When Anger and Grief Collide

During grief, many people find that their emotions become unstable, intense, and unpredictable. While this feels unpleasant and concerning, it is also completely natural. Amidst the sadness, bitterness, regret, and numbness of grief, though, one emotion frequently comes to the surface, and that emotion is anger.

In grief, it is not unusual to feel anger toward things, people, and situations, even if you were not prone to being an angry person before. Anger is not easy to deal with; however, understanding why you are feeling anger and how to channel it as you grieve can be helpful.

Grief Defined

Grief is defined as a response to the loss of something or someone of significance, such as a job, person, animal, or relationship.

A Rocky Road to Travel

Grief is a journey that does not end in five or seven easy stages. Grief often feels like a rocky road that you are traveling alone to an unknown and unseen destination. There is no way of knowing how far you have travelled, when you will arrive, or even the final destination of your journey.

Whether you have experienced grief before or not, it never becomes any easier to navigate because every instance of grief is unique. Anger is often the first emotion of an individual’s grief due to the individual feeling exhausted, exasperated, confused, and disillusioned as they grieve.

Some people are not accustomed to facing or interacting with their emotions. They might have grown up in families that made no space to express or explore emotions honestly. These people, in particular, will feel like fish out of water as they are faced for the first time with a plethora of raw, intense emotions in grief.

Life happens around grief, and despite it. This means that we all have to go through the motions of work, relationships, and the mundane routines of life while grieving. When you stop to consider it, it’s only logical that you feel angry, resentful, or prone to outbursts of anger in this context.

For people who handle emotions well and understand their inner processes, grief is still challenging. You might have a strong grasp of what you are feeling and what it relates to. However, in grief, you might be bombarded with unexpected combinations of emotions, or they might change so rapidly that you feel disoriented.

You may find yourself laughing at a funeral, sad while in the sunshine, or seething with anger over a memory that was supposed to be comforting. The bottom line is that your emotions are not regulated in grief, and it can be a complicated journey to finding stability again.

Anger and Grief

Although it might not feel like it, it is healthy to engage with and experience all of the emotions that come to the surface during grief. Emotions are powerful teaching tools, and perhaps few emotions teach us as much as anger does.

Anger can be destructive and damaging, but it can also be instructive and important. It may help to consider the contexts around your anger when you feel it. As much as most people struggle knowing what to do with anger, or how best to channel it, in grief, it pays to be more contemplative about anger.

There are many common instances where anger comes to the surface in grief, and while it might feel alarming or uncomfortable, it is often logical to feel angry. Rather than trying to shut it down or express it on anyone in the vicinity with no remorse, there is a better way. It’s best to acknowledge its presence, take a moment to sit down and breathe, and consider where it’s coming from. Here are some common scenarios that appear in grief that result in anger:

Irritability that is related to exhaustion There is always a lot of administrative work to do in grief, regardless of the nature of the grief you are experiencing. Whether it’s having to arrange a funeral or memorial service, having to find new accommodation after the end of a marriage, or worrying about practical things after the loss of income, there are a million and one things to organize, arrange, and prepare for.

These things come at you like an avalanche. The cruelest part is that it all happens while your emotions are raw. It’s understandable that you are snappier than usual, or if you lash out at those trying to help. You simply don’t have the emotional strength to keep it all contained.

While it is easier said than done, you need to have grace and patience for yourself if you are in this position. You are facing more challenges than you have ever faced before, and you might be spinning so many metaphorical plates that it’s a wonder none have crashed. Crashes will happen, though, and you must allow yourself to be messy, prickly, and even unpleasant for a while.

The ones who love you most will understand, and any damage caused at this time can be addressed when you are in a more emotionally stable frame of mind. For now, try to sleep well, eat well, and take things one day at a time.

Reacting to things that are triggering Sometimes grief has you feeling as if you are the survivor of a major accident. For weeks after the event, you feel as if you have emotional aches and pains all over the place, and you might feel as if you will never be the same.

There will be many things that will trigger you at this time. Some of these triggers will be so unexpected and even innocuous that you might begin to question your sanity. You might be constantly lashing out, but that’s what people do when they’re in pain.

Remember that anger is often justified and understandable. It is often protective, and people unknowingly use it as a shield. Lashing out can be a way of keeping hurtful things away and creating some space in which you can process and regulate your emotions.

Anger over crossed boundaries While grief is often a lonely journey, it also frequently causes us to deal with people that we would rather not deal with. As the saying goes, nothing brings family together like a funeral. You might feel like your world is being invaded by people who don’t respect you and who don’t observe or care about your boundaries. You might not even know you had particular boundaries until someone oversteps the line.

This is another example of anger being a logical and justified response. Anger is often a reaction to injustice, and sometimes the only way to firmly set a boundary is by getting a little heated and a lot honest. The truth might hurt, but there are several justified applications of anger in grief, and setting boundaries is one of them.

Frustration and disappointment with people The opposite of feeling angry that people are overstepping their boundaries is being disappointed when people don’t step up at all. It might be a sibling who doesn’t carry their weight, or a close friend being self-involved when you need to lean on them. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but few things are as stinging and anger-inducing as being let down in your time of need.

Yet again, this is a clear case of justified anger. You might not be strong at communicating your needs, and it might be more effective if you could, but this is no time for crash courses in communication. You need support and stability, and you can’t do everything. A crash out in this context is understandable.

The Changing Tides

There comes a point in grief when you suddenly realize you are going to be okay. It might be one random morning when you look out at the world and realize that you have been feeling more stable for a while now. Or it could be the first night you finally sleep well. Grief is a journey that takes you across a strange landscape, but eventually things will start to look and feel familiar again.

You might be ashamed of your angry outbursts, and you might have damaged some important relationships. There is still time to make things right. There will come a time to fix what was broken. Grief often feels lonely and overwhelming. If you would like to talk to someone about it, there are counselors waiting to listen. Contact us, and we will connect you with someone who will help.