Working Through Emotional Wounds in Families

No one’s childhood is perfect. Even those who remember their adolescence with fondness still experienced negative events. Whether growing up was tenuous or almost idyllic, we all move into our teenage years and beyond with emotional wounds from our families.

So much is determined when we are children. A lack of intimacy and connection at birth can affect a child’s behavior. A lack of physical touch, or the denial of needs, can alter who a child becomes.

We often forget that children are not born fully formed. Much of who we become, what we choose to pursue, and who we fall into relationships with is determined by our childhood years. Too many interact with children as if they were little adults. When it comes to family, careless words, betrayal, disparity in attention, or a pattern of emotional neglect can follow us into adulthood and beyond.

What are emotional wounds?

At its most basic, it is a negative experience that causes a psychological wound. We often think of emotional wounds as coming from patterns of behavior, and they can, but they can also come from a singular event if the trauma is bad enough.

Wounds do not only come from parents but anyone who is in a position of trust and care. It can be a grandparent, a babysitter, a friend, or even another sibling.

Emotional wounds can be harder to identify than physical ones. There are signs of neglect we can see, and indicators of abuse we can learn to identify. But emotional wounds are often buried deep in our subconscious; sometimes we don’t know why we are distrustful, stand-offish, or cannot seem to form meaningful friendships.

Some emotional wounds are generational. If we do not take the time to identify the wounds inflicted on us as children, we run the risk of passing on those wounds to our children.

Types of Wounds

There are several types of emotional wounds we can get from our families. Five tend to be the most prominent:

Rejection If a child is overlooked, if important moments are missed because of work, or even if a child is repeatedly ignored in favor of technology, it can lead to feelings of rejection. This can lead to feeling unwanted or undeserving of love.

Abandonment A higher form of rejection. Things happen that children do not understand. Parents get divorced, and both parents work, so a child spends a lot of time with various caregivers.

Maybe there is neglect; a child may grow up with only their most basic needs met. If a parent is lost to addiction or does not see the need to provide more than the minimum, a child can learn not to depend on others. They can develop a me-against-the-world mentality and think it’s on them alone to survive.

Shame and Embarrassment A child who suffered an incident of deep humiliation, whether that was a situation at school or a moment of mocking by a family member, can have a deep fear of failure. This can lead children to stop trying (for fear of messing up again) or have a deep drive to be perfect at all costs. If children grow up around constant criticism, it can lead to seeking validation in all things or building a shell too thick for anyone to get through.

Betrayal We all know the sting of broken promises. We all know the pain it causes when someone we love says they will do something and then backs out. The feeling of disappointment and betrayal can cut deeply, and for children, it is magnified.

Key adults in childhood teach us about trust and follow-through. Whether it’s sharing something your child told you in confidence, missing events that matter, or not trusting them when they need you to, these small nicks can lead to a distrust of others or a need to control so they know they will never be betrayed.

Worthlessness Children who grow up with rigid parents who cannot abide mistakes and who do not allow children to grow, ask questions, explore, and learn often end up being intolerant of others and overly rigid themselves. When children are not given the chance to mess up, to question, to explore, and to grow into their worlds, they will find it hard to give others that chance. Children who seemingly cannot do anything right will start to feel useless and no good.

How to Identify/Correct Emotional Wounds

No parent is perfect; we all fail and have bad days. But one of the best things we can do is learn to see when we’ve hurt our children and be willing to humble ourselves to take the necessary steps to repair relationships and rebuild trust. Going to a counselor can be a safe way to help you and your child process what happened. Let’s take the same categories and consider how they can be addressed and repaired.

Rejection Ask yourself, “Am I giving my child the time and attention they need? Am I spending uninterrupted time with them (that includes your phone)? Do I know what is important to them?” Make time to give your child your undivided attention.

