The Connection Between Emotional Neglect and Trauma

When a caregiver fails to show up for us or make us feel seen and cared for in childhood, we experience emotional neglect. Some parents and caregivers are distracted or ill-equipped to be parents. Sometimes they perpetuate the neglect they experienced in childhood. They might not mean to harm us emotionally, but neglect always communicates that we are not a priority; we are not seen, valued, or appreciated, and the world is an unsafe place.

This feeling of being unsafe and unvalued is at the core of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), and it is almost always linked to the emotional neglect we experience in childhood.

Examples of Neglect

Emotional neglect is seldom intentional, and can, therefore, can be difficult to identify. Some people have decent relationships with their parents and wouldn’t describe them as having been neglectful. Most parents don’t mean to be neglectful, but through circumstances like poverty or being the sole provider, they are forced to prioritize work over their children.

They might feel as though they are providing everything their child needs with their physical labor, all the while not understanding how crucial it is that they spend quality time with their children to prove that they are more important than work.

Obvious instances of neglect include parents who consistently work late into the evening, forget to collect their children from school, lose track of their children in public places, and fail to show up for meaningful events. However, neglect can also look like never checking in with your child to see how they are doing, what they are experiencing, and how they are coping at school or with their friends.

Some children never get the chance to express their preferences, whether it is the clothes they wear, the media they enjoy, or the things they like to do in their free time. It’s not hard to see how these kids will learn that they don’t matter, and their preferences don’t count for anything.

As children grow into teens, many tend to become more aloof as they try to establish their independence, values, identity, and individuality apart from their family. Parents might make the mistake of being too hands-off with them at this point, believing that their teens would prefer the distance. This is often a grave mistake because silence and distance can communicate disinterest and indifference.

Though teens might not be able to communicate their needs, every person, regardless of their age, wants to be seen, valued, and celebrated. It is even more important to check in with teens because they are likely to have new experiences more frequently and need to have their emerging identity seen and appreciated.

Emotional Neglect and Trauma

People who grow up with weak or non-existent emotional connections to anyone receive one of the most painful wounds a person can get. Unlike abuse, emotional neglect is not about what happened, but more about what didn’t happen. It is about a void in someone’s heart that was never filled, accomplishments that were never celebrated, doubts that were never alleviated, and questions that were never answered.

It is the feeling of being invisible and irrelevant. It is a message that is repeated in every silence, distance, cold body language, and dismissive word. Emotional neglect is usually an ongoing experience for people from as far back as they can remember.

This results in people who grow up believing that they have nothing to offer. They frequently put their needs last, never stand up for themselves, try desperately to make others like them, and are afraid of intimacy.

Some might get into relationships but struggle to commit, believing that their partner will inevitably leave them at some point. A voice in their head constantly reminds them that they are not enough and their needs don’t matter, echoing their past experiences. For some, this rings loud and clear into old age.

All of this is CPTSD that stems from the emotional neglect they experienced in childhood or their teenage years. It is a wound that affects us until we begin to notice it. Often, we have to confront our beliefs about ourselves before we attempt to heal the wound caused by neglect. We have to start believing that life can be better for us and that it is worthwhile for someone to spend time helping us to heal from our past.

Filling the Holes, Healing the Hurt

A neglected child becomes a neglected teen, who then becomes an adult who finds it difficult to receive love and affection. The young boy who gathered pretty stones for his mother, who didn’t receive his gift, much less look at them before throwing them away, will one day be the man who never offers another gift to anyone.

Even when he meets a woman one day who finds him interesting and attractive and yearns to know him better, will not get the chance. He will not dare to believe that he is worth her time. His experience with women up until this point is that they don’t care about him, and that has been imprinted on his heart.

We accept the love we think we deserve. This means that there is a limit on how much love, care, and affection we can receive and hold. We are like vessels that hold rainwater, expanding or contracting depending on how much rain falls into our vessel. Neglected people have experienced drought conditions, and now their cup is shrunken and full of holes. If they are to hold any love in them, they must begin to patch the holes, fill the gaps, and learn to receive good things.

We mend our shrunken hearts by changing the way we think. This is the essence of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The work begins when we find out exactly what we think and believe.

What do we think about love and intimacy? What do we believe about people and their motives? What does our ideal life look like? What would it take for us to begin living that life? Our answers to these questions will reveal what we think and believe about ourselves and the world around us.

Anyone who has experienced emotional neglect will likely have issues with trusting others, receiving love, and believing in themselves. This is where the work has to be done. We must find each hole in our vessel and determine how to mend it. We must change the way we think so that we can begin receiving love, affection, and good things.

The Long Walk to Freedom

Emotional healing does not come quickly or easily. It is a long journey without an easy path. For some of us, the first challenge we will face will be trusting someone else enough to allow them to help us heal our trauma. Healing from CPTSD is not something we can do alone.

People who experienced emotional neglect when they were younger will often struggle with their emotions later in life. They might feel entirely disconnected from their emotions, not knowing what to feel or how to express themselves. Likewise, they might feel continually overwhelmed by all the emotions they feel over nearly everything.

Everything we feel is valid and important because emotions show us what is happening inside. Though we might never have had anyone care about our feelings, we must start showing up for ourselves, paying careful attention to what we feel or fail to feel.

Healing might involve learning to trust others, learning to care for ourselves, or even reconnecting with our bodies and becoming physically healthy. Where there has been great pain, there is an opportunity for great healing. You are worthy of all the love you will someday receive.

If you feel ready to involve someone in your healing journey, get started by reaching out to our offices. Once we have an idea of your needs, we can match you with a counselor who can help you. Feel free to contact us by phone or email.