or security, the deep emotional pain results in “abandonment trauma.” The same goes whether it’s an experience of desertion, rejection, betrayal, or neglect that you go through. These negative experiences can happen when you’re a child, but they can also occur when you’re an adult, and they can have a similar outcome.

We are social creatures, and our relationships make up the fabric of our lives. As you could imagine, after experiencing something like rejection, desertion, betrayal, or neglect, it affects not only your day-to-day existence but even your understanding of your life and what it all means. What can also happen is that it can imprint a fear of being left behind, and that can remain with you long afterward. The thought is, “What if it happens again?”

Abandonment trauma thus happens when a person doesn’t receive adequate care in childhood, whether that care is entirely absent or inconsistent. Being neglected by a parent or caregiver or being suddenly separated from loved ones can also result in abandonment trauma. Loss, whether through a breakup, divorce, or even death, can play a part, as does repeated rejection or experiences of betrayal such as infidelity.

As such, a variety of experiences can result in abandonment trauma. At the heart of it -whether it’s not having basic physical needs met, or experiencing caregivers that are emotionally distant, or relationships that are volatile, abusive, or unstable – abandonment trauma results from relational needs not being met and having one’s sense of stability and security stripped from them.

Common Signs of Abandonment Trauma

Abandonment trauma leaves its own telltale signs that you can look out for. This kind of trauma will often affect a person’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with others, among other things. The key and common signs to look out for include the following:

An intense fear of being rejected or le One common sign of abandonment trauma is carrying an intense fear that the people you love will leave you, and that can result in being clingy or dependent. This is sometimes referred to as an anxious attachment style. What can result is anxiety in relationships and difficulty trusting others. When you don’t trust other’s intentions, you live in constant fear of betrayal or deception.

Low self-este Another possible result of abandonment trauma and a sign to look out for is low self-esteem and the constant need to be reassured that you are loved and won’t be abandoned. This sense of low self-worth often stems from internalizing past abandonment and falling into the belief that you’re not worthy of love and care from the people in your life.

Avoiding intima While abandonment trauma can result in clinginess and the need for constant reassurance, it can also result in avoiding intimacy. A person who has experienced abandonment trauma may find themselves avoiding emotional connection or pushing people away as a way to protect themselves from being hurt. The thinking is to put as little skin in the game as possible to avoid getting hurt.

Unhealthy relationship patter Abandonment trauma can result in making erratic and self-defeating decisions. This would include engaging in unstable relationships or staying in unhealthy relationships as a way to avoid being alone. It can result in people pleasing to maintain a connection, even if it costs you your well-being, and one sign to look out for is the inability to set healthy boundaries.

Emotional instabili Another sign of abandonment trauma is struggling with one’s emotions and not being able to keep them in check. These emotions may be intense and fluctuate, and they include anger, worry, and sadness.

Unhealthy coping mechanis Another sign to look out for is when one uses unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the emotional pain of the trauma. These behaviors, such as substance abuse, self-harm, or eating disorders, are (unhealthy) ways to try to numb the pain.

Hypervigilan Lastly, another sign of abandonment trauma is hypervigilance, which is when a person keeps their head on a swivel and constantly monitors their relationship for signs of potential rejection or betrayal. Being constantly watchful is not only exhausting and stressful, but it also affects how you conduct relationships. if you’re not present or constantly suspicious, it can damage the relationship.

Abandonment trauma affects your well-being and your ability to have healthy relationships with others. The stress from being abandoned and the trauma that can result from that can leave you feeling anxious, struggling to regulate your emotions, and experiencing fatigue as well as difficulty sleeping. Your mental health can also be affected, as abandonment trauma can also result in depression.

How to Cope with and Overcome Abandonment Trauma

Even though abandonment trauma can cause damage to you and your relationships, it is possible to loosen its grip on you and to nurture relationships that are rooted in secure trust, resilience, and grace. Some of the ways to cope with abandonment trauma include learning how to self-soothe and regulate your emotions, building up your self-worth and knowing how to set healthy boundaries, building healthy relationships, and seeking counseling.

Abandonment trauma can be healed, not only with time, but with consistent work and professional guidance. Some of the ways to cope with and find healing from abandonment trauma include the following:

Take stock of thing It’s important that you take stock of your life and relationships, being sure to acknowledge your feelings and experiences. By recognizing and naming the feelings and thoughts that come with abandonment, that allows you can take ownership of what you’ve been through. Fear, sadness, anger, and hurt – these are some of the emotions that might be associated with abandonment.

Rebuild your self-worth Abandonment can break down your sense of self-worth. You are left feeling worthless, as if you can be easily discarded. You can rebuild your self-esteem by setting and accomplishing personal goals, no matter how big or small. Acknowledge your strengths, reminding yourself that your value is infinite, and it’s not rooted in whether others stay or leave – there’s One who loves you and won’t leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5, NIV).

Practice emotional regulation There are self-soothing techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and grounding exercises that help you remain anchored to the present, calming your mind and body during moments of panic or fear. It’s okay to feel your feelings – they don’t have to dictate how you are, or how you’ll experience a given moment.

Create healthy boundaries Having clear physical and emotional boundaries in relationships helps you to protect yourself and your well-being while creating the space that’s necessary to learn how to trust others and connect with them in a healthy way.

Build healthy relationships One way to heal from unhealthy or unreliable past relationships is to build healthier relationships here and now. People who are compassionate, reliable, and consistent can help reframe your experience of relationships. This, in turn, can help you to replace patterns rooted in fear with trust and safety.

Seek professional help Working with a Christian counselor can be a huge help in processing the emotional pain associated with abandonment trauma. Your counselor can help you grasp techniques to manage your anxiety, form healthier relationships, and rebuild trust. The Lord can heal your heart and relationships. With help, being honest and owning your hurts, it’s possible to learn new patterns of relating to others and yourself.

If you’ve had negative experiences that have resulted in abandonment trauma, reach out and speak to a counselor. They can come alongside you to begin undoing the harm caused, cope well, and learn to overcome that trauma.