Maybe the cell phone gets put away every night at seven. Schedule a play date at the park and be present. Give your kids time to talk to you. Consistency is key. Your children do not need hours with you; even fifteen minutes a night before they go to bed can go a long way toward healing the relationship.

Abandonment If you are cognizant of life situations that might trigger a sense of loneliness in your child, find a way to address it. If your family is facing a divorce, it might help to get a counselor involved. Parenting is hard, and if your family is facing a season of survival or upheaval, children need to know it will be okay.

If you are an adult who faced a situation of abandonment, or if a parent was unable to be there as they should (intentionally or just because of life circumstances), take time to acknowledge that loss. A counselor can help you process what happened to you and help you find healthy ways to heal and learn to trust others. We are not meant to be islands, and unlearning a habit of “it’s all on me” takes time.

Shame and Embarrassment It is important to remember that children do not have thick skins. They do not understand sarcasm, and flippant comments can cut deep. It’s also vital to remember that children are not perfect and need time to grow into who they are.

If you suspect an off-handed comment might have been wrong, then you need to apologize. Sit down with your child and, without justifying your behavior, tell them you are sorry. Words have power, and as a parent (or aunt, brother, caregiver, etc.), we need to be aware of what we are saying to children.

Shame and embarrassment can also sprout under constant nitpicking and criticism. Children who are often told that what they do is not enough, or who are compared to other children, can develop a need to please others or stop trying. Watch how you talk about your children to each other. Are you uplifting your kids in the small things they do well, or are you focused only on their failures?

If you find yourself constantly nitpicking your children or criticizing them, take a moment and ask yourself why. If your parents constantly criticized you or you felt belittled or bullied, it might be time to deal with your own emotional wounds. Children long to be seen and uplifted for who they are. Does getting all “As” really matter? If so, why? Are you trying to impose your ideals on your children (vs. letting them grow into who they are?)

Betrayal Children are abundant in their love and belief in the adults around them. This means that the loss of trust is magnified in them. You might believe your child will understand that you missed their concert or game because of work, but your child might not see it that way. It is important to be upfront with your kids if you know you cannot do something and to give them time to talk if you must miss something important.

Children might not fully understand what a job requires or why you must do something at a particular time, but expectation management is key when it comes to minimizing the hurt and resentment that can build up around broken promises.

Ask yourself, “Do I keep my word?” This applies not only to your children but to others in your life. Do you acknowledge when you take on too much or when your schedule will not accommodate a new request? Or are you always behind the eight ball because you cannot say no? Establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and your time can do wonders for your children.

If you are worried about the consequences of what will happen if you don’t go to a meeting so you can attend your daughter’s dance recital, ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen?” Is that a realistic consequence? Is it possible to move the meeting? Do not let the urgent overwhelm the important. Chances are that a week from now, no one is going to remember if the meeting got moved, but your child will remember a pattern of you not being there.

Worthlessness This is a hard one to see and will likely require a good counselor to help unearth and overcome. Often, behind the judgment and anger that causes a person to be rigid and unyielding toward others is an emotional wound that must be healed.

Do you catch yourself yelling at your child for small mistakes? Are you constantly wound up and set off by the smallest things? Are you distant or aloof from your child? Do you have a hard time with other ideas or points of view? If you answered yes to any of these, it is time to find a counselor.

Children need time and space to explore and figure out the world. They need space to make mistakes. Children are not little adults. Their brains and bodies are still developing; they do not know right from wrong, and consequences are not always evident to them.

If you were raised by parents who were cold and unyielding, try to remember how it made you feel and what you wished someone had done for you. No one likes to be made to feel worthless and stupid. Your counselor can help you break the cycle.

Christian Family Counseling

It is important to remember that emotional wounds do not have to define us, and they can be healed. Generational trauma does not have to continue. We don’t mean to hurt our children. It takes humility and honesty to be present for our kids. The counselors at our office are here to help. Whether you need to process your own emotional wounds or your child needs someone to talk to, please call us today.