Bridging the Gap with Independent Teens

As our children become independent teens, it’s not uncommon for them to become distant from us, if only for a short time. As parents, we tend to feel this broadening gap quite deeply, and we might feel as if the relationship has become strained.

While there may be things we need to address in our relationships with our teens, it’s more likely that they are naturally becoming more independent teens and simply trying to find their feet as individuals. It can feel alarming when we sense a shift in a once-close relationship, but how we respond to our independent teens is important to their journey into adulthood.

Why Teens Seek Distance

Many parents filter their understanding of teen behavior through their experiences, insecurities, and emotional wounds. For example, we might have been told as a teen not to sulk. There may have been restrictions in our house around having locked doors or keeping secrets. Kids and teens who grow up in this kind of environment will never have privacy or independence and will suffer from having their emotions controlled and regulated by their parents.

If we grow up with these kinds of restrictions, we will view our independent teens through a negative lens. We may be tempted to try and control or punish their behavior. This will drive an unhealthy distance between us and our teens.

Sometimes teens seek space from their family because they are struggling with social issues, or because they are carrying resentment from something that happened in their childhood. Only some teens will be forthcoming with information. Because their emotional maturity is still developing, they may need to learn how to handle or express their emotions.

Most of the time, our teens are establishing personal boundaries and seeking independence as a natural path to adulthood. In these cases, the distance they put up is not personal. We need to find the balance as parents to bridge the gap in the relationship while respecting their need for independence.

Bridging the Gap

Not all distance in relationships is bad, and for many teens it is healthy. As parents, we need to accept that our baby is growing up and adjust to the changes without making things about us. Here are some pointers on how to do that:

Practice non-judgment

It’s only natural for people to become defensive, aggressive, or distant if they feel judged. Teens are no different. Part of gaining independence is about trying new things, eliciting reactions, and establishing personal values. We are more experimental in our teen years than at any other point in our lives. Some teens might throw all caution to the wind in their quest for identity and independence.

This means that our teens will make risky choices, become involved in activities that we don’t approve of, and spend time with people we would rather they didn’t. Not all of this is a bad thing. We will quickly learn that our teens pull away when they feel judged or condemned. This is the biggest area of adjustment for most parents.

If our teen has become involved in substance abuse, or risky sexual practices, we will need to confront those behaviors head-on and address things for the sake of their health. Even then, we must show concern rather than judgment. If their behavior is less serious, we must show curiosity and interest in their point of view.

For example, rather than condemning an outlandish new look when they debut it, we could ask them what their inspiration was, who they are trying to emulate, or simply find something to compliment their look. Nothing bridges a gap more effectively than being non-judgmental. That is especially true for parents and teens.

Show positivity about their social time

It’s only natural for us to be concerned about what our teens are doing in their time with friends and extracurricular activities. As they spend more time away from home, we might also simply miss spending time with them. Many teens relish having their driver’s license and being able to spend time away from home, not for any deeper reason than it’s fun to be independent.

As much as all teens still need curfews and ground rules, independent teens also need us to be positive, gently curious, and encouraging in their social lives. A simple, “I’m so glad you had fun tonight,” could go a long way to communicating that you are not trying to control them. Teens gravitate toward the people who trust them and respect their independence.

Give them space to make decisions and problem-solve

A vital part of adulthood is being able to problem-solve for ourselves. While we all need help from time to time, we all have to work through issues on our own occasionally. As parents, we often love feeling needed by our teen kids because it reinforces our worth and closes that gap for a moment.

However, independence is not simply about enjoying time with your friends as often as possible. Adulthood is often about responsibilities and dealing with frustrating situations. Our teens might overly rely on us for everything, from doing their laundry to sorting out issues in school.

It might be more helpful for our teens if we have discussions with them about their problems and allow them to find solutions for themselves before we offer help. They will still feel supported by the fact that we are talking through the issue with them, but they will grow when they have the space to figure things out for themselves.

Have a regular check-in with them

The trickiest part of parenting is trying to find a balance. We want to be non-judgmental on issues but still need to bring discipline and correction. We want to set boundaries and rules, but we still need to be patient and forgive our kid’s mistakes, because they are still growing and learning. As far as independent teens go, we must try to find the balance of giving them space while still being intentional in fostering that closeness with them.

A helpful tip here is to have a regular check-in with them. This can simply be a catch-up conversation with them whenever you can manage one, or you could go out and do something fun together, checking in with them as you go about the activity.

Try to keep the catch-up time regular each week, or month, but also try to keep it flexible, in case it starts feeling like a chore for your teen. Having this as a regular activity will show them that you care to keep up with them as an individual and value spending time with them, while not being demanding.

Being a Bridge Builder

The ultimate goal of parenthood is to nurture your child through the stages of their life, adjusting your methods as they grow. You hope that when it is time, they are ready to fly the nest and face life as a balanced individual. None of this happens easily, and you will fail often. Everyone does. You might miss your teen as they seek distance and independence. You will likely always worry about them and feel frustrated when you can’t express that.

If you do your best to respect their boundaries, practice non-judgment, give them space to problem-solve, and check in with them regularly, you will have given them a healthy, loving platform from which to develop their independence.

Parenting isn’t easy. We might realize that we are still in need of nurturing or healing from our own childhood experiences. Sometimes we just need that extra bit of support. If you would like to meet with a counselor to help with any of the trials of being a parent, call our offices today. We can match you with a counselor who has experience in helping parents and teens.