How to Forgive Someone Who Will Never Say “I’m Sorry”

“Tell your sister you’re sorry!” Mom yelled from the other room.

Mom wasn’t thinking about the lifetime of conditioned behavior she was creating with her nonchalant order. She hadn’t taken the time to investigate the offense, question the offended, or determine who was really to blame. Her only thought was to stop the fight between her children.

From early childhood, we are told to “say you’re sorry” when doing something to wrong another person, even if that “something” is bumping into them in a crowded produce section.]

This in turn means that as a society, we have also been conditioned to believe that every time someone wrongs us, we should expect an apology. In an ideal world, this would be true (or what would be truly ideal is that we would never wrong each other in the first place). But we don’t live in an ideal world.

And there’s good reason for our knee-jerk reaction to say we’re sorry and expect the same in return. Apologies are a source of healing when they come sincerely or without any manipulation or prodding. They acknowledge that a wrong has been done, assign blame, and give the impression of humility.

As Christians, we look at the Bible as our spiritual GPS and it has a lot to say about the topic of apologies. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed…” Even though we are living in a broken world, God has given us the tool, a sincere apology, to help us live harmoniously with our fellow man. It’s like having reconciliation at our fingertips.

But sometimes those apologies and that reconciliation just never come. If you’ve ever felt wronged and that you’re owed an apology that hasn’t been given, read on for some practical thoughts on how you can move from feeling like a victim into blissful and empowering forgiveness even if you aren’t offered an apology from those who hurt you.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

You might think of forgiveness as a response to an apology, but the act of forgiveness is actually an independent act and a conscious decision. Forgiveness and apologies aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but they can be.

While sincere signs of remorse and a desire for reconciliation can inspire forgiveness, they aren’t always the driving force behind it. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily tied to an apology because it’s a choice that you make on your own, regardless of whether the person who wronged you shows remorse or attempts to reconcile.

Forgiveness isn’t just about helping the other person feel better or fixing the relationship, although that can be a wonderful byproduct. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself. It’s about freeing yourself from the pain, humiliation, and loneliness of unforgiveness and the emotional ties to that betrayal or offense.

It’s about living in peace even if the one who did you wrong never asks for forgiveness or seeks reconciliation. It’s the realization that their internal peace is dependent on their relationship with God and how they treat others, but it doesn’t have anything to do with your inner peace.

That wonderful peace that surpasses all understanding is only given by God, not their words or efforts. And the good news is that more healing and growth comes from letting go than from waiting for an apology.

Holding onto unforgiveness and replaying the betrayal or offense repeatedly in your mind is not affecting the person who wronged you. It is only affecting you. The effect of holding onto unforgiveness is widespread and damning. It includes emotional distress and interference in other relationships and can even cause spiritual damage as your heart begins to harden with pain.

Reasons You May Never Hear “I’m Sorry”

As much as you desire it (and maybe even deserve it), you may never hear those healing words of an apology from those you feel owe it to you. This is the hardest truth to accept for those who have been deeply wounded.

Many obstacles may prevent the person who wronged you from initiating or participating in deliberate reconciliation. It could be that the person who wronged you is too prideful and they don’t want to admit their mistakes. Perhaps they are unaware of the pain they’ve caused, or they simply don’t care.

Sometimes death comes before they realize the need to apologize and sometimes people fear looking vulnerable or that saying they’re sorry may make them look weak. And finally, the person who caused you pain may have simply moved on, unaware of the lingering damage they have caused.

It’s a tough emotional challenge to be left waiting for an acknowledgment, an “I’m sorry” that never comes. But this lack of an apology doesn’t mean you are unworthy of one. It only means that the person who betrayed your trust is not ready or perhaps able to give it to you.

Why forgive when they show no remorse?

I heard a story once about a woman who had been deeply hurt by a close friend who never apologized or even acknowledged her wrongdoing. For years, the woman replayed the betrayal in her mind. Her heart filled with anger and unresolved pain. Two decades of unforgiveness passed with no contact and no resolution. One evening she found herself nervously preparing to attend a social event where she knew her former friend would be present.

With a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and a huge weight of anxiety, the woman stepped into the brightly lit room. Her eyes nervously scanned the crowd. In the corner stood her old friend chatting and laughing with a group of people as if she had no care in the world.

Their eyes connected and the woman was shocked when her former friend’s face lit up with recognition. Before she could react, her friend hurried over, wrapped her in a warm hug, and greeted her with enthusiasm.

The conversation began with pleasantries, the kind shared by people who hadn’t spoken in years but who had once been close. Like a cousin. Then, to the woman’s surprise, her friend casually remarked, “I honestly don’t even remember why we lost touch. I’ve missed you and hope we can have coffee soon.”

The woman stood speechless. She had been carrying the weight of the fractured friendship for twenty years. In contrast, her friend had moved on long ago. It was a moment of clarity for her, and I hope it is for you too.

Letting Go

God, the sovereign Creator, forgives us. His forgiveness is unconditional and inexhaustible and covers our habitual and immeasurable sins. He offers it to us no matter how many times we fall short and is a reflection of His very nature. His immense love, mercy, and grace cover our shortcomings in excess.

When we ask God to forgive us of our sins, it’s not because He needs our apology or because He needs us to seek His forgiveness. God, in His infinite grace and mercy, is already willing to forgive us. He sent His Son to die for those sins. But the act of asking for forgiveness is for our benefit. Not His.

It’s our way to salvation. It’s our way to acknowledge our wrongdoings, humble ourselves, open our hearts to His healing power and restoration, and circumvent the natural consequence of our sins, which is eternal damnation. Through our confession of sin, we are reminded that God’s love is unconditional and His mercy, immeasurable. Our hearts are opened for His transformative work in our lives which allows us to live in peace in spite of our wrongdoings.

In the same way, when someone wrongs us, they may have natural consequences for their own sins that could be avoided or softened by a sincere apology. However, their apology is not necessary for us to find peace. Our forgiveness of them allows us to heal and move forward, freeing us from the weight of their wrongdoing.

When we also choose to forgive others, just as God has forgiven us, we mirror the grace we have been shown. He forgives us freely and without holding our mistakes against us.

Consider this your invitation to let go of the past and find peace. If you are struggling with unforgiveness, I would encourage you to talk with a Christian therapist who can offer sound biblically-based methods to forgive others, just as He, the King of Kings, has forgiven you.

Your therapist can lead you into the healing arms of Jesus who can wipe away the pain, even if those who caused the pain don’t acknowledge it. In the end, it’s up to you to lean on the Lord to help you forgive others, without waiting for closure that might never come. To meet with a therapist to find this closure and healing, contact our office today.