5 Ways to Help a Friend After a Traumatic Experience

Have you ever watched a friend go through a traumatic experience and not been sure what to do? Whether your friend’s house burned down, they encountered the devastating loss of a child, they suffered a car crash, or they were a victim of crime, it can be challenging to know how to step in and help.

5 Ways to Show Compassion After a Traumatic Experience

Here are five ways to show compassion and thoughtfulness toward a hurting friend.

First, be a mirror of their experience. When you go through a traumatic experience, it is easy to negate what you encountered or to forget important details that may help later as your friend is sorting medical care, speaking to members of the police, or simply gathering insurance information.

If you can be a supportive friend who simply shows up, that’s a huge benefit. Much like accompanying someone to the doctor when they have a chronic illness, supporting their care by taking notes from the provider and ensuring they understand the medicine dosage, showing up is an active role that many friends are too nervous to take on.

However, your presence in the aftermath of a traumatic experience speaks more than your words will. You may not know the right thing to say, but simply waiting on the sidelines nearby speaks volumes. It communicates that you are available, so much so that you came even without instructions or being asked. Everyone needs a friend like that.

Second, ask a simple question. Maybe you can’t take away their pain or step into a role they have now lost, but you can ask them what they need. They may not be aware of their needs, but knowing you’re there to offer support is encouraging.

You might say, “I’m going to grab lunch. Tacos or burgers?” Narrow your question to something straightforward where your friend doesn’t have to sort through several options.

Another option is, “I’m going to get all your things ready so that you can get out of bed, get a shower, and put on some clothes.” You can arrange an outfit, set out a towel, and throw in some bath soap or a shower steamer.

Asking something such as “lavender or honeysuckle?” will help your friend recognize your care and choose something soothing for herself at a time when her own care may get lost in the traumatic experience.

Third, watch for signs over time that your friend needs more than the support you can provide. While the natural responses to trauma include replaying how something happened, feeling anxious or unsure about the future, or being overwhelmed by sadness, these responses tend to dissipate over time as a person accepts the pain of their trauma and discovers healthy ways to cope.

Some healthy coping mechanisms may include exercising, deep breathing, spending time on a hobby that brings joy, journaling, sharing memories related to a loss, joining a support group, or connecting with nature. After some tragedies, seeking professional help, such as a financial advisor, insurance agent, or lawyer, is necessary.

These are steps in the right direction. But as you watch your friend and support him through his ordeal, notice if he doesn’t seem to be getting adequate sleep, struggles to return to daily tasks of self-care, or is suffering from prolonged anxiety and depression. These may be signals that your friend needs counseling from a mental health provider.

Fourth, remind your friend that their emotions are allowed and accepted. Sometimes, well-meaning friends or family have a set time period around which they expect the person who is dealing with a traumatic experience to recover. Whether it’s three months or six weeks, this unspoken time limit can make a person feel that their feelings have no validity once the expected time has been surpassed.

Tell your friend that tears, anger, and worry are natural responses to a traumatic experience. Giving them permission to recover in their own time is essential. Of course, if your friend is struggling to retain any regular routines or rhythms, a supportive counselor can help.

But if your friend isn’t ready and does not seem to be a danger to himself or others, simply let them know you are there to listen. Even if it’s the 30th time they’ve talked about their memory or shared how angry and disappointed they are, listen – and try to listen without judgment.

Knowing you are there to be a sounding board can be what your friend needs to process their emotions in a healthy way. The grieving process isn’t linear, so neither is recovery from it.

Finally, encourage your friend to be patient with themselves. While it’s true that sometimes friends and family pressure a person to recover from traumatic experiences too quickly, it can also be self-induced pressure. The person who went through the experience may feel they should “have it together” by now or that their fears are unfounded, and they need to move on.

Letting your friend know that being patient with themselves is important does two things: first, it communicates the validity and seriousness of their traumatic experience, and second, it reminds your friend that they are only human, and gentle healing can’t be rushed.

What does a traumatic experience look like?

If you’ve read this far and you’re wondering if your friend’s experience is traumatic, here are some clues to look for. Instead of looking at the experience, look at how your friend responds. Not every experience hits someone the same way. So, for you, for example, your trauma response may be low in the aftermath of an experience that, for your friend, is highly traumatic.

The first key is to notice your friend’s response. If your friend feels emotions such as shame, fear, rejection, powerlessness, or that they are unsupported and alone, these are common trauma responses.

Some events that can be related to these responses include witnessing someone else’s harm or pain; going through abuse of some kind (emotional, mental or physical); being in a situation that went against their morals or understanding of what is right; having gone through a natural disaster or crime where they felt threatened or humiliated; or hearing about someone else’s traumatic experience (such as generational trauma).

We tend to think of “Big T” trauma as a one-time or series of events over time that anyone would categorize as traumatizing, such as physical abuse, neglect, or devastating loss like a house fire. But it’s important to recognize that “Little T” trauma can have the same impact on a person’s experience.

If your friend had a rough upbringing and never knew the supportive care of a parent, they’re much more susceptible to traumatic experiences that could be overlooked by an outsider. Or if your friend tends to jump in and out of unhealthy relationships, there may be underlying trauma.

How can you support without harming?

This question is a great one to ask; it’s easy when you see someone who has suffered a traumatic experience or a series of traumatic experiences to want to rush in and rescue them.

However, this can also bring up unhealthy responses that stem from places in your childhood that were not healthy or healing, and you’re still in the process of walking through. That’s one reason that anyone in substance abuse recovery is encouraged not to begin a relationship with someone else in recovery until they’ve both been walking that path for a long time.

One way you can always show your support is by turning to messages of support and love. While your friend may or may not be ready to receive professional counseling or even share much about her experience, you can convey her worthiness in small ways through your friendship.

Inviting her out to a meal regularly, making her feel included in the weekly book club, sending her an encouraging card with Scripture, or dropping off a take-out meal occasionally are all ways to be a supportive friend without being too pushy.

You can be a gentle encourager in your friend’s life, reminding her that you see and value her. Often, the message of unconditional love and support helps a person recognize the trauma they’ve experienced.

Trauma Therapy from a Christian Perspective

If you feel your friend could use a trained mental health professional to guide them through the grieving and healing process, reach out to one of our offices. Some counselors specialize in helping a person heal from their traumatic experience, offering targeted therapies to guide them to a place of restoration and healing.