Confronting and Letting Go of Toxic Shame

Some of us grew up in families where we felt invisible and unimportant, regardless of what we tried to do to get attention and affection. Some of us had terrible experiences with people who should have loved and protected us, but instead hurt us and exploited us. Some of us were bullied, rejected, and ridiculed for things that we couldn’t help, by peers or by people old enough to know better. The painful memories from these experiences stayed with us in the form of toxic shame.

Toxic shame hides in our hearts. It tells us that we’re not good enough, that there is something wrong with us, that we’ll never amount to anything more than what we are now. It may even tell us that we are fundamentally unlovable.

These are sentences that we don’t necessarily hear. They are ideas and beliefs that we probably don’t repeat out loud, but they still affect our self-image. These are the beliefs that lie at our foundation, brought into being by the shame surrounding our most painful experiences.

At some point, though, we will encounter the opposite of what we’re used to. We will meet someone who wants to accept us, to cherish us, to love us, and to enjoy our company. When this happens, we will have no choice but to confront the toxic shame that shields us from accepting this love, and to heal it from the inside out. There is a long life ahead of us, filled with wonderful opportunities, but to advance, we must heal the hurt that lies beneath toxic shame.

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

Everyone has a baseline of the kind of treatment they think they deserve, and this is called our norm. It is our past experiences, both painful and positive, that determine our norms. When we get less than what we are used to, or when we are treated below our level of norm, our default emotion is anger. Imagine receiving your monthly paycheck, and it is significantly less than you are used to receiving each month. You will feel disbelief, you will want an explanation, and you will be outraged at the injustice of getting less than what you are used to.

When we get more than our norm, and when we have toxic shame, our response is guilt.

If someone else looked at their monthly paycheck and noticed significantly more money there than they are used to, they might also respond with disbelief. When they followed up about it and discovered that the amount was not a mistake, they would be delighted and grateful.

The person with toxic shame in this same scenario, however, would feel guilty and unworthy. They would reflect on their failures and human moments, and they would think of these moments as the reasons why they are disqualified from getting a pay raise.

Everyone evaluates their self-worth based on the way they were treated in their earliest memories, to the way they were treated through their childhood and teen years. The way others treated them dictates their value and sets the baseline norm of how they expect to be treated.

If they were neglected, abused, mistreated, or bullied, they will carry toxic shame as if they were to blame for those experiences. Their baseline norm for receiving love is low, and they feel guilty or ashamed each time they receive more love or when they are treated kinder than they are used to. This is what the phrase “We accept the love we think we deserve” truly means.

People who carry toxic shame purposely make it difficult for others to love them. In the Bible, we are told that Adam and Eve had a close friendship with their Creator, and the author even tells us that they were naked and had no shame. As soon as they do what they were told not to do, they become aware of their nakedness, they cover themselves, and they withdraw from God, hiding from Him as He comes to look for them. (Genesis 3)

Adam and Eve covering up, withdrawing, and hiding is a perfect picture of what toxic shame does to us. We put up emotional barriers and create distance from those looking to connect with us because we feel unworthy, exposed, or broken beyond repair.

Letting Go of Toxic Shame

Many of us spend our lives oblivious to our emotions and the thoughts behind them. Similar to the physical foundations of a building, we all have unseen thoughts and beliefs that form the foundation of our identity; it is the essence of how we feel about ourselves. A teacher might have scolded us in front of the class, telling us that we’re hopeless because we never listen to instructions. That simple sentence might go on to form the foundation of our identity, magnifying one of our struggles to the point that it becomes a defining feature.

Some of us were never told anything in our young lives, positive or negative. We were left alone for vast stretches of time, our achievements unnoticed, our needs unmet, and our painful emotions ignored. Neglected children grow up believing that they are unlovable and unworthy of praise, based on the affection that they never received.

This is toxic shame because it causes someone to feel guilty even when they were a victim. The same goes for children who were mistreated and abused. They carry toxic shame as if they caused bad things to happen to them.

It’s not simple, but it is possible to heal and release toxic shame. We are spiritual beings in a physical body, with minds and emotions. We must learn to reach and speak to every part of ourselves, leaving no broken area unaddressed. There are physical exercises that heal our nervous system, and there are affirmations to speak to our damaged mind and emotions. God has spoken loving truths to our spirits, and we must hear them and accept them to be healed within.

The further we go into dealing with our past and toxic shame, the more we will realize that some things are impossible to do alone. Many of us were hurt by others, and those same hurts can only be healed by others, as uncomfortable and scary as that idea might be.

One of the central parts of healing toxic shame lies in learning to become vulnerable with others, in the way God wanted Adam and Eve to be vulnerable with Him. Not everyone can be trusted, but we must find the ones who can. Healing will only come when we allow others to see our shame and love us anyway.

You might look at yourself in the mirror now and struggle to comprehend how anyone could love you. You have never needed to earn love, and you have never needed to make yourself lovable. Toxic shame has had you believing all kinds of things about yourself that have never been true.

It can be scary and deeply uncomfortable to confront your past and to let go of the beliefs you have been clinging to. It is only when you can let go of the handfuls of shame that you have been holding that you can have a free hand to receive and accept the love that you have always been deserving of and that the people around you have been desperate for you to receive.

Perhaps you don’t have someone that you can trust with details of your past. When you speak with a counselor, you are in a safe place, with someone who will keep your confidence. You can meet with as many counselors as it takes for you to feel safe and comfortable enough to open up to the right person. To get started, please consult our online catalog of counselors or speak with our reception team. We trust that you will find someone and begin the healing process soon